The sun.
She knocks on my door
through the cracks

She wakes me with her vibrant glow
And stirs my soul
From calm to restless

Deep swirling blue to smooth, gradient rose
Her hues paint for me
A new reason to live each day

I've been fantasizing death like a child fantasizes Disneyland
It seems that death is the only thing right now that could bring that kind of joy
A renewal of innocence that will bring me back to Main Street
but the only street I see now is the one at my feet as I walk with my head down
staring at the ground while trying to hide the frown that's forever buried in my skull.
I want to reach out or float out into an empty void but one much more empty than the abyss,
the precipice that has become my waking thoughts.
I sleep because my dreams are my only safe place
but even now my dreams have become a dark space
so I hide my face in my pillow at night
lie awake and hope that when the morning breaks
that life will be a little more kind
maybe life will be a little more aligned with whatever it is that keeps me behind that steady pace that I used to find
as a child

Stinging morning coffee bliss acompanies the first cig of the day,
It’s all downhill from here.
Does normal things Goes to lecture
Lunchtime sugar low.
Self-destructive tendencies itching,
Beer kick - gets drunk.
Being constructive is crushing.
Goes to lecure
Mind numbing normality
Home.
Fearful of loneliness and needy, go waste some hours.
Its late. Restless.
Stoop on the street,
with friends. Anxious, ill.
Wasted night.
Collapse into a shallow sleep of self-loathing.
Zombied.
Repeated offence.

Death tempts me with a chance to finally fall asleep...


And I chose to decline.
O' the regret.

The finish line’s so far ahead.
I don’t even know who I’ll be when I get there.

But I’m not gonna run,
put my foot on the gas and
drive past the roses
I could be smelling.

In 20 years time,
I’ll be 38
regardless of whether I spend that time fretting
or getting a view of the sea.

I will always be restless,
always anxious to get to that perfect place
that either doesn’t exist
or is where I am now.x

There came a tapping on my eyes
A muffled voice, an urgent plea
to wash away the tranquil ignorance
and replace it with turbulant daze
O the effect it had on me..
Had the world gone black
for two days or three
I would've thrown a late night party
invited every star one could see
in the ***** of sky, at the hand of moon
and their shiny reflections in the black sea
But that my grey dreams come true
in the wake of sun's ascent
to turn its golden rays to dead ashes
leaves me without a single clue
if there's a dawn to marry the end of this night
If it's what I'll always be through..

Distant from reality
Have I lost my sanity?

This isn’t what I’ve planned
Where’s my mind at?

I have no clue what to do.
I’ll make it out alive.
Now I just have to fight.

I want to die tonight.
Leave it all behind,
Make a break with time,
And make a break for freedom.

Kiss the sky,
And take a look behind
The veil that holds the stars in place,
And ties us down to time and space,
Caught within an endless race...
I just want it to be over.

Not an ounce of anger
nor arden rage
which typically fill the pages.
There’s a subtle calm
causing such hesitation;
a sense of being stuck.
-Restless, drifting
in a sea of tranquility.