The moment I stopped writing
I knew that my life is about to change.
The words inside me that are flowing,
Has started to dry out,
Made me feel alone, left out.
Two years since I left this site,
My mind has gone haywire.
The words I used to meet,
Now seems like it doesn’t exist.
Writing has been therapeutic for me,
It just sad that it’s too late now for me,
To recover from this depression and anxiety,
Despite of hundred talks from the therapy.
You’ll seat in your chair feeling all their eerie disappointments, high expectations and endless rants.
You’ll see them laughing and having fun at your wide window.
You’ll hear them talking about you, other people, the office.
You’ll begin to feel small, dizzy and worthless.
You’ll beg the wall not to squeeze you hard because you cannot breathe anymore.
You’ll beg your laptop not to scream memories and endless list of failures that he witnessed.
You’ll beg your mind to stop reminding you of your faults, of your wrong decisions.
But a knock on the door will save you. A small talk from the people who laughs at you will make you calm.
You’ll act nothing is happening.
You’ll act as if you do not care
Then you’ll repeat this until you cannot breathe... at last
It’s hard to manage an office at a young age :(
Im so lost that I barely know myself.
My work ate my existence and their words made me lost my motivation to live.
If ever I could no longer keep this emptiness, please know that I did my very best to fight it but Im sorry I failed.
Believe me that I love my life and Im enjoying it but it feels like Im too overwhelmed and exhausted now.
Humans are so cruel that all you need is to cry yourself everyday
forgive me if I told you not today.
When the rope inside my cabinet suddenly fall
and my brain cells start screaming to try it on.
When I saw a car driving at 120kph
and my feet itches to stop it.
When I saw my brother's sleeping pills
and my throat yells to swallow it all.
Or when my eyebrow shaver waves at me
and my wrists want to be written at.
Forgive me if I told you not today.
When I saw my niece smiling at me
and I suddenly want to witness how she grows.
When I saw the sun shines the sky even in light of the storm.
When I feel so down but people start cheering me on.
Maybe 2 weeks from now.
I can finally agree.
But maybe not.
I had another breakdown today.
I was walking in our street, the sun is out and the sky is beautiful, but it didn't stop my tears from flowing,
telling me that no matter how strong I thought I am is, I still need to step back and breathe.
I wiped my face after two, three tears fell, because my 3-year-old nephew was so happy waving his tiny hand as I pass by.
I smiled and asked God to keep me sane... even just for today.
I went to work feeling down and hotheaded. It feels like my colleagues don't want to do their tasks. I hate myself for a minute in accepting this job, but then I remembered those who don't have any on their table. 'I'm still blessed,' I said.
Then a minute ago, Mom called me up, asking me if I'm fine. And I said 'Yes.' because I don't want her to worry. I don't want her to see that I'm slowly dying because of my job. That at night I cry myself to sleep, thinking all the belittles and anger and curses that my boss throws at me. Hoping that tomorrow, if I'm still breathing
I will walk in our street
the sun is out and the sky is beautiful,
I don’t know what to do anymore
I keep on making decisions, I don’t know if it’s worthy
I want to cross the road and feel the pain caused by the car
I want to inflict pain that I wanted for so long
I want to be gone
But I can’t
Because I have work
I have responsibilities
I have obligations
That I need to do
I need to fulfill.
I hate wandering around and feeling lost and empty
I hate this feeling
I hate myself
Spare me from the sweetness of your words, from the gentleness of your touch. Spare me from the stories of your lost love and how you found it with me.
Spare me from the picture perfect dreams that you have for you and me,
Because we are not meant to be,
Not in this life time,
Not in this time.
For you are married while I don’t want to be called as the unknown wife.