I see everything.
And yet,
I still feel blind.

overthinking is seeing
rainbows in the dark
you're fast asleep
and I still think you're judging me

You’ve been warned, of the silence..
Always dreaming of tomorrow,
Everyday I love you more ,
It’s so beautiful and bright ,
Perhaps my dream came true,
He captured my heart , With his smile
But the world is cold
I miss your voice everyday,
Refresh a story , to start a victory ,
But stories always come with a twist,
But reality is I might be the one who fell in love,
I know he’ll never love back.
I know I should just move on,
But I can’t get you out of my mind.
Maybe I’m just sick and suffering for my stupidity?
Maybe one day you’ll find this?
And read it and think **** this is about me without feeding your ego.
But maybe it’s just me overthinking every situation,
Because I’ve always felt not wanted.
But thanks to you I know how it felt to actually be in love with somebody. Even if that love was one sided.

these same negative thoughts are on an endless loop in my head,
not constant, but nearly,
any hint of sarcasm or negative comments about me begin the whole process of self-destruction and hatred in my head.
when i get out of the loop, i just feel tired and numb,
like i just got done with a fist fight and came away with a few bruises and cuts on my face and fists.
i believe in a God who heals, but its hard to hold on to hope and to see the good in myself when I feel like a constant burden due to these fistfights in my mind.
any positive affirmation feels like a bandaid put on my deep cuts and bruises, somewhat helpful but they can't fix the damage already done.

sometimes i wonder if he loves me more than i love him,
if he loves me more than he ought for who i am,
and yet in other moments i think he doesn't enough,
that he doesn't truly care at all.

i thought these doubting and overthinking thoughts would be gone by now, over a year into our relationship and engaged,
yet, my brain persists to doubt.

i remember the days when i'd spend hours painting, journalling, just enjoying being alone,
and now...i'm afraid of the thoughts that may enter my head during those spaces.
constant spirals of reminders of all that is or could be broken inside of me.
i'm told of god's grace and love,
and i know these truths,
but to truly believe is completely different.
how do i stop striving to make myself holy?
lovable?
good enough?
why can't it just be a simple switch one can turn on and off?
it's a whole new rewiring of neurons and thought patterns.
where do i even begin to change?
it seems so daunting and overwhelming

I need a breather,
for I have set a timer,
in each fraction of my life

I've never tried running a marathon but,
I have always felt that I'm running out of time.

I can read the lines between your eyes
Every emotional hand-me-down

...Relax...

Uncrinkle the nose, the mouth and forehead...

Throw away those thoughts instead.