Flowers in her
Hair,
She dances in the
Rain,
A Princess of
Destruction,
Mud in her
veins.

Her time is running out,
She's running into brick.
If we don't help her soon,
Our young Princess
Might just
Slip.

Hello sawdust.
     I’m back.
Scent of sap,
     taste of tannin,
          tickle of fine grit,
after rehab pain,
     through every portal
          you awaken my brain.

Powder of sun ray,
powder of fog’s drip,
powder of soil ******
     through roots to the sky,
hot breath of the forest
     you complete my healing.
Such a feeling!

Sing to me the rhythm of craft.
Guide my fingers, the work will flow.
Sing, sawdust.
Hello!

Vulnerability finally found its voice
I’m feeling fear
Willing and hopeful
Healings’ less frightening
When free to be vocal

Mindfulness and meditation
Unexpected belonging after years of isolation
Looking up at the same dark sky
Trying to interpret fading constellations

Realizing there’s more to us than just a rainbow of medications
And no matter one’s diagnosis
We all long to stay present and focused
And crawl out of the darkness for good
Because vulnerability finally found a voice

I wish I had asked you to stop
Like mommy said I should
you were drinking a lot
if I could go back I would
I was 7 years old and didn’t see you enough
you wanted me to visit and you would buy me stuff

I was far too scared
to go over there
because mom told me it all
the drugs, drinks, and cheating
your downfall
and I’m still giving myself a beating
that I hardly saw you at all

I wish I hadn’t been so scared
I wish that I had been there
before you were gone for life
it just wasn’t right
of me to fear you
why wasn’t I near you?

and I’ll never forget when you were in rehab
it was Christmas, but overall sad
little did I know
you’d be gone 2 months from that time
little did I know
I’d be forever saying good bye
I remember your parents came by
and you bought me the doll I had asked for
I should have tried
to thank you more

we visited you in rehab
and I can’t remember why, but mom got mad
sitting at a circular table on green carpeted floor
we left as you tried to get the door
and you just wanted us to stay
and visit for the Christmas day
but mom took us away

and on from then
things rushed to the end
you got out of rehab
but didn’t get better
I wish that I had
encouraged you to get better

but I still stayed away
and I’ll never forget the day
neither my brother or I
wanted to stay
mom took us off and we said bye
and then I saw you really cry
and that’s never left me
because it was so hard to see

then 3 days before your death
I hadn’t seen you for a while
you looked like a mess
but mustered a smile
and you gave me a small stuffed bear with a big red heart
from valentines day
I guess I wasn’t smart
to not realize you would slip away
but we went to dinner one last time
I said goodbye hoping everything was fine

and then you gave mom a call
had written her a big check
like you knew this all
that you were dying a wreck

and when I heard the news
I had a friend over
and I didn’t believe it was true
because how could your life be over
daddy, I needed you
but you died in a hotel room
death drug induced
an early dark morning on a Tuesday
like the counting crows song where they say,
*“ It’s 4:30 A.M. on a Tuesday. It doesn’t get much worse than this in beds in little rooms in buildings in the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless. Help me stay awake, I’m falling ”

it will take forever
for me to get better
to get my life
back together

But this fast life
and these long lines
white lines
shine bright in the dark nights

hollow friendships
only smiling
when the drugs hit the system
when they're gone
everyone gets distant

fake love and fake caring
real drugs that we love sharing
inhale fabricated happiness
exhale all the hurt of yesterday

what your heart can't take,
darling
Your liver will
wait for jack
wait for the snow in July.