I know this, I know this, I know this, I don't, I do.
I understand how to find the
acceleration of a runner when
given the change in time but
I don't know what that runner would
rather be doing, who they'd rather
be with,
if anyone.
I don't know who I'd rather be with,
if anyone.
I am learning, I have learned.
I am smart by the books,
by the state, by the curriculum,
but I don't how how I will go on
when everyone I love is dead, or
if I will cry tonight.
I know that distance times time is
speed but I don't know when I will
run out of it.
Time.
Time.
Time.
Time is irrelevant.
Focus in class,
do as you're asked and
be like the rest.
Don't forget to brush your teeth
and don't forget to stay asleep and
don't forget to forget to think because
when you think, you know
and when you know you're not
following.
Follow.
Follow.
Follow.
Sleep.

it's a friday night and i am sat at the top of the bleachers with three packs of maltesers i told the cashier were for my friends with a blurry grin and the hot chocolate in my hands lied. it's lukewarm and tastes of milk, not sweets, and the taste of it still taints my lips because i'm forcing myself to drink it anyways. the stars are yellow set against navy hues and they're blinking down at me.

there's announcers shouting something about the game occurring on the field but i'm not listening, never listening, never apathetic or empathic enough to want to. the music blares, cheers roar, announcers boom, the scoreboard flashes-  it's cold enough to be huddled beneath blankets but i've only got a sweatshirt hiding my hands, hiding my fingers, hiding me. my ribs shiver and the ghosts in the spaces between them gather closer for a warmth that won't come. the moon says hello to me and i struggle to catch enough air to say it back.

my friends are nowhere to be found and i can't feel my fingertips and the flavor of lukewarm hot chocolate leaves me and i'm closing my eyes, shutting them tight, disconnecting.

there's suddenly no one here, just me and the blackness behind my eyelids. it's like i'm watching humans but never being one of them. maybe i'm meant to be an alien- maybe that one star blinking at me is a planet welcoming me home- maybe if i lay my lungs to rest they'll leave me be.

i can feel my heart giving up on me.

A panic attack has a way of creeping up on you
At the start of one, you always think to yourself
"No this can't be happening"
Much like the feeling you get before you
Throw Up
The heat comes on so strong and forceful
Your internal fire, dead set on burning you
from the core out
You hadn't noticed because your knees just buckled
and you went numb
The tremors
you feel them in your fingers
To your shoulders
To your tounge
Hyperventilating
The extra oxygen
Feeds the flames

Once,
With the help from a Brittle Lake
I was able to prevent this state

Seven bucks to rent a kayak
I sliced into the lake
I paddled and paddled and paddled
My arms were introduced to a new kind of fire
A blue cleansing flame
Take a break and drift
Listen
Breath
Lament
Paddle
Feel the warmth of the sun on your face
Paddling again, now it's the breeze and spray
A smile creeped upon my face
At Lake Brittle I was able to keep the panic at bay

Don't make me go home
don't
please
I'm scared
I'm so scared
what if she's mad
what if she hates me
don't make me go home
I
I tried
I'm sorry
I tried so hard
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
Don't ******* home
I want
to ride
the train

when did i become
a ticking time bomb
ready to expload
at any given time
how did anxiety
make me this fragile
im scared
                    one day
im going to not be able
to put back together
after an explosian.               (s.q)

Sitting alone swaying back and forth hyperventilating, drowning in failure and gasping for acheivement

The first time it happened
I took 8 hits
From my girl friend's bowl
I felt nauseous
I stood up
Time froze
My brain and body
Did not match
Slow slow slow
My heart pounding out of my chest
I felt my sweaty palms
"I'm dead" I kept telling myself
Nothing felt real
"Calm down. You're fine" They laughed
They didn't understand
I was dying
In my mind