My mind keeps forgetting
how to breathe right
For while others air go
In and out
out and in
In a simple function of normality
Mine falters a lot of the time

Turns my voice into wheezing gasps
The dead could speak better than I
My lungs squish into a tiny box
In the center of my chest
Causing a volcanic eruption of pain

It is a very similar feeling to my heart
Which thumps and clamors
At a speed unknown to humanity
The pace of a jackrabbit heart
whose cotton little tail's on fire
Until it simply feels like it
**pops

When I was 7
I was watching Seinfeld with my dad
I asked him where they were
And he answered
New York
The city seemed so huge

When I was 17
I had my first panic attack
I was always watching *** and the city to calm down
New York
seemed huge
and that made me feel less claustrophobic

When I was 27
I went to
New york
The expectations were high
I was so surprised
when I felt suffocated
Cause it didn't seem huge anymore

What do you do when New York feels small?

fall out boy is always
in season
rain or shine
sweat or tears

i honestly get
tired of having
problems but
doesn't everyone?

i'm escaping
stumbling into some
false reality on the other
side of my mind's eye

sometimes i get to thinking
about alcohol and
cigarettes and i get scared
for who i'll turn into someday

and sometimes
when i can't sleep i play
what a catch donnie
on repeat until i cry

"said i'll be fine
til the hospital or
american embassy"
gets me every time

leaves an actual pain
in my stomach
the ache of something
i want more than anything

to die
or leave
to no longer be
choked

convulsing on the
scratched wooden floor
legs twitching and
forehead sweating

i can't breathe
and it's not just
the humidity
it's the thoughts

it's the scars that are
too new to talk about
and the ones
too old to care about

eyelashes are
scraping irises
hands are
always sticky

how pain
is normalized
and anxiety
just happens.

the song is over
play it again
shuffle and repeat
until sleep

i should have stayed home
i always should stay home
but i don't like
home anymore

i never did like home
and it's mostly because of
who i find there
when i'm all alone.

at three a.m.
your breath should be
rounded
rising and falling
peacefully
calmly

like waves on a
smooth beach
but now everything
has fragmented
pixilated and
deconstructed.

your breath is being
dragged through your
lungs in triangles
half shapes without
softly curved edges or
serenity of form

gasps of air so
sharp they could
slit your own
dry throat
from the
inside.

and tears
so cold you
wonder if they're
shards of glass.

please
the next time
your body
becomes a vandal
against the windowpanes
of your mind

please
oh please
remember that
deteriorating
stained glass
can be taken down
from rose windows
by a master artist
and restored
pane by pane
each inch of leading
one at a time.

but repairing
is a process
and a process
takes time.

a discomfort
radiating
upwards from the
***** of my feet
up my calves and
through the muscles
i try to keep
from twitching.

some nights i could
wash my hands
twenty times
and still feel
sweaty and
hopeless.

i could give up
sometimes
i know where the
blind curves are
and the tallest trees
in the woods
and i know how
much it hurts
behind my spine and
inside my rib cage.

i can't
breathe
i can't
breathe

and maybe giving up
would hurt less than
trying to hold myself
steady and trying

and

and

thoughts keep getting
cut off in the middle

i can't
breathe
i can't
breathe

i've had dark
nights and
slightly lighter
nights and
quiet damp
nights and
buzzing summer
nights and
throbbing multicolored
nights and
nights so deathly silent
i questioned my own sanity

and some nights
where i wanted
to just
give up

nights
nights
all of them were
nights.

i can't
breathe
i can't
breathe

i would run away
from my problems
if there wasn't this
discomfort
in the ***** of my feet
radiating upwards

and also
if i could breathe

*but i
can't
*******
breathe

i swear
it was the longest night
of my life
and i've had a lot of long nights

i'm trying to forget
i'm trying to
i'm trying to
i'm try
i'm try
i'm
i'm
i'm

choking
suffocating
under favorite
blankets
and blanketing
thoughts

blank
mind goes
blank
free of everything
but panic
and wondering
where
my next
breath is
coming from

the last time
this blanket helped
but the last time
wasn't this bad

the walls i've stared at
for so long
have never looked
this way before

i'm trying to forget
trying to forget
i'm trying
trying
i'm
i'm
i'm
i'm

gasping
for air
but too tired
to bother

you held my hand
and promised
it would stop
i don't know
if it would have
if you hadn't said so

and when the storm
ended
you asked if i wanted
to talk about it

and i did
i swear
i wanted to
but i just couldn't
make the words
happen

i'd take you up
on that offer
the next time i happen
to be able to form a
coherent thought
outside of a poem

(which means
i'll probably
never
get around to it)

and you said not to
think about it too much
i believe you
i know you know
what you're
talking about

so i'm trying to forget
trying to
so i'm
forget
forget
forget
trying
trying
i'm try
i'm

remembering
every single
**** reason why
but all i want
is for it to
all go away.

release your fingernails
from the
firmly indented
crescent moons in your
clammy palms

breathe in
through your nose
counting to seven
exhale out
through your mouth
counting to eleven
and feel yourself
inflate and deflate
as if you were some kind
of misused balloon

take down
one of the
coat hangers that
you have strung
along your
rib cage

and clothe
yourself in the
musty disguise of
who you had
forgotten you
ever were

struggle
against the tickling
feeling in the
back of your mind
that nobody really
wants you

nobody
really
wants
you

throw it to the ground
and stomp on it
as it squirms
under the worn-off
rubber tread of your
sneakers

nobody
really
wants
you

scream at it
until your own
ears make a distinctive
popping sound

nobody
really
wants
you

the darkness
is closing in
one more day
is one too many

nobody
really
wants
you

nobody
really
wants
you

bre­athe in
through your nose
counting to seven
exhale out
through your mouth
counting to eleven
and feel yourself
inflate and deflate
as if you were a balloon
and this were your last day

give yourself
until
september

september

september

*nobody
rea­lly
wants
you

i freaked out
last night.

blind spots
ripped blue
jeans sleep
deprivation.

and i freaked out
last night.

crying
i cried like
the sky was
falling.

maybe the sky
was falling.

hang these
powerpoints
from the tallest
tower
and come
sunday morning
we will
parade their
pixalated carcasses
through the streets.

but i'm not
leaving.

i freaked out
last night.

my palpitating
thoughts
my phone keeps
buzzing
like i have some
kind of
responsibility to
the sneaky sneaky
women on the other
side of my texts.

not when i freaked out
last night.



Copyright 12/6/15 by B. E. McComb

Mum
why won't you listen?
when I say I had a panic attack
you say 'don't be stupid, just because your friend gets them doesn't mean you do'
I can't help it, I close my mind off and denied the fact this happens because you think it's a choice
but I have one question why the **** would you want to feel like you're going to pass out or not be able to breathe? And what person would pretend this happened?
So I had a panic attack
you say 'stop being stupid'
I can't talk to you without you thinking I'm acting or you being ignorant to the point where I feel like I'm worthless and you don't care.