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Why do I not want to tell them?

...

The last time I told them about something that was so important to me was when I came out to them as nonbinary.
I thought they were at least slightly accepting, she had had a gay friend after all, and they had never shown any obvious transphobia.
(Its funny how, after I came out, the bigotry became a lot more prevalent).

And so, I went to my grandma's kitchen, sat on the floor, in a corner, and typed out
"I am nonbinary"
in our group chat.
My thumb hovered over send for what seemed like an eternity
until, finally,
I pressed send.
And then I started to cry.

They had texted back "okay" and "what does that mean" but I didn't respond. I couldn't respond.
When she picked me up a few hours later, we talked.
Well, she talked.

She told me how I'm just confused
and how theres only two genders giving me some ****** up biology lesson about it, using the terms "gender" and "***" interchangeably.
and how society had just manipulating me to be this way
and how it was a sin against God
and how I don't get a choice in this
and how I'm a
beautiful girl
and I didn't have to be insecure about it.

I was
broken
by these words.
I cried that night.
I cried
           and cried
because I realized that
they would never accept me.
They would never love me.

I think I
                attempted
to
                                  ­              **** myself
that night.

I don't remember, exactly
There were so many attempts that I just
can't remember
anymore.

...

Why do I not want to tell them?

Because
I'm scared.
I don't want to be ridiculed and criticized.
I don't want to break my own heart again.
I don't want to be rejected again.
I don't trust them anymore.

I don't want to tell them, because they lost my
trust.
That was one of the worst days of my life.

I have to tell my parents that I suspect I have asd to get assessed but I'm so scared to because they obviously hold stigma against neurodivergence as a whole and I just feel like it won't go down well.
Loke Houbo Nov 20
My boat is broken
So it's frozen still
My boat is broken
So it only floats
My boat is broken
So I only catch fish here

My bait is cheap
So I just toss a net
My bait is cheap
So I just toss a bet
My bait is cheap
So I just throw myself at them

My net is flawed
So I strangle my prey
My net is flawed
So I let every soul away
My net is flawed
So I never catch one bit

I shiver
As I'm starving

I shiver
As I'm a bad fisherman

I shiver
As I'm cowardice

I shiver
As I'm so very afraid

I shiver
As eyes meet my affection

I shiver
As I ask them in curiosity

I shiver
As I face their Rejection
A flaw in my person based on fear.
The fear of showing interest in people.
The fear of people seeing my curiousity in a person.
In other words my Crippling fear of Rejection.
Rirera Nov 18
she was my sun after a storm
my light in the endless darkness
i wish these words were mine
but i never dared to think about her

she played a piece only for me
written by her complex heart
i heard a symphony
it even surpassed chopin

this woman was a goddess
the most beautiful i have ever seen
she could have been mine
but i did not choose her

i couldn’t make it
say these three words of love
i stood there like a fool
on the edge of losing my tears

the most breaking thing in my life
was leaving her without a word
and the silence outside her small world
made me freeze like the coldest winter

it wasn’t her agony
which broke my heart
it was her confusion
as she called out my name
a poem about the story i am writing
AWURAA Nov 11
They come to me, streaming in drop by drop,
so I collect them all, trying to keep them whole,
comforting them with words I wish to hear,

Lacing my words with encouragement,
so others may see the best in me,
but what they see is a character of fictioniality,
a mask woven from gentle phrases,
stitched with threads of borrowed grace.

Yet beneath, a voice still echoes, softly,
of the solace I chase.

The breath of the almighty whispers, telling me to hold on,
giving me more to believe in.

I offer words like fragile offerings,
each a delicate vessel, wondering,
do they bear my truth or simply reflect my hopes?

In this intricate dance,
I stitch together fragments of dreams and fears,
crafting a tapestry that reveals and conceals
a symphony of whispered encouragement,
yet beneath it all, a quiet yearning lingers,
seeking the voice that truly understands.

The breath of the divine fills the spaces in between,
urging me onward, promising that even in silence,
I am profoundly heard.
Written by Asher & AWURAA.
I would like to say a big thank you to @Asher who gave me the first opportunity to work with a talented poet.
Inspired by the words of William Wordsworth.
Big brown eyes
With a smile that makes me want to die
So handsome, endearing, and full of lies.  
On the outside pretends to be the good guy,
I can see right through you,
Player
But has that romantic side too.
I lose all defences with this breakthrough
Like early spring morning dew.
The way you grasp my hand and never wanting to let go.
But nothing will change with the status quo.
I just want to meet you under a weeping willow
Say goodbye to the life we last known.
Together we could grow and glow,
If you have me but I know one things for sure.
I will never be your number one candidature,
Never be your safety net to make you feel secure.
I’ll just end things early and premature.
I wanted to make my mama happy
I wanted her to see me shine
But they took it all away
They took away my shine.

Just imagine being told
You were not picked because of how u speak
I guess she didn't say it that way
But it was the same message I received

It just wasn't  a good reason
Why I couldn't be at the top
Is it because I speak Creole
Or is it because you just never wanted to give me a chance

This caused conflict within
But there was nobody to listen
Because it's not like I had a voice
Where I could go and talk to the principal

Nobody really understood my dedication
Nobody really understood my pain
I guess  it would be a better reason
If she told me it was because they did 9 subjects
While I did only 8
at the same time everyone seemed to forget that I topped the grade

I was sitting in class one day
When I suddenly brought it up
I don't know if it was the pain talking
But I know I felt stuck

I looked at my teacher
And told him I had a question
He looked at me waiting until finally I asked
"Do you believe I wasn't chosen for valedictorian because of the way I sound?"

I remembered how he looked taken back
He didn't seem surprised
Maybe because he had experienced the unfairness in the school

I remember my classmates commenting
Wanting me to stand up
Who could understand my thoughts at that time
It wasn't the first time
And I guess this won't be the last

I remember my teacher calling me back
Tashena it's not your fault
He said
I never knew someone words could touch me so much
Because he put me to peace with my self

If Getting Rejected for Valedictorian Isn't bad enough
What should I experience in that school
For it to be judged as that


Maybe I'll never forget
This will follow me for life

I found myself many days asking why?
But I never got an answer
It was just another situation left unsolved

The important lesson I learned
Was that I was not alone
That there were persons I could count on
And depend on
Morgan Howard Oct 26
"Are you ok?"
I hear them ask
"Yeah"
I reply
My voice
Subconsciously growing higher pitched
So that I sound fine
So that I sound happy

But truth is
Most of the time I'm not ok
I hide my pain
I'm not too sure why
Usually I just don't feel like talking about it
Discussing hard topics

I want help
I need help
Yet I always reject it

It's funny how rejection works
It hurt me so badly
When it came from someone else
And yet I reject all the time
And once again I'm the one that's hurt
Because I lie
Over and over again
"I'm fine"

But I know I'm not fine
I wonder if other people know too
If they just pretend to believe me
Or maybe I'm such a good actress
That no one can tell

I want help
I need help
I know I need help
It's not normal to be contemplating death
And yet I can't find it in me to tell someone
I feel so depressed
That I don't feel like talking
To anyone

Maybe one day
I'll find it in me to tell the truth

"Are you ok?"

"No"
fifi sun Sep 28
pain comes in waves
washing over you
crashing onto you
pounding onto you
the cuts in your heart
bleed
as they burn
and
sting
as the salt sinks into
the cuts
rejection comes so often that
it seems almost
natural
it keeps on
repeating
repeating
repeat
ing.
why is it always me?
You never said what made you heart react
That one time
When you heart reacted to that video
The video on Instagram?
You didn't interact with anything I sent for
Maybe twenty videos, y'know
I know - I send too much
But finally I got one right
I wanna get it right again
With zero context pretty much
You'll get a lot of
Like just lots of
Tons of really
Martial arts reels - exhibitions
And jokes like that one
You know the one
You double tapped it
Pull it up
In your activity
Your likes
It's really funny
But not -
No I saw that too, but it's -
No, I think -
Maybe? Wait -
No, you should check your messages
Impatiently
Your messages, uh-huh
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