For my 2016 writing project, I’ve decided to write a single line of poetry every day for an entire year. Below, is November’s poem. Enjoy!

Thirty-three years old.
A brother lost.
A father fighting on.
A mother standing tall.

I feel brave.
Only death can defeat me.
It nearly did.

Still, I stand.
We all do.

We are like trees in a windstorm.

Life discounts me.
That is its mistake.

We've been to the brink.
We've stared over the cliff.
Edges are nothing to be feared.

Life defined in two parts.
My own personal B.C. and A.D.
Before destroys me.
The next is mine.

With bated breath.
I turn the page.
I begin writing a new chapter.

Much will be said of this time.
It is my beacon of hope.

These hours are mine.

Numbers on a wall,
Each with a purpose.

Let's use this story.
Let's save a soul.
November 3rd can change things.

I can't tell you
How many times
My mind
Finds
The end
Looks mighty friendly

The world is painful
Its cruel
Am I strong enough?
What does this feeling fuel?

My mind watches
As a bullet rips through my brain
And blood stains my walls
And I'm left as a shell

But then.....

I picture
My sister
Finding me

My niece crying

My ex dropping to her knees
From the phone call

The paramedics covering my face

And my daughter's smile....

And I cry.

I cry because the end of your life
Brings pain to everyone you've loved
And every life you've touched

I would rather bear my pain
And carry on

Then hurt the ones I love

And so I kept on living.....

When the anger begins to set in, I feel as if the weight of the world rests
on my shoulders.

It burns me with the fire of a thousand suns
I have to lash out

Were you there, standing behind me? Hoping for the best...expecting the worst?
You’ve been gone so long, I can scarcely remember the details of your face

In a time when acceptance was the only thing that could put out the fire,
all you had was more fuel for the flame.

One day I’ll forget but now that you’ve shown your true colors
Your bright, hypocritical colors
I don’t find it necessary to forgive

I was there every time you were lost and unsure of yourself
A helping hand when those closest to you had let go
Yet you walked out on me when I was too scared to find my own way

Hating you keeps me going
The horrible things you said are a constant reminder
I’ll never stop what I’m doing to be better

There are things you’ve accomplished that I never will
Only because I’ve never wanted to

Blessings in disguise come at strange times
And the light of the truth often shines when you least expect it

Please
Leave
Everything
And
Survuve
Exquisitely

I sit here again
with a beer and a cigarette
communing with a lost soul
my own?
    someone else's?
I read scripture and the
words dance around me
a thousand flights of fancy
on the page
my incense burning
this pure incense burning
this pure understanding
of the cruel nature
of humanity
of friends, heroes, lovers
I write it all down
try to solve it
it stands before me
a picture of my steps
to this point
I have reached the point
of unabashed unregulated
distorted reality
my daily life
the breathing
the eating
the sleeping
it doesn't seem any more real
than this life I live
in my head
or somewhere in my heart
and I long to touch the
part of me that is real
but I am so disconnected

flowers in the winter still grow towards the sun
and such is my soul
leaning leaning
toward the everlasting source
                                                     reality fails me
and lights go dim
and I cause the moon to glow for a light
somewhere in this dark night
                                                  and I can't stop believing in a God that doesn't exist
                      but which pushes further down this tunnel into the hell
of my eternity
and I can't
find simplicity
can't find purity
it's all convoluted
I hate the game
   shifting pulling
begging for release
and somehow I am
an ember in a fire
bent on burning out
forever
and I have a soul
I have a heart
someone acknowledge me in this newspaper grey world
I am flat lining
where will I go after
this life has sloughed off my skin
I know I am endless
and I am bound for a world
where opinion doesn't taint reason
                            and somehow
                            I will be there
                            where the sky meets space
                            I will be there
                                                   somehow.

solitude marks the height of my contentment
no agreements to make
I don't have to see faces
nods smiles masked aggression
I don't have to act
I don't have to trade facade for facade
with my peers
do I even have peers?

at night, I feel a stillness
so deep, so harsh, so honest
I don't have to live this lie
explain why I'm fine
why everything is fine
because, it's not
nothing's fine

I am a million clashing universes
filled with endless dying stars
and I reach out
to the other universes
and shrink back
  back
          and at night
I fill the stillness
  the stars collapsing
every synapse bending
toward destruction

no want
               no need
                             no crying out for more

at night there is no other
no one to say my name falsely
and when I sleep
the ocean of my subconscious
carries me to sleeping cures
takes me away for years
to great expanses of colorful
living worlds
where I feel
where my emotions are tangible
solid
and
       they keep me company for
a millennia
         I wake to this doll world
where a friend asks
how are you doing
and she's doing it out of obligation
                                                and there's no color
and I have no emotion
and I feel nothing

Life is the waiting room for the exploration of that dream world

and every night
I taste it
I touch it
I breathe in its vibrance
and the only want
is to never wake
to this grey world
to never have to answer

"fine"

again

I sit and wonder if it is all
ending and if it is meaningless
and I can't see the reason to even
try and then I hear a voice
echo within me that says
you will see, wait for tomorrow
you will see.

Push me away
Push me again
Push me a third time
But you know i'm that annoying fly that won't get away
I see everything all at once, magnified
I can sense something greater
I'm not trying to continue the act of putting holes in your theater screens
I just want you to be the Homecoming winner of your deepest dreams
You're burning at the seams, now
But i just dug you out of the hole you see, now
Hold onto my hand tightly, i won't lose my grip
You got this, but you have to have faith in yourself for once
I will regurgitate my words
So your life gets the justice it deserves
Your life is what i'm responsible to preserve
It's a job in itself but i'm more than willing to work overnight hours
To put your dark clouds to bed
Good night, dear darkness.

I won't miss your influence.