I hate myself!
I hate myself!
I hate myself!
Maybe if I say it more than once, I'll stop believing the lies I tell myself each passing day.
The constant praises I give myself when I know my actions will someday lead me into a pit no one can get me out will be the reason for my downfall.
It has me wrapped around its finger and I no longer have the strength to uncoil myself.
Save me!
Save me!
Save me!

I felt ******* horrible for leaving you. Horrible.
Remembering how you picked me flowers and surprised me with junk food on my bad days, being so sweet.

-But then I remember-

I felt ******* horrible when you abused me. Horrible.
Not just the kind that leaves bruises, but the kind that made me question "should I wear this?" you were so rude.

-And then I remember-

I was supposed to marry you. White dress, friendsand family, dancing an promises. you could never keep your promises.

-Sometimes I remember-

I was supposed to call you, every time I drank- even though it wasn't even enough to get anyone drunk, because if I didn't and you found out, you wouldn't speak to me for a day, sometimes even two.

I remember smiling, giggling and laughing with you, but that didn't happen much.

But i ******* remember every reason I frowned, cried, and screamed.

I felt ******* horrible for leaving you, horrible.

-But then i remember-

How to love myself.

.
Pain.

Like sliding down bannisters
made from razor blades.

Like bathing in rose bushes,
swimming in broken glass.

I bought an Emo lawn.
It cuts itself.

Because I'm too busy ...

... cutting Me.



© Pagan Paul (04/10/17)

Self-hatred is self-generated
Can't keep this toxin on the shelf
It seeps and spreads
Into all that have tried to love you
Slowly separating you from everyone
That you have ever known
Leaving you forever alone
With only yourself to love

But what happens if you ***** up self-love?

What is there left to love if you can't even love yourself?
And who can ever love someone who doesn't love them self?

I'm your very own
Tablet of artificial happiness.
Because apparently
You're not capable of doing it yourself.
But it's okay, just swallow me
And I will fix you chemically.

You'll still be broken
But for a while
I'll make you forget
Because with me you'll have no choice
But to smile.
Don't be mad, just swallow me,
I'll get rid of your anxiety.

I don't always work
But I'm not perfect, of course
Just like you.
For that's why I'm here after all.
Your brains mis-wired but swallow me,
And I'll fix that... temporarily.

I understand why
You don't want to take me
Since you want
Simply to fix things on your own.
But give it up and swallow me,
Because no way you'll fix it naturally.

Because without me
You'll be as lost as you were.
Back in the beginning
Of a dark life you don't want to live.
Because admit it.
If you don't swallow me,
When in your life will you ever be
Happy?