as a kid, I was excellent at mathematics
& decided 7 was my lucky number
due to it's being prime, a number
that did not fit or divide evenly with anything,
as it was for me with friends--

i've skipped day seven
and find it interesting that
with time, i'm now drawn more to 8,
the infinite purpose and divinity
found in the ability to continue on
despite the odds,
a finite existence turned mystical
as the lion of Strength
closes his mouth
and does not speak his needs this day--

the wispy spider whispers in my ear
the secrets to eternity,
this obtuse circling of a star that has long passed
i wonder what my purpose is--

i wish i was not so aggressive with you,
my need for your improvement haunts me
as i want to be held and comforted
as i've never known, a feeling i've tasted
and long for deeply--

us humans are not taught to love ourselves,
to really nurture our own hearts
& minds, to know what is is we seek
to the furthest reaches of the galaxies,
we settle, don't question, don't find

& i want more--

Man, the mountain tamer.
Explains to the erupted how their cores can be corrupted. Disaster avoided he can rejoice, until he hears another voice. Afraid of how their emotional erosion may cause the Earth's explosion. Lost, not just their home, but themselves.

Man, the mountain tamer.
Sweetly shouts serenades to the mounds who seek aid. Blissfully bringing back the molten from back before they knew when. Lava they've learned to live through now erupting from within you. The heart's fatal eruption will be their world's destruction.

backwards progress
like the clock has lost
it's purpose &
decided to join the circus

**** it--

the effort has been perilous and i thought it would be alright just to hear your voice and feel your love and remember what we were working for but i'm stressed and nervous and what if i was wrong and we can't do this and it's just a solo road ahead until the landscape becomes smoother i just don't know--



i want to believe it's going to work out,
but i'm expending energy on it
that i don't have to expend worrying
when i dragged myself through
the grocery store after work and bought yarn,
the simplest of tasks
were the most soul-wrenchingly exhausting
& i want to go to bed--

is this what we need?
would you be better without me?
would i be better without you?
it hurts me to even ask
since i'd like to believe
i know what love feels like
but then maybe i'm not a good example--


there's this place
in my head far away,
my higher self lives there
in this magic forest,
Totoro and i could be kindred spirits
of thick, moist forest air
that rejuvenates the soul
just to smell the abundance,
the lust for everything & want for nothing--

i'd like to say things are getting easier


but i don't know much these days--

a light-headed
easiness is my breath,
finding footing and security
in the simple act
of breathing in
& out--

i am figuring out
what feels good, natural
like the length of leg-hair
that grows with steadfast vibrancy,
a thickness i accept
like the curves of my thighs, touching--

your words bring nurturing comfort,
this feeling of acceptance
& patience in your arms, distant
while i caress my own heart
with sweet nothings,
knowing full well we're both worth it--

scattered thoughts
but run
ning
non-
stop

breathe--

yoga s t r e t c h,

b r e a t h e

b e    h e r e,

finally figuring out
how to focus on what i have,
not the lack--

waking up to your comments
& feel a jolt,
the remembrance of what i'm working for,
or what could be
once i learn

me--

my eye lids are crack ed
flaking, an abundance of tears
leaving so frequently

a multitude at once, i know for sure
the end is nigh
but i charlie brown drag,
puff puff, no pass
and clean, straighten
in hopes of piecing together the in-
side while at it--

self-reflection looms
as i stare steadily in the mirror,
spray,
wipe,
but i know you have much to learn
& i can weather my demons
or just
flush them,

if only soul depth
could be explained as simply
as wiping away the cat hair
from the bathroom sink--

replays
over and
o v e r

hearing your voice,
& feeling alone--

this insane loop of "break"
playing on repeat,
this promise of love forever
if only we survive the

s
p
a
c
e

--

bone traitor.
Skin viper
Edge Stealer
Ridge maker
Health reflector.
Mirror- you liar!
Rogue on the scale...
Signs that my brain has duped me;
Floating oily in the
Basin
Phantom aches
Blood test lies
Powdery remedies pressed almond abandon all cows
Bean curd body snatching
**** the doctor to get a clue

Girl in pain this isn't me so-
Who the hell are you?

everyday interactions seem
pointless to upkeep
relationships fall apart
because i no longer
feel the need to
empathize
i don't have the capacity to
carry your problems
and mine