i am envious
of what you have,
but not
of who you are

regardless,
it withers me

instead of watching
your garden grow, even if
i find it
utterly dull;

perhaps,
i should start digging up
the earth in my own,
neglected plot

and observe
what becomes

please know that I love you more than the stars, the sun, and the skies could hold.

but I don't know how to fix something without damaging it the process.

you are fragile, and my hands have unintentionally fractured you countless times. I know this, even though you've never explicitly told me.

I dance on eggshells around you: I am atlas, pirouetting across an empire of thin ice, just so I don't mar you with my words.

swallowing conversations and feelings is a talent we both possess. to spare the pain of the other, we dampen the truth. we drink the fires of resentment and leave them to ferment.

I cannot fix this without potentially damaging it further.

I'm a storm with skin. my collateral damage knows no bounds, spares no mercy. you know this. but hear me, and heed me closely.

I don't paint you as the villain. you aren't the martyr. we are equally responsible for this damage and decay. the rot of something once beautiful.

yet I cannot fix something without causing further damage.

we are a two way street. growth of beauty cannot flourish in stagnation.

please, do not test the limits of my volatility. I cannot mend the tatters of thirteen years with a single spool of thread.

I refuse to swallow fermented resentment. I walk on eggshells carrying mountains for you no more.

this tapestry will end in one of two ways: opulent splendor, or devoured by living flames.

I cannot fix something without destroying it in the process.

I think about what I went through
I didn't deserve any of it
The fact that you were supposed to love me and said I care about you
But let's skip past the I love you' s what you put me through all those years ago / months
Let's focus on the fact that I still can't speak about it and when I do I weep until I'm so overcome with sadness and anger
That it makes me upset at myself
I know it wasn't my fault
But you kept putting me through so much that I rather not go into detail about it
But this is what I still can't fathom
How can you sleep at night
Knowing you hurt me so deeply
To the point where whenever I speak your name
It feels like poison on my tongue
And I'm reminded of why I resent you
My love for you died
when I realized that the one closest to you will hurt you and take joy in doing so
You taught me from a young age
The empty feelings and promises
But most importantly
You were the first one who messed up my trust

Evacuate the cockpit,
Give me the joystick,
I am the one in control.

Enough of your decisions,
Enjoy my dominion,
This is what you deserve.

You don’t need to speak,
Go join with the weak,
I am not listening.

Don’t give me your emotion,
My plan is in motion,
There is nothing you can do.

How does it feel?
Your fate is sealed.
Helpless just like me.

See, I am weakest upon this ship,
My esteem drains drip by drip.
But you don’t know that.
Because I am in control.

Divide and conquer,
Narcissistic, off my rocker,
I am your ruler now.

Don’t look me in the eye,
Shut up and stand in line,
I. Am in. Control.

I don’t care if you think you can save me
I don’t care if you think you have the right to change me
I don’t care if you think I’m scary or crazy or whatever
I don’t care if you think I’m someone for you to change, to control
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

I don’t care if your circuits are blown by being in my presence
I don’t care if your friends are coming for you over what I am
I don’t care if your hormones are raging out of control
I don’t care if your systems are screaming in a desperate need to lash out
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

Do you understand now that not everything is about you
Do you understand now that you don’t get to run me
Do you understand now that I’m no toy for you to play around with
Do you understand now that causing strife by minding my business helps no one
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

My soul came back, quick like lightning,
and it's arrival was not welcome.
Sporting a fresh crack under whitening,
bound with a fate to always be numb.
Everyone desperately craves originality,
but they don't realize the isolation.
There doesn't seem to be a solid home for me,
amongst this dust and desolation.

Horror of hollow, living on the brink of life.
Tomorrow I'll swallow my words that cut like a knife.
I'll document the destruction and bring it to light,
I hope the eruption satisfies your appetite.

The walls were tainted with love struck scribbles,
written in every colour of the rainbow,
so we painted but there still were dribbles,
I slept in a made bed and always reap what I sow.
What does it matter if it's in the past?
There's no reasons that I've found.
But I see a pattern of what doesn't last
and you know lately I'm always down.

You went to rub salt in my wound
I told you that I've had my fill.
You informed me the world was doomed,
and you were looking forward to the thrill.

Horror of hollow, living on the brink of life.
Borrow and follow the world's sense of strife.
I'll document the destruction and bring it to light,
just because that's how you feel it doesn't make it right.

I never knew much about other souls,
until I watched one fall apart,
crumbling from all the cracks and holes,
stemming out from a broken heart.
I was never fluent in social clues,
the ones that tell you what you want to hear,
instead I'd sit silent ready to lose,
what I loved all due to fear.

Horror of hollow, living on the brink of life.
Explorer of wallow, bestfriend and a wife.
I'll document the destruction and bring it to light,
I'll underline the tragedy and italicize my might.
I'll document the destruction and bring it to light,
but how will anyone know if it never makes it into sight?

I know I've been a ***** lately
And you're definitely not used to that
And even if I'm angry at you
I know you don't deserve it

You told me not to push you away
Because I'd rather get wasted than tell you how I feel
Because this **** is killing me
But if I tell you that
Nothing will change

So why would I tell you that this is the most pain I've ever felt?
Why would I tell you how much I hate this whole thing?
Why would I say that I'm fighting all my instincts to run?
Because you know I won't
Because I love you
And leaving would hurt just as bad as this

And why would I tell you I don't want you to have a third partner?
Although you kind of already do
And even staining those words on this screen
Makes me want to ******* die

We're supposed to work through ****
But what if I can't?
I know we've all felt this way
But we are not the same
You and they cried about it
So did I
A few times
But now I'm just angry and resentful
And I feel nothing aside from that
Except the urge to hurt myself

Why would I tell you that hanging out doesn't help me?
It really doesn't change anything
Because even when we're together
I accidentally see her name across your phone screen
You mention her in a story
And my insides implode and I
Immediately
Wanted
to leave

But we were in a group
And I didn't want to answer any questions
Because these thoughts feel juvenile
And my aggression that's normally hidden
Tucked deep inside where no one else can see it
Is starting to break free
And I don't know what that means

When I'm at work I want to die
But when I go home I feel the exact same
And if you had came over today
I knew it was out of pity
And I don't need that ****
You cannot fix me
Nothing helps this

I feel ******* useless
I feel replaceable
I feel angry and aggressive (because I am)
And I feel invisible
I feel like I don't matter at all
And what I feel means absolutely nothing
Because you'll do whatever you want
And even though I say that's fine
I'm ******* suffocating
And I really don't know if I can hold my breathe much longer
Before I lose myself
And leave