Shimmering light, gleaning
In my eye, million
Shades of green
Among the trees
What is it
That I see?
When I look at you,
Is it a reflection of me?
Or an abstraction of you?
Is it really you,
That I am looking at,
Or am I looking at me,
Through a part of you?

Friends to lovers.
Lovers to nothing.

I remember the days you craved hearing my voice on your line.
Obsessed doesn't seem strong enough.
I would answer every time.
Completely gone over you.

But my voice was not enough,
Wasn't long before you needed my time.
My lips, my body, my touch.
I would give it every time.

I'm empty now, I gave it all to you.
Funny, now you don't want it.
Give it back, I need it for someone new.
She deserves this energy, that care.

She needs it, I see it in her stare.

शायद मुझे कभी प्यार नहीं हुआ, हाँ, ये बात जानता हूँ मैं,
किसी से दिल का इज़हार नहीं किया, इस खूबियत से वाकिफ हूँ मैं।
डरता रहा इस उलझन में, कि क्या सोचेगी वो?
इन प्यार की बातों को बचकाना कहेगी वो।

आया हूँ इस उम्मीद से, रख दूंगा मैं दिल खोलकर,
इस खौफ और भय की चादर को आज दूर कर।
कि हो क़ुबूल तुम्हें, ये मेरी फरियाद है,
जो न करो मंज़ूर ,फिर भी जियूँगा मैं शान से |

She keeps this beast  
Locked inside,  
Feeding it wine
To settle it down.  
When you look at her,  
She looks like she has it  
All together.  
But nobody really knows
What it's like.  
To stay up half the night,  
Clawed from the inside out.
It terrifies her.
Most days she doesn't say a word
And keeps to herself.
To the one she loves,  
If she reveals those pieces  
Of herself,  
Will you stay? Will you go?  
Like everything else that  
She’s lost.
She drinks to keep herself at peace,  
To keep the beast
from growling too loud.  
And for a minute, she forgets about  
Those broken pieces that didn’t  
Heal quite right.
That it's okay to breathe.
Even if it's for a minute.

If you’re reading this,  
She’s afraid  
To let you in.  
That once you’re in,  
You’ll smell those rotten parts  
That hide behind her eyes,
Or that you’ll hear the toenails screech  
Of the beast she keeps subdued,  
That you’ll realize it’s not  
A beast at all.
It’s the part of her that realizes  
The possibility that you cannot  
Love her, without loving the beast.
Those not so good pieces of herself.
Those frazzled insecure pieces
That despite everything she cannot
Control.
And in the end,  
She’ll regret it all if you turn around
And walk away.
No matter how strong the cage.
One of those bars loosens
Everytime she stares at you

The mother slips into a drunken haze
as her daughter’s heart is hardened still.
She wishes for the former days,
before rejection claimed, “I never will.”

He tried his best to care for her
but to her he was but a splotch
or a stain on her sundress, unconcerned.
Picked flowers nearby, on his lips, “Forget me not.”

It is everywhere

Like time kissing the stream of my life
or the wedding night of a husband and wife
Like splitting one hair
or ruining my heart to get there.
Rejection is surrounding me. Everywhere.

Yet even closer somehow
is the warmth of an embrace, 
a protection from rejection. I feel it now.
I feel it in this secret space.

Living with a heart so big
but with a body that resonates to a pig
what would he do
if they said no .
Nothing
he would cry on his laptop
while trying to study

Why do I not want to tell them?

...

The last time I told them about something that was so important to me was when I came out to them as nonbinary.
I thought they were at least slightly accepting, she had had a gay friend after all, and they had never shown any obvious transphobia.
(Its funny how, after I came out, the bigotry became a lot more prevalent).

And so, I went to my grandma's kitchen, sat on the floor, in a corner, and typed out
"I am nonbinary"
in our group chat.
My thumb hovered over send for what seemed like an eternity
until, finally,
I pressed send.
And then I started to cry.

They had texted back "okay" and "what does that mean" but I didn't respond. I couldn't respond.
When she picked me up a few hours later, we talked.
Well, she talked.

She told me how I'm just confused
and how theres only two genders giving me some ****** up biology lesson about it, using the terms "gender" and "***" interchangeably.
and how society had just manipulating me to be this way
and how it was a sin against God
and how I don't get a choice in this
and how I'm a
beautiful girl
and I didn't have to be insecure about it.

I was
broken
by these words.
I cried that night.
I cried
           and cried
because I realized that
they would never accept me.
They would never love me.

I think I
                attempted
to
                                  ­              **** myself
that night.

I don't remember, exactly
There were so many attempts that I just
can't remember
anymore.

...

Why do I not want to tell them?

Because
I'm scared.
I don't want to be ridiculed and criticized.
I don't want to break my own heart again.
I don't want to be rejected again.
I don't trust them anymore.

I don't want to tell them, because they lost my
trust.