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Kiah Griffin Feb 2015
I'm not good at being alone.
It makes lungs feel
shaky,
ribcage achy.
next breath.
exhale.

Don't choke me when you know I'm not well.

Acquainted with this feeling.
It feels like your not
breathing,
I can't help but hear
screaming,
Suddenly I start
heaving.

k.g.
Cheyenne W Nov 2014
this winter will be not be easy
it’s only 35 degrees
and i can’t even make the trip out to my car
the cold air tastes like regret
and it freezes in my lungs and
i’m having trouble breathing
i’m having trouble breathing
and all i’m seeing is black and all i’m hearing
is laughter that’s not my own
and i’ve been home now for hours and i still feel the chill in my bones
i will never be warm
i will never be warm
dev Nov 2014
These memories are like wounds,
and even though they are old they still feel fresh.
You never said you were sorry,
you never stitched up my gashes,
so every time I am reminded of them,
they start to bleed again.

In flashes I watch them, the memories,
like old-time movies on cinema screens,
in black and white, so monochrome,
the least my mind can do,
at least spare me from the colorful detail.

I am trapped in that theater,
forced to watch through ocean waves,
until a boy comes with a golden key to unlock the doors.

His smile comforts me,
covers up my cuts like bandages.
His voice, my morphine,
makes the pain fade.
But like every medication, the relief wears off,
the boy disappears,
and I am alone again.

Left to wonder when the delicate dressings will rip,
and when the blood will pour down my chest,
infinitely.
cr Nov 2014
in the beginning of my first
year of high school, i was
the girl with messy hair
who tried to off herself
in summer's past, the one
with tired eyes who skipped
lunch despite empty stomachs
feeling heavier, the freshman
with open wounds grazing
the veins in her arms who
sprinted out of classrooms
due to the sporadic nature
of panic attacks.

i'd like to say that i've
transitioned out of the cocoon
of panic disorders and ptsd and
depression, but somehow,
the butterfly wings haven't grown in yet.
Sammie Oct 2014
I know this, I know this, I know this, I don't, I do.
I understand how to find the
acceleration of a runner when
given the change in time but
I don't know what that runner would
rather be doing, who they'd rather
be with,
if anyone.
I don't know who I'd rather be with,
if anyone.
I am learning, I have learned.
I am smart by the books,
by the state, by the curriculum,
but I don't how how I will go on
when everyone I love is dead, or
if I will cry tonight.
I know that distance times time is
speed but I don't know when I will
run out of it.
Time.
Time.
Time.
Time is irrelevant.
Focus in class,
do as you're asked and
be like the rest.
Don't forget to brush your teeth
and don't forget to stay asleep and
don't forget to forget to think because
when you think, you know
and when you know you're not
following.
Follow.
Follow.
Follow.
Sleep.
Made this last school year in physical science while I was having a panic attack. I write best then, and it calms me down.
cr Sep 2014
it's a friday night and i am sat at the top of the bleachers with three packs of maltesers i told the cashier were for my friends with a blurry grin and the hot chocolate in my hands lied. it's lukewarm and tastes of milk, not sweets, and the taste of it still taints my lips because i'm forcing myself to drink it anyways. the stars are yellow set against navy hues and they're blinking down at me.

there's announcers shouting something about the game occurring on the field but i'm not listening, never listening, never apathetic or empathic enough to want to. the music blares, cheers roar, announcers boom, the scoreboard flashes-  it's cold enough to be huddled beneath blankets but i've only got a sweatshirt hiding my hands, hiding my fingers, hiding me. my ribs shiver and the ghosts in the spaces between them gather closer for a warmth that won't come. the moon says hello to me and i struggle to catch enough air to say it back.

my friends are nowhere to be found and i can't feel my fingertips and the flavor of lukewarm hot chocolate leaves me and i'm closing my eyes, shutting them tight, disconnecting.

there's suddenly no one here, just me and the blackness behind my eyelids. it's like i'm watching humans but never being one of them. maybe i'm meant to be an alien- maybe that one star blinking at me is a planet welcoming me home- maybe if i lay my lungs to rest they'll leave me be.

i can feel my heart giving up on me.
emptiness does things to me
Josh Bass Sep 2014
A panic attack has a way of creeping up on you
At the start of one, you always think to yourself
"No this can't be happening"
Much like the feeling you get before you
Throw Up
The heat comes on so strong and forceful
Your internal fire, dead set on burning you
from the core out
You hadn't noticed because your knees just buckled
and you went numb
The tremors
you feel them in your fingers
To your shoulders
To your tounge
Hyperventilating
The extra oxygen
Feeds the flames

Once,
With the help from a Brittle Lake
I was able to prevent this state

Seven bucks to rent a kayak
I sliced into the lake
I paddled and paddled and paddled
My arms were introduced to a new kind of fire
A blue cleansing flame
Take a break and drift
Listen
Breath
Lament
Paddle
Feel the warmth of the sun on your face
Paddling again, now it's the breeze and spray
A smile creeped upon my face
At Lake Brittle I was able to keep the panic at bay
Adia Heart Aug 2014
Mum
I have a panic attack.
You tell me to stop acting crazy.
But
I
can't
stop
gasp
ing
for breath
So I just stop breathing.
I'm not doing this on purpose, you know.
r0b0t Jul 2014
Try
Don't make me go home
don't
please
I'm scared
I'm so scared
what if she's mad
what if she hates me
don't make me go home
I
I tried
I'm sorry
I tried so hard
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
Don't ******* home
I want
to ride
the train
I had a panic attack last night and wrote this.
snow queen Jun 2014
when did i become
a ticking time bomb
ready to expload
at any given time
how did anxiety
make me this fragile
im scared
                    one day
im going to not be able
to put back together
after an explosian.               (s.q)
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