I don't want to be that girl
the one in the way
or the one who cries from the pain.
The girl that they look at and see needy.
I'm not that girl who needs people,
but every once in a while I need a friend.
Someone to be there as a shoulder to cry on
or to give me a hug on the few times I need one.
I don't want to be looked after
and I don't want someone always there.
I want to be alone to write
to draw
to cry
or to bury myself in my music.
I need them there during the hard times
the times I break and melt down.
When the pain gets overwhelming
and theres nothing I can do.
Just as I know that, that's when they need me.
I'm there for the hard times
for their melt downs
and overwhelming pain.
Yet, when I need them
they are no where to be found.
It hurts to know they don't see friendship
the same as me.
"Friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient,
it's about being there when it's not."
I guess a true friend is hard to find.

Fog fog fog
Smog smog smog
Am I polluting? Polluter? Polluted?
Same ol' air
Through these lips
To barely ease this choking.
Ragged breath gone stale.

I tried not to let it escape:
Curiosity's hound was too tempting.
It raged in my self built fortress.
So then I was hunting, hunter? Hunted?
But I was dragged after that same scent
Deep in ocean's depth
Thinking only of the shallows.
Hoping for only the shallows.

I'm just trying to unravel
The knots and ties.
Sometimes we need another
To bounce off,
We think.
Sometimes another
Is *another.
Sometimes that's too much.

I wind myself up over, over, over.
Still learning the ropes of this world
But it's a new world.
Yes, and I am an old soul and stuck in other times.
It keeps turning; new world, new world, new...
I'm more than a few turns behind,
Grabbing for the rope
Tied to fisherman's belt.
It dangles after,
Just. Evading. My grasp.

I'm overwhelmed
With the sky and the trees and my house and my family.
But on top of all that I'm overwhelmed inside myself.
I don't know if you can grasp that.
Its similar to having a blender going on in your head all the time.
I can't think straight.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
My mom thinks I'm sick.
I'm actually just overwhelmed.

Cosy, curled up inside
Overwhelmed - and ignorance was bliss
My brain muffled with cotton wool.
(This is how you found me)
When the edges inclined inwards it was worse.
I could feel it in its entirety then.
I'm trying to work through;
Let it ebb away ~
There is a sadness deep in my core,
Always.
Surely someday I will hollow out?

Leave me again
Where you left me the last time
I’m eager to feel something familiar
This temporary high I get from you
Is bound to end
The familiar feeling of being lost
Will be more than comforting

It's far too overwhelming for me to be so open
To place my whole heart
My whole being
Inside the palms of another human

You see the light at the end of the tunnel
But we keep pulling it away
You will have to live though your fears
Every single day

I put my feelings in a box
I scatter them across the page

I order them and categorize
Like I used to order stationary
Or split the peas from the carrots
Right before consuming

I try to defrag my brain
Stack the boxes all nice and tidy

But with the filling of each box
Is the finding of more feelings
Littered across the ground
Or, like dust, floating

Hidden cracks and corners:
My mind is a maze
Of feeling, thought, unexplored opinion
Unscrambling is eternal.

I'm going crazy
Because I was thinking
That just maybe
You could change
I been complaining
Contemplating
How I could get away
But
I'm still here like I must stay
You are leeching at my air supply
Tugging at my voice box
And I know it's because of your age
The insecurities won't cease
That was the beginning end of my defeat
And my energy is depleted
So I through my hands up in defeat
Ha ha
You win
Only it isn't funny
When
You have someone who will chastise and never defend
All the while I've been
Bowing down
Excusing myself
Apologizing for stuff
All the way backwards I've bent
Just to see that snide grin
That awful smirk when you're saying I'm sorry
over
and over
and over again
No more excuses
No more I'm sorry
Because apparently we are all sorry and no one has the ***** enough to apologize and follow up with real change
I can't be the twenty something year old mom who looks three times her age
From the stress and the lies and the promises you've made
I need more
I want more
I
Deserve
More
But I am too tired from waiting all these years to continue to hold on
There is not hope here
We are the dry season that bears no new fruit
We are the plague that destroys all things in its path
And I don't want to be a part of the storm that's brewing with you
Just give me a chance to age gracefully
But with someone who won't take all my joy away from me