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As I count down to the month of August.
To a start so different,
an atmosphere of love,
and new beginnings,
Unknowingly as to how quickly I would finally say
"BYE" to the stranger.

A new chapter,
A new beginning,
Finally finding someone to share my love with,
Knowing their own love in return.

He was nothing I had imagined.
Nothing I had ever dreamt of.
Probably too kind and gentle.
Never have I ever seen him angry.

So shy,
A day dreamer,
With a big future.

His touch felt so magical,
His hug,
Like nothing I have ever felt before.

But then what happens when the honeymoon stage faze,
Do you just walk away,
Or stay?
Do you withstand every case and circumstance.
Do you try to be strong for him,
Just so he can be strong enough to stand.

3 months of enjoying each other's company,
leading to 8 months of praying to God to save his life.
Mann! I've heard of cancer,
But little did I know that one day it would get so close to me.

Like a spiteful jealous crush trying to tare us apart,
like that angry baby mama who won't accept the past.
I sit on the side of his bed hiding my tears.
I close my eyes to pray,
But at times the pain in my heart becomes overwhelming.

I speak with a smile on my face,
While I try to hide the tears in my eye.
If this was never love,
I don't know what else is.
Who could have known for sure that it would come to this.
From longing for love I knew I wouldn't get,
To denying myself the chance to be loved by another.

Then in the silence of the night,
Between the lines of speech and poetry.
Between the lines of speech and sound.
This time I saw him differently.

Passionate being,
But broken here and there,
His mind so broad,
But his heart not trusting.

Could he give in his whole?
Or maybe am just like the rest of his past?

My mind heart falling deeper,
But my mind reminding me of a lover I never had.
"What if he finally changes his mind?
What if he opens up?"

Surely I feared that,
But now I understand when people say
"God's timing is the best"
A lesson learnt so well,
That patience often pays.

I sit still thinking about him,
While I still wonder what on earth ever dared to happen.
How on earth did we come to this,
How did we seem to be just a match made in heaven,
And how well have I forgotten about my fairy night.

All I think about you,
By my side and your breath brushing through me face,
Your warm magical hug that makes my stomach boil.
All that beauty so precious.
And a passion to love so vehement
I still want to write positive about you.
But all my memories of you are dead,
It's like I should simply stop writing.
But, no matter how I try and stop.
I still seem to go on and on.
It is this love so strong.
O! this sad love story,
That still guides
My innocence.
Its time I say
I still
Mduduzi Dlamini
You wouldn't be so mean if you know how much I've hurt.
You wouldn't be so mean if you knew I already feel pain.
You wouldn't be so mean if you took a minute to understand.

You wouldn't be so arrogant if you knew how much I care about you.
Respect you,
And always wish good for you.

You wouldn't be so arrogant if you knew how many tears I've shed for you.
If you knew how much pain I feel,
And how many times I pray for you.

You wouldn't be so selfish,
But you love all the attention.
You love seeing me begging,
And melting in your presence.

See the problems is I have pride too.
Noe that my arrogance has been ignited
And my selfishness been put to the test.
Couldn't go on, there is just so much rage involved
"So do you still write?"
A close friend asked.
"Not so much, I haven't had anything to write"

She secretly wrote in black and white.
Typed, and edited her work.
But it was so unbearable to share,
She held all her present miseries she wanted left unsaid.

Even till this day they still stay in her secret place.
For those feeling and moments are hers alone  to keep,
And so many of them for her to burn.

She has been so broken,
That little girl inside of me.
She couldn't leap for joy no more,
Her worst burden was faking a smile.

The pages to her books, socked with tears.
And her passwords, changed every week.
She has been hiding this part of her from the rest of the world.
Avoiding her reflection,
But she couldn't do it for long.

Accidentally looking at that splintered ******* the mirror she had been avoiding all along,
she begun to speak;
"Okay, this has been going on for too long,
You are not broken,
You are not weak, you can go beyond the odds.
You are deserving,
How do you expect to keep helping others if you can't help yourself?
Wipe away your tears,
And put a smile on your face,
For you are surely the best,
The most amazing,
And the world needs you,
Be strong for them, and for yourself too.
You don't need a man to make you happy,
Neither to complete you.
You don't need comfort from nobody,
God is your comforter,
God is your love,
You are beautiful and wonderfully made.
God did not make you for this dismay.
He called you the light of the world,
It is time to arise, before your light goes up,
Stir up that gift before it is too late,
You are more than a conquerer,
So why do you cry?..."

She went on and on.
Though it at first felt so awkward,
She begun to feeling change;

The burdens on her shoulders melting.
The walls over her heart breaking.
She begun to see those tears drying,
Her voice a little more clear.
She begun to see that spark in her eyes.
She was breathing again.

And finally,
She saw her beautiful smile again.
And She knew that, that little powerless girl in her,
Had finally transformed to a woman.
And today she is writing again
Sunday I said "Am done"
Yesterday I was obscure
Today I screamed "To hell with!"
But here I am again stumbling in my thoughts.
The loud scream in my head (your name).
When will all of this finally be over?when in the first place there was never a beginning.
I kept my love,
And you were open with your future.
At least in it there is space you left for love,
But to whom will that love be shared with?
That's the thing that crushes me the most.
Sunday I chose to let go,
But yesterday I found myself tortured.
Today I said I don't need you to be happy.
But here I am wondering,
'Is God really going to let it slip away just like that?'
I guess I will have to play along to God's plan until I know its settled.
At least for once don't speak to me in parables
A man that has no music in him is fit for violent deeds,
And such a man is deserving of death.
A man that sings whole heartily utters beautiful clarinets,
That can mend a broken spirit.
And such a man is fit to be cherished.

A voice like yours;
Low on pitch
And high on meaning,
Can never fall on deaf ears,
For it is spirit filled like the band of Cherubim.

In all honesty;
It leaves my conscience hanging about the neck of my heart,
And foolishly away from all worldly matters.
It weighs away the embrace of heaviness I carry,
And leaves me in comforting rest,
with extraordinary emotion;
You put little effort in showing unthrifty love and care.
And your good and caring spirit has never gone unnoticed.
Dates back to 05/01/17
Inspired by The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare.
Dedicated to once a good friend of mine M. Dlamini
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