I don't want to die as a secret to myself
That's the sole reason I wake up every morning
To experience here as being awake in a dream.

I see you behind clouds grey
The beaming sunshine after a storm
Evidence of beauty in tragedy

I see you in glistening oceans
Unsure of the waters awaiting past horizon
Evidence of beauty in uncertainty

I see you in dancing fields
The swaying of grass to the perennial hum of the wind
Evidence of beauty in tranquil

I see you in a tight hug
The comfort it offers
Evidence of beauty in safety

I see you in every little thing
Because people believe what they want to believe
People see what they ought to see

And I believe that I see you in all the beautiful things —
Evidence of love so pure.

I hope you do, too
If you could just see me too.

My dear, I wish I could speak my mind.
I would write in an eloquent letter and end the words with hearts
Saying that the distance between us will not tear us apart
But how do I tell you that and make those promises?
When I'm suffocating with such deep misunderstanding..

I pick up the letter and smudge the ink
Tear apart the sentences and cross out the hearts
I love you, I love you, but I'm sure you love me not at all.
How do I feel, what do I do? I'm tired when I endlessly think of you.
And the paper cuts mock me.
I give up before it drives me to insanity.
And I will sleep, perhaps for all of eternity.

Unworthy-
31/January/2021
1.22Am

That day when you asked if you could tell me a secret
I was so excited,
But to be honest I freaked out.
I was so unworthy of that weight.
My simple heart cannot hold such pressure.
The weight you are carrying.
The knowledge that you've earned.
I felt so unworthy of the words that would spill out of your lips.
That day I felt something different.
I thought I knew knowledge,
I thought I knew how to take life as easily as a floating feather.
I thought I knew how to take my problems and put it down with my fists.
I thought I knew what is love.
But that day your eyes told me a different story.
Your eyes showed me a story of a thousand nights.
A forest of thousand lives.
A Library with thousand books.
A universe of thousand skies.

Your eyes asked for trust that day
It asked for a chamber with a lost key,
Locked away and cannot be found for eternity.

But I am just a human.
Unworthy of the treasury you wanted to give.
Illiterate to the feelings you wanted to share.
And unworthy of your trust.

the little fragments of our memories
fills me up as its hard to miss.

the silent confirmation only we can understand;
reminds me of how you hold my hand.

when we meet eye to eye,
its like looking at the wide blue sky.

how you utter with such softness
makes my heart speak though it cannot express.

however a clandestine should not last;
it must always stay in the past.

a secret like this should go astray
for it will perish as it's fey.

nevertheless, I'll still cherish
every moments even if I have to be selfish.

Now it's not for enjoyment but for tolerance
Take it down with however many steps you need
Honey and water and age and some damnation
Take it down with however much frustration

Poison, desolation, feeling at the wrong time of the stars
Give me and forgive me until the final dawn
One more hour, one more hour for me and again
Time and time again let me take it down like fate

And I laugh in the shadows like a shadow
Brand new day until sanity catches up
Let me love; let me live until all is written and forgotten
A new day until the final unachievable dawn

she was as the smell of smoke,
clinging to my fingertips.
a linger of reckless abandon.
she was always the first ****,
burning my throat as i inhale.
fingertips, trailing constellations,
sweat glistening as the smoke coils.

i need fresh air.
but my lungs are black,
and i cannot breathe unaided.

One touch
Calls forth reality
Just a glimpse
Caught off guard
Never much
Walls with a moment of clarity
Of clearest quartz

Windows to the smokey undertones
Dried bushes of roses
Wilted, with petals to the wind
Stained stones
Line the path down
Into the endless pits of brown
Like bark of a tree
Or perhaps nutrient-rich soils
Of a secret garden
Watered with internalized rains
Never to flood out with great pains

In the garden
Shielded away
Is a pond of fish playing coy
Above tangling reeds
Only they stay
Protected from hands that may destroy
Or perhaps to brush against the hand that feeds
Light filtering through the green curtain

Buried beneath roots of reeds
Lies a chest of steel
Painted with winged steeds
Ghostly figures, perhaps once real
Locked with a strange mechanism
To which there is only one key
Of the strangest sorts
Perhaps lost to time
Or kept close as can be
Just out of sight

- Jay M
February 5th, 2021