I wrote to you to speak,
I don’t know if out of love,
or so you would reject me.

I wrote to you with love,
but in a negative way,
inviting disaster.

A disaster that would hurt me,
that would punish me.

Because she didn’t love me,
because she didn’t know how to love me.

I felt alone,
but I also didn’t let
anyone accompany me.

It seems I hurt myself,
because I was the first
to reject myself.

A wound marks me,
from a distant time,
which over time
had only been reaffirmed.

I did something foolish,
to harm myself,
and guilt placed me in your hands.

I did something foolish,
I invalidated myself,
so that you could love me.

I did something foolish,
a kind of
self-sabotage.

I did something foolish,
as if handing you the power
to hurt me.
Without response,
without defense,
hoping to wake up.

I sacrificed myself for your validation,
giving you everything,
without ever finding you.

Since I didn’t see
what I was hoping for,
I gave even more.

I repeated the cycle
so many times, to extremes,
affecting your interest
and causing emotional exhaustion.

Creating dependence
on your love,
as if mine didn’t matter.

I surely criticized myself,
surely devalued myself,
surely waited for you to leave
to release this burden.

I let you dominate me,
I didn’t say what hurt me,
so you wouldn’t leave for another.

I accepted unfair conditions,
prioritizing your desires,
never seeing my own,
accumulating resentment.

I no longer knew who I was,
I lost everything of myself,
I didn’t love myself,
nor could I be loved.

I didn’t allow myself to move forward,
I didn’t allow myself to love you,
this fear running through my veins
didn’t allow me to find you.

I will no longer open my heart to anyone,
I stop searching for you,
I don’t want to hurt myself again.

Deep inside my heart,
I knew this wound
could be healed.

It is just a small wound,
one for which I am responsible.

My great love, I will find you,
my favorite girl,
when I finally learn to love myself.

My great love, I will find you,
to play like children,
to have a healthy love.

If you live for their acceptance, you'll die by their rejection
I embody the poison in the elixir of my fruit
Enthralled with thoughts, habits, expressions of thine self

Adoration for passion infects me with your selection
Your concoction soaked the tree of my root
If you live for their acceptance, you'll die by their rejection

Sought by the bread of affliction
I'm concrete in my own pursuit
Enthralled with thoughts, habits, expressions of thine self

Infatuation fueled my permission
A fire of conviction, enticed by a bite of a core once rebuked
If you live for their acceptance, you'll die by their rejection

Idle in submission
Innocence lies on the bed of my tongue to taste its fruit
Enthralled with thoughts, habits, expressions of thine self

Caught beneath the lukewarm embrace of sweet lies within inner disputes
Agony dresses my soul as it peels off its linen in its pursuit
If you live for their acceptance, you'll die by their rejection
Enthralled with thoughts, habits, expressions of thine self

One day you made a choice
and felt that you'd done right
but now you fear
your eyes and ears
had twisted up the light.

Blinded now I see,
a timid child, the inner me.
I've crossed my roads
to come ashore
for more I wish I had,
more words and songs
to sing along
not memories I have.

I made a choice
I made it wrong
I'll sure be there again
long as I know
I shot for love
and think I made a friend.

So there's this girl
A small girl with tired eyes
She says she loves me
And I wish that I could believe her
That she was anything more than just
Water flowing through my hands
And when the bucket is empty
I'll still see her, and it won't be the same

So there's this woman
A stressed woman with worried eyes
She sees nothing more than the night before
She asks "Are you okay?"
And I tell her, "No, I'm not."
And we leave it at that.
And the next day
We do the same thing.

So there's this gun
A gifted gun with one beckoning eye
It is darker than anything I've ever stared at.
And when I look into it, I get scared.
Because I want to be whole again,
To feel the sun on my skin
To feel that hair in my face
To feel those lips on mine.
But the sun is killing me.
Because I can't be your sun.

So there's this note.
You don't have to read it
It doesn't have much merit.
I just thought about you
So I found my gift.
My wonderful god given gift.
To leave everyone I care about.
Because the sun gives you cancer.

drive through me leave me bare, abandon me poor

thrive not, heart don't be full
more dis-ease please, get me more out of my essence, moo
me out of my God Given Throne fool,
i belong in the zoo.
show me how bad you can beat me past what I threw
five pieces of glass, my crew
i broke my own heart because i can't stand myself, whew!

i'm now reflecting how best i like my heart, i drool
five pieces of my heart needing some glue.

hive oozing honey stained with poo
i don't know how to nurture my worth so i demand that from you
an impossible feat, i like you prefer a toxic hue.

live deep down, i want more ease and juiciness... but ooh,
that's too much work, i want it on a silver platter, boo!
jive to my disdain you fool,
remind me of my inadequacies like it's in, new
tell me everything wrong with me like i always knew
may my most authentic self never see the view,
die, noone wants to know you, eew!

Rejection

God of all motion
Show me how you're transforming anger
And let me take control