totality crushes
red and blue flames
char and boil in bursting streams
all throughout, circulating and
articulating me—
a billion units of decaying anatomy
that buckle and fragment
at every scene I sabotage
and blunder

him, pierce so violent
him, scream so quiet

all while drowning in hands
that touch with love

whenever I inquire,
and feed me handsomely

ruining my moment of drought

You wanted me quiet-
A flicker in the dark,
Something trilling
You wanted a spark

I was your secret,
Easier to keep alone
Because secrets rots,
When kept for too long

You wanted my all, my devotion
You paced around it, like a dare
Like a truth, not to be shared

You don't think I feel,
But it's all I felt
Yet I stayed silent,
I am my own personal hell

I self sabotage
Knowing you wouldn't care
I didn't not want you,
You just wanted-
What can never be fully touched

Never to be fixed,
And never undone.

how long can I keep up the facade?
hold my head above water,
paste a smile on
not feel the buzzing underneath my skin
Ten years later, there it is again
can you believe it?
back like it never left
Whether to protect or sabotage,
to be determined
A month in, and there she is
a bitter reflection, grenade in hand
ready to pull the pin
just when you think you're safe

Chin up Chuck; the girl broke your heart
you say “I don’t give a ****” but she tore you apart.
You think you’ll figure it out, and that she just might stay
but after the words you shout, she knows she has to go away.
Something’s you can’t get loose
something’s just get stuck.
You’ll wonder if it was love or abuse
but chin up, Chuck.

Chin up Chuck, you’ve been left in the dark
lost all of your luck but hope for a spark.
You think you’ll find a route, get out of it all alive,
drag and pull boot by boot, praying you might survive.
Something’s you can’t just find
something’s just get stuck.
Are you in the dark or are you blind?
Still chin up, Chuck.

Chin up Chuck; the world gives you quarrel
you’ve drowned in the muck and let go of each moral.
You think you’ll be missed, maybe seen as a
martyr,
in truth you’d be ****** because you’re only seen as a **** starter.
Something’s won’t go right
something’s just get stuck,
but you don’t ever give up the fight
because you’re Chin up Chuck.

The fields of gold—
Looking grave
as past faces
caught up quickly,
smothering any presence
with smoldering reminders.

Alas, the echelons of memories
stood tall, like soldiers
steadfast, unwavering
to the imminent fall.

They remind him of his reflection,
belabored by reality’s labor.
Lines buried in sand,
etched onto his head—
burning coals of souls
that throttle his legs into motion.

He runs, and runs,
coerced to send the sun
his kinetic aspirations,
to deflect and reflect,
to dissolve prophecies beleaguered.

For it is he
who devises the Devil
of his own doing.

It would hurt if I adored you any more than I do
because this is another page out of the same book

A bad habit of mine
A way to pass the time

But it's true that I'm crazy about you

Sometimes it feels like coming home
the way we talk
as if all hope isn't totally lost

You could never want me as much as I want you
and that's alright

This is just a trust exercise
an attempt at love
by someone far too traumatised

Half of me
has given up
and the other half
hasn’t even started yet
it’s always been like this
myself vs. myself

the battle of two stubborn selves

they take turn
in winning fights
I’m so confused and tired
to root for both
each time

It’s a twisted game.

I play myself.

I'm a demolitions expert of renown
Star of the show, the talk of the town
A destroyer of worlds they say
Or at the very least a destroyer of one

Voices rang inside my head
When things were good in my life
The urge to sabotage, the want to destroy
The desire to go off-course, the desire to stop

It has been there for as long as I can remember
Guiding me to the dark path
More often winning than being ignored
It was something I blamed for the way things are

But that was just me, my subconscious, my insecurity
Molding my decisions to be as suboptimal as possible
I need to accept, and got to learn accountability
Face the consequences, and fix the broken crucible

I want to destroy no more, for destruction is already here
Already suffering for the mess I have made
What I thought I deserved, I definitely do not
Now I have to make do with what little I have left

Let it stand as a lesson, let it stay as a warning
Beware when you light the fuse and watch the sparks
They may shine beautifully, but they are searing to the eyes
And if you do continue, give the big boom my regards

Like an experiment
What makes you this way?
Ask 'why' one more time but make it twelve
Repeat reaction

You'd move the box if you tripped over it as much as you do yourself, silly goose

Why do you need it?
You're not a vampire
Nor a Ferris wheel

Get it together

the best way to sabotage
success having unrealistic
expectations