Where am I?
Who are you?
This place is familiar
Yet unfamiliar at the same time

My body acts differently
The words I say are not mine
Who is controlling me?
This is not who I am

The walls are closing in
And I can’t breathe
I am not in control
I am no longer me.

I used to be able to smile
I used to be able to keep secrets
All for everyone’s sake
They don’t need to worry

I shrug them off when they worry
I give them a bright smile when they talk
I show them the positive side
Even if I’m dying to die

When they’re all gone, I’m different
The smile fades, the brightness gone
What once was a bubbly, cheerful girl
Is now a soulless robot crying itself to sleep.

In the darkness of the night, I ponder
Remembering the insults and faults
But what strikes me as an oddity
Is the numbness taking over

In these times it’s a wonder
That they see me as cheerful
Never knowing how I really am
Dark, evil and cruel is my alternate

In the terrors of my abyss
I sat waiting patiently
For the time to get up and smile
And lie to the world once again.

I’m sorry if I’m affectionate
I think you’ve misinterpreted
Didn’t mean to lead you on
But then again you don’t care

Don’t know why I do it
I don’t yearn for you
I’m just stuck
Between myself and others

They want us to happen
As if we’re a cool show
I’m not that into you
As you are too

But I don’t know
If I’m telling the truth
My brain says “You love him”
My heart says “You don’t”

They've switched roles
All because of you
And you couldn't care less
About how I feel

But genuinely, I’m scared
I don’t want to fall for you
The evidence speaks it
But my emotions are tired

It’s hard to like a mere figment
It’s hard to like you
Your ******* ways are disturbing
And you’re childish, well that’s worse

You act a certain way with me
But I see that with other girls
You constantly approach me
But I shrug it off

Maybe you’re annoyed
Even ****** at me
But I can’t do anything
I’m scared to show it

Unless you confess
Everything would be the same
We would just be friends
And nothing more

I forgot to mention, one other thing
The feelings I have for you
May be fake
For I like another guy
Other than you.

I try to stop and wonder why
Am I numb now?
Tears start to fall
Never wanting to stop

Just a minute ago
I was laughing
Now I’m depressed
Suicidal thoughts arise

How can I've been happy?
Then so upset in a blink of an eye
I remember their faces
And I feel nothing for them

Everything’s a distant memory
My own nightmares taking over
I try to find something joyful
All I found was even more terror

How can I tell the people who love
That when night comes
I’m no longer myself
Just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
I’m a monster that does not feel
Alone and cold, immune to everything
What happened to me?
I want it to stop

But whenever I try to stop
Someone else barges in
I don’t know who it is
But they’re taking over

I try to control myself
Hoping to win the battle in my head
Whether I win or lose
I’m no longer the same

I've changed but not for the better
All the things I've pushed away
Have resurfaced and formed
Now it has personified into my nightmares

Gladly, it only happens at night
But it talks to me during the day
I push back the negativity
Or else it’ll swallow me whole

Who knew it would be like this
I didn't, but that’s what I get
I can never be truly happy
I’ve accepted this much

I’ll face the world with my burdens
Give everyone a smile
I’ll lie my way to my death
Knowing that no one knows the monster inside.

Sitting here trying to make small talk, I'm going insane, we're all insane.
Broken topics over chips and salsa, god its so bizarre, I don't understand how "normal" we all are.
I keep my mouth semi-full so I'm unable to speak, I can't stand myself, ****, why am I so weak?
Why does this bother me so? It's like no one even knows,
the truth,
be told it's a mess, I can't stand too much more of this, someone relieve me from this **** before it makes me sick..
All the underlying problems...drink to numb the pain but those same drinks taketh life away.
And I don't mean with death, for life still moves on, but it's broken into pieces and it's better off gone.
Cause one needs it to stay strong and the other knows that lifestyle is wrong:
Substances don't bring you happiness, they don't fix your pain, they ruin relationships and families all the same.
But we sat and we talked, topics in no particular range, and what hurts is seeing how things both have and haven't changed.
The connection is there, but the love has departed; neither hope nor intention to go back and restart it.
And now we're driving away and nothing is said, no mention of the insanity that hides in my head,
No acknowledgement to the tears I watch my own mom fight back..similar to the sick truth the whole situation lacked.

Poetry is the altruistic apogee of the individualistic emotional egoist.

The lack of feeling, and the lack of empathy,
the petty attempt to hide them with creativity.

It’s truly astonishing how we can fool ourselves into thinking we’re kind
When we’re just wasting our time, pretending to see when we’re blind.

How could we ever emulate our chemical imbalances on one another?
The only way to do it is the kindly overrated feeling of love and affection.
And why would we need words, if we’re sure about our love for each other?
Oh, we’re puzzled to believe that our puny poetry represents felt perfection.

Yet we just walk through the valleys of lyricism,
Lost in our own wishes for joy or demise
And yet we become shadows of perfectionism
Filled with the detachment we criticize.

Our representation is our perdition
We've lost ourselves in our own mission.