Today was the first time I came close
I almost ended it in a post
Left to right I feel the fright
My pain is aching
What comes next
Inch by inch I take the test
Reeling with guilt and sorrow
I hate myself
Why can’t I be someone else
My body is a Perfect example of what not to be
Limp here limp there
I am disgusting
I hate myself all the time
Not just today
I want to slice my eyes open
As they don’t even work right
I am a walking disaster with nothing going for myself
I am so over it all
I cannot have what I desire I cannot have what I want
Someone is constantly judging me
With the looks of judgement
I feel condemned
Where is the honor in that
No...not even loyalty wins here
Who the hell is loyal these days
I hate myself
Not just today
Always

They're there, slouching slightly, tall and lean, their eyes like lapis
Who can't fall in love with them? I feel like it's impossible
Hair cut so so short, almost looking like a fairy
Their light voice and face dappled with small freckles

They can't see it, but they're absolutely beautiful
Literally everything about them, they're amazing
They are literally the best person in the world, they're perfect
I could describe them endlessly

They feel like dying every day and it physically hurts me
No one that nice or brave should feel like that
Why would someone so perfect want to end their own life?
How did they come to hate themself this way?

I’ve learnt how to hold you back during the day,
To the point where you become invisible
And i forget about your existence.

However, at night you consume me
To the point where I don’t know how I can forget about you at all...

The world is a cruel and unforgiving god
I exist to turn back to ashes and dust

They say the universe is in my veins
If so, the universe drips down my wrists

The stars from my eyes have long vanished
If ever they were such a thing

Small and insignificant as I navigate life
Afraid of all I say and do

All of this makes it plain to see
That this world has no purpose for me

You don't need an entitlement
You are already my favorite

When I'm deep asleep
You are mine to keep

But I always stay awake
Just to see your black array

Your nothingness gives me everything I need
And your silence gives me every reason to live

Everyone else is afraid of you,
Because you're too dark and dull

But that's not true
You're not nebulous, just blue.

You're not dull,
You're cool.

There is no room for insecurity
You are already perfect for me

I cling for your attention
I bring good intention

You're nothing but pure perfection
Try to see it in your own reflection

As I whisper your name
The moon dimmed and stars fell

Your name is so heavenly—
They close the gates of hell

You saved me from my suicidal craving,
Life has been hitting me awfully lately

The cut that life made was deeper
But you made me feel stronger

Is it an illusion?
Another perfect distraction

For my adoring death
And self-destruction

Your coldness touched my sole,
And your darkness captured my soul

I let your darkness devour me
It's no different from my misery

But that's okay,
You seem to notice me

It's enough fuel to stop my self-cruelty
Your presence is all I need

She’s got scars on her legs,
calls them battle wounds,
I’ve got the music up way to loud,
so loud we can’t hear our thoughts,

city lights provide the background,
as we lose control and make love,
doing anything to feel anything,
because it’s 2018 and it feels like no one gives a fck,

so we fck,
and after it's said and done she says,
“I don’t usually do this.”,
yeah well we often do things we don’t usually do,

no road home and no rules,
no control no lines no tolls,
keep knocking and you can come in,
but no one’s home,

what’s going on up there,
how can you be so terrifyingly beautiful,
why are you armed with such a stare,
I know you’re a weapon but what do you use it for,

armed to the teeth no bark all bite,
I say she’s a unicorn she says she’s a vampire,
and I don’t fall in love but with this one I just might,
because we better express ourselves before we expire,

got burned from her fire,
but it hurt so good,
like those cuts that we inflicted onto each other,
feeling erratic I guess blame it on the mood,

always ready to talk about anything except the truth,
she says she only lied to me once,
and that was about not liking Ethiopian food,
and I pretend to care but honestly don’t know if I give a fck,

what the fck,
I’m drunk,
and I don’t usually drink,
but I often do things I don’t usually do,

and I don’t mean to be rude,
but I’m not sure I love you,
because even if I did,
I’m not sure it’d matter to you so what’s the use,

you want the truth,
the truth is we’re born alone and we die alone,
and in the middle is where I found you,
and for a moment this runaway thought he'd found a home,

and I wanted us to stay forever in that moment,
laying there naked in each other’s arms,
but you were insecure and covered yourself back up,
because you didn’t want me to see your scars,

you’ve got scars on her legs,
calls them battle wounds,
I’ve got the music up way to loud,
so loud we can’t hear our thoughts,

city lights provide the background,
as we lose control and make love,
doing anything to feel anything,
because it’s 2018 and it feels like no one gives a fck...

∆ LaLux ∆

Melbourne, Australia
October 2018

I'll bury all my secrets in my skin,
come away with innocence
but bleed my truthful sins.
the world around me feels like
a tight cage
and "I love you", is just a camouflage
for your next episode of rage.

If you do love me, let me go
I'll probably run away before I truly know
my heart is too black to care,
is it destroyed if it was never really there?

I'll find my penance, delivered to my true state
if I'm alone I have no one to hate,
but myself.

My love was banished long ago,
if you still care don't ever let me know.

Angels will lie to keep control
making over heaven like some paradise we all want to go
dead trees are painted white
and she calls them beauty, art.

My selfish thoughts colour my life
and I call that my heart.

If I had to fix myself I don't know where I'd start
But I suppose,
I'd cut each limb to the bone
and tear my entire self apart.