Grief on wings of the White Dove
With an olive branch hanging
From her beak.
  
My heart expanding
Yearning  to burst open
Into expressions of mourning.
Grief expanding into mourning  
I lost you!

My inner feelings crying
Thoughts, punctuated with deep sighs.  
Tears, watering the branches
Lying at my feet.

Crying, outside of my self
Longing for you...
So, many tones of agony...

Pouring out of my heart.
The songs  of longing
Music welling up
From deep behind my eyes.
Writing, sharing, feeling, expressing
Art of the heart seeking release

Each anniversary
The day you died
The month afterwards
Each month…2, 3, 4, 5...
Your birthday
The first day, of the sixth month.

The usual Christmas tree celebration
Did not happen.
No popcorn stringer
With gummi bears and gum drops
No snow man soup
No gingerbread house …
My heart so heavy
My limbs were numb.

Oh, I miss your quite
Knowing humor
The gilt in your eyes
One year…two years
7 months & 19 days ago
Around 10 pm….
I still feel the sting
Of  hearing the news
Brother, speaking, describing
I not wanting to hear, " ... he's gone ..."

It just did not feel real!
No, it can't be…
NO! Not STEPHAN!!!!!!!!!!
Lord, NO! Please no!!
I picked up my pen
To scribble the notes…
I needed to see!
I needed to read!!!
I needed to write it all!!!

And when I reread it
I cried! …Sobbing…..
It became the way
To express my grief
My sorrow
My pain.

As the pain poured out
Out come what was left unresolved.
It helped to quiet my soul.
I could feel you
As I asked questions
And the answers
Poured and poured outward.

Pain flowed out
As understanding
Entering my heart.

Flying this path
Healing in my way
At the helm of my love
I reach toward you

Issue by issue
Understanding by understanding
Through rain, sleet and storm
My heart, calming
Though, a little unsteady...
Shaking
Hold on to me
I am a little unsteady.

Through their Misconceptions
I affirmed that  - grief is okay
Yet when mourning
Some still say,  "Just get on with it."

No orderly stages
Neither up or nor down?  
It Spirals round
In and through.
With the hand of Understanding
My heart, now stands in awe..
So this is compassion!

As the  key to the lock
Opens the door
The Dove flying freely
A fledgling peeks above the edge
Of the mud
Of straw and twigs.

I thought he few away
My spirit left mourning
The light dimmed
On this plane

Yet he lives!
My son lives!
His Light Shining
As the Inner Compass
Points the Way.

Now forever
Heart to heart
I embrace my son

It is much deeper now
All the unresolved floating up
As White Feathers Rising
Toward the Sun.
Toward the  Light

And the White Dove her sang of joy
Honoring the Red Rose
Of our Serenity.

Realize there will come a day
Whether it is a day
A week
A month
Or year
That it's only a matter of time
Til I snap
Finally leave here

It is inevitable but knowing that
Does not change how much I care
It's not worth it anymore
Too deeply broken to repair

I have tried everything I can think of
It seems to be our time to end
Tried to resurrect our love
It refused to fully mend

I have spoken ten thousand words
Must learn to accept and endure
Take from open forgiving hands
Drained empty of all that's good and pure

It hurts to see us work hard
To fall after giving our all
In your heart drugs badly hold a special place
Heed to their nightly call

Your arms slipping off my hips
Grab the high you'll never reach
Regret neglect when I'm gone
At the time hate hearing me preach

It is exactly how described
You wanted it back in your brain
If its what makes you the best
Important to avoiding the shame

You will find a new way to **** your time
To distract from the awful truth
If not you will be forced to live in memories
An excuse to be caged in ignorant youth

You dig an early grave
Worn out
Burnt up
Feeling dead
It takes all motivation
To lie around for days in bed

Somewhere between give and take
Took your time and took your heart
Taking for granted the pictures we've taken
Cannot take much more before I depart

I find my familiar resolve weakening
You know it doesn't take much
Wish I could resist your magic
I'm not immune to your touch

I have accepted we'll never see eye-to-eye
Would give up all possessions to do that though
We both know that's not a lot
What would that even show?

And I'm slowly pushed away
All I long for is to be close
Why do I feel so unwanted
By one I love the most?

I am more than a passenger.
I am the reactor.
Power sputters, spurts, spews.
I am the greatest factor.
The soul protagonist of my chapters.
This scene's star actor.
Purring ad lib in sync with script,
lapping up rapture.

I wanted a doctorate,
one that specialized in him -
to know him so thoroughly
that the lines on his palms were
ones I could recite in my sleep
I was so close to getting it.

His voice caught my attention.
"What?" he asked kindly.
"Oh, nothing," I said nonchalantly
as I averted my eyes,
kept the blossoming love hidden.
I resolved to try another day.

Beautiful downtown Atlanta
Sunny, blue, cloudless sky
Tall, wide, massive buildings
Window glass glistening in the sun
Beautiful, well-dressed people
Gainfully employed people
Taking care of business people
Running essential errands
Contributing to the community
Pursuing positive, purposeful lives.

I take in the sights, sounds, smells
Sounds of people walking, talking
Engines revving and car horns
Smells of restaurants and fast food vendors
Engine exhaust and overheated brakes
The feel of the sidewalk
Under my expensive dress shoes
The heat of the sun on my face and neck
The exciting hustle and bustle
Of a thriving metropolis.

A faint “Please, sir. . .” reaches my ears
And a homeless man appears
*****, disheveled, hirsute
“Please, sir. Could you. . .”
His weak speech trails off
As I divert my eyes, quicken my pace
Ignoring his petty pleas
As he disappears in my wake
Bothersome soul, good riddance
Why doesn’t the city do something?

Days later the encounter haunts me
I was so proud of the way I handled myself
How easy it was to dismiss a soul in need
Months later the encounter haunts me
Instead of the clever human
I had become cruel, inhuman
Unfeeling, unkind, uncaring
Years later the encounter still haunts me
Never will it ever happen again
Never. . . ever.

Noble heritage they cannot erase
Ancestor’s plight laid bare for all to see
Tribal identity etched in each face
Invincible spirit their pedigree
Various attempts meant to “civilize”
Expanding demands for more and more land

Pogroms by forced removal terrorized
Extreme suffering they had to withstand.
Their unshakable resolve saw them through
Providing strength to mitigate their fears
Lives lost, yes, their memory they’ll renew
Endless remembrance of the Trail of Tears.

Now that passion's embrace has left me cold.
I find I must stay away:
Deliberately, Intentionally....
With purpose and necessity.
Whenever I begin to cave in,
Lending an ear to those forgotten words.
All my hidden resolve departs.
Sweet betrayal,
How could I ever doubt?
My Dear, My Love, My Light...
Deceive me again.