You deserve more
than this oddly-
shaped heart.

It's cold tonight,
And I should be too.

It's cold tonight,
And ***** this and ***** you.

It's cold tonight,
And why should I care?

It's cold tonight
And I'm shivering
And I'm shaking
And I just can't breathe ******* it.

It's cold tonight
And I just want to be alone and freeze,
Because the only person I want to be warm around
Is four hundred ******* miles away.

And when your words distance themselves
From your heart
It hurts to not be reassured
When all you wanna hear is that they'll stay,
That it's gonna be a-o-******'-kay.

But you don't even know.

It's cold tonight,
And so am I.

It's cold tonight,
And cut me open,
I won't bleed, I swear,
I'll shatter.

It's cold tonight,
And I'm angry for no reason,
Throwing a ******* tantrum,
Because my heart hurts and
You're distant.

And I know I'm immature
I know I have no reason to be upset,
But I am and I can't pinpoint why and
**** it.

Whatever,
Forget it.
I can't even make sense
To myself.

It's cold tonight,
And so am I.

All whispers, light and evil,
Derogatory, slaying the soul.
This is daylight -
This is night, the stars join in,
badgering the shying moon;
I wish I was the burning Sun
crying my bleach over fields and trees.
I can't surrender just yet -
But my weakness bleeds
through gulping swallows and choked up laughs
falling on petals, sliding away with the breeze.
I have no light or tunnel to spot it through;
And wouldn't know how to anyway.

Silly boy, you weren't ready for this.
You hadn't studied for it.
Love is joy, you never felt it like that.
Now it's your weapon.

How is this for you?
Does it help?
Will this pain bring you to work harder?
ть в порядке?

Angels watch your misguided adventure.
They're laughing at you.
God whispers into your ear.
Or is he the devil?

People avoid your crooked walk.
Loved ones, already cursed with your touch.
She got away, and is still cursed.
You divide .

How long will the wind guide you.
Devoid of free will.
**** them all.
Curse them with your touch.

Forever within your heart.
Poison your mind with doubt.
Silly boy, you gave up choice already.
Now you're on a road to ******.

Angels lower their heads in disappointment.
Devils look away.
Just another obsession.
I'm about to turn to dust.

I see you hurting and I want to help but I can't because I'm a *******.
I love you so I should be able to do something, anything, but I can't.
You say it's because I'm so far away, but I know that it's because I'm a *******.
Exhausted, you went to bed. I stared at the screen where you were
Where you were is still beautiful, more beautiful than anything I ever see for real.
Eventually I start googling myself, checking every name I've ever lied. I mean lived.
There's nothing there, not on google or bing or duckduckgo.
I'm not even enough of anything to anyone anywhere to be on duckduckgo?
How ******* pathetic is that?
I should be helping you but all I ever do is make you more stressed, more anxious, more upset.
You say I don't, that I give you strength, that I'm important to you.
But I know. I'm a *******.
Maybe you'd be happier without me. Maybe you'd be better off.
You tell me I'm being silly when I say **** like that.
Maybe you're just being kind.
What do I give you, what do I do for you?
I write you a love letter every night for you to read every morning.
I tell you I love you a hundred times a day.
I tell you you're beautiful every time I see you because every time I see you, you are beautiful.
I don't understand why you don't believe me.
Except that I'm nothing. So maybe I'll end it all and set you free. Crushed painkillers and good scotch.
Maybe some tranquilizers so my mind can be tranquil for once.
But I can't even do that, the nothing that I am; I don't have the courage or cowardice or whatever it takes to end myself.
Because what if I'm wrong? What if there is something that you see that I can't?
Besides, I can't leave you. I love you. I'm sorry.
I crawl into bed and feel the tears soak into my pillow.
I try to come up with a way to explain everything wrong with me so that you'll realize why I have to go.
I imagine your answers, I imagine your face as we talk.
I just want to stop hurting, to stop missing you when I have no right to miss you so much.
You're so beautiful. How can you not know?
Now, I'm thinking about kissing you.
And tomorrow doesn't seem so bad.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe I'll see in me what you tell me is there.
And maybe you'll let yourself be beautiful to me.
And we'll have a chance.
Maybe.

Take away the pain
Take away the strain
Just what would remain

I am held together with the struggle
I am held together because of all I juggle

I am nothing but agony
I am nothing but depravity
I am nothing but blasphemy

Question's on my mind weigh
If you could take that away
Do it right here today

Would I cease to exist
Would I still be here in the midst
Would I be missed

For I am nothing but self loathing, agony, and pain
If it could magically be taken away, would anything remain