"You're so thin, what's your secret?"
It isn't cutting out carbs,
My secret isn't a diet in a magazine,
My secret is hidden under baggy sweaters,
My secret is the scale hidden under clothes in my closet,
My secret is exercising until I pass out,
My secret comes from feeling fat every second even when I'm being begged to gain weight by doctors,
My secret is placing my entire self worth on a number and the belief that others judge me by the same numbers,
My secret is a voice that is always yelling at me, telling me I take up too much space and need to be sick to be acceptable,
My secret is looking in the mirror at all the weight I think I've gained since the last time I looked, an hour before,
My secret is the desire to slice my fat right off,
My secret is the hidden food in my dresser that I told my mom I was taking for lunch,
My secret is hidden at the bottom of toilet bowls,
It's an empty laxative package,
It's fainting every time I stand up too fast,
It's numbers. It's all numbers. Calories. Pounds. Kilograms. Clothing sizes. Calories. Inches. BMI. Calories. It's counting, recounting, then deciding I don't desire it anyway.
It's striving for the lowest number, to have the lowest number, to be the lowest number,
My secret is comparing myself to everyone I see and always thinking I'm worse,
My secret is turned down coffee dates, parties, and sleepovers because there will be food there,
My secret is the word "fat" carved into my inner thigh with a blade from a pencil sharpener,
My secret hides behind every "no thanks I'm allergic" "I'm vegan" "I can't have gluten" and "I already ate",
It's being told curves are beautiful and nobody wants to date a skeleton but still not being able to believe it,
My secret is paranoia that everyone is trying to make me fat,
My secret is having nightmares of eating an almond then waking up with a racing heart and panicking,
You want to know my secret?
My secret is in the tenth grade my bmi was lower than my age,
My secret was tears shed in hospital beds,
My secret is being begged by everyone I love to just have a bite,
My secret is being afraid of eating fruits or drinking water because I think it'll make me fat,
My secret is getting on scales then off of them then on them then back off and still not trusting it,
My secret is a constant demand to be thinner with no point that will ever be enough,
My secret is that the only curves I want are the curves my ribs would make poking through my skin,
My secret is squeezing my fat until my nails pierce my skin,
My secret is feeling like I'm being suffocated by my own body,
My secret is dizzy days and cold skin,
My secret is that even through years of therapy I can't get the same amount of satisfaction from any person or accomplishment as I can from losing weight,
My secret comes from every hit from my mom, from every nasty word spoken by the girls who thought I wasn't good enough, from every guy's touch I didn't ask for,
I didn't get thin due to having willpower,
I got thin from becoming powerless
to a mirror that will never tell me I'm good enough until I'm dead.

Is there a way to eliminate all Fear?
Can we be Happy and live with Cheer?
Can we stop Worrying and living with Stress?
Can we eliminate Anxiety that makes our life, a Mess?
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

Is your life filled with Depression?
Do you want to make your life a Celebration?
The culprit, the enemy, is your own Mind
It’s robbing your Peace and Bliss, you will Find!
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

All our miseries are rooted in Thought
When in toxic Thought, We are Caught
Then, we are filled with Rotten Thoughts that are Junk
We lose our Peace, can’t live like a Monk
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

We all suffer this Triple Suffering on Earth!
These miseries are for all those who take Birth
But there is a way out of this Mess
We can eliminate Fear, Anxiety and Stress
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!


To find Peace, Let’s get to the bottom of the Root
To be Blissful, we must Realize the Truth
The Mind is a crook, it acts like the King
But in fact, it causes all Suffering
Let’s discover the secret of Peace and Happiness!

Not one or two, it’s fifty thoughts, a Minute
The Mind bombards us and we are Lost in it
Then it becomes our boss, rides our Life Horse
We are controlled by it, this is a big Loss
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!


The first secret is simple, move from NEP to PEP!
From Negative to Positive, Take this First Step
Then, we must move from Mind to Consciousness
And live a Life of Peace and Happiness
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!


How do you do it? Try to find the Mind
Where is the Mind, You cannot Find!
Still, this Rascal makes us Blind
Let us discover the Truth, leave the Mind
Behind Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

What is the way to **** the Mind?
It is simple, we must still the Mind
The Mind with the Ego, becomes the ME
Then from Misery, we are not Free
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!


The ME creates Anger, Revenge and Hate
There is Jealousy and Anguish at our Life’s Gate
Together, the Mind and Ego, ME, make us Cry
We then look at the sky and ask, ‘Why?’
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

Those who Realize that Life is just a Drama
That everything is Karma, for them, there is no Trauma
They realize that Suffering is nothing but a Choice
They choose to be Happy, they choose to be Wise
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

The fact is, we are not the Body, Ego or Mind
We are the Soul, this Truth we must Find
The Soul never suffers, it radiates Peace
In Consciousness, there is no Sorrow, Miseries Cease
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

Those who think that Success is Happiness
They run behind Pleasure, live with Anxiety and Stress
They don’t realize that the Foundation is Peace
Where there is no Peace, our Sorrow will Increase
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

The Secret teaches us to go beyond Entertainment
It gives us Ultimate Bliss with Enlightenment
When we Realize, we are the Divine Soul
In Eternal Bliss, we achieve our Goal
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!


The journey starts with Illumination
Then there is Purification and Realization
From Misery, there is Liberation
In Bliss, there is Divine Unification
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

There is a way to be Happy, all day
We can eliminate Misery, take Sorrow away
Though the skies are Cloudy and Grey
We can be Happy, whatever comes our way
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

So, let’s start and remove all the Junk
Tame the Monkey Mind, make it a Monk!
Let’s make the resolve to Suffer No More
Push the Mind out and Lock the Door
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

What is the way to Eternal Bliss?
It is living in Truth Consciousness
When we overcome the myth and Realize the Truth
Then Peace and Bliss will fill our Root
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

There is no need to live with Fear and Stress
Remove Anxiety and Worry that is causing the Mess
Live in Consciousness, live in Peace
When there is no Mind, Miseries Cease
Let’s discover the secret to Peace and Happiness!

Secret thoughts,
Secret thoughts,
I have about,
Those who I adore,

Secret thoughts,
Secret thoughts,
I have wishing,
They loved me more,

Secret poems I've writ
Secret words scribbled on page slips
Wishing they would love me different than they do
And wanting to tell them the secret words
But then they wouldn't be my secret thoughts
Secret thoughts,

I guess I want everyone to puddle
In a pool of loving goo
Around me
To lay on me with the couch
Wanting nothing more
And nothing less than
The couch of rest
Together

Is this just a place where I go to feel lonely
To write my secret thoughts
Isn't it so much better
To love how they love me
To appreciate how they are able to show their love for me

So what if he doesn't love me how I wish he would
Doesn't want me how I wish he would

I feel sexually attracted to anyone I find attractive
So
I don't understand how
Him not loving me
Not wanting me sexually
Means anything other than that I am unattractive to him
I think this is something I will learn
On my own
And I don't think it's something I will ask

I am sinking deeper into the couch
Knowing I need to go put chicken in the oven
And chop up the zucchini
I thought of texting my ex this morning
To see if he would want to go get a coffee
Check in

I can picture him saying, "stop being weird! Just text me"
But it was early and he was probably sleeping
And if I'd texted him maybe he would have followed up
Later in the day
And tried to rain check
But no
I don't want a standing rain check on coffee
With someone I only want to see on random mornings
When Gotye is stuck in my head

I am dancing much more lately

I am glad the other guy left town
It was too much
He was here for too long

I am being more open
To life
To friends
To opportunity
And also to
Energies around me
They are getting in me and on me
And being big and large
And feeling larger than me
And it's hard to feel so stuck up with other people
To feel so affected
To wake up with thoughts
secret thoughts
of someone else's life

Secret thoughts, secret thoughts
The secret thoughts I have about myself
I don't want them to be secret at all.