I journey towards the night
watching the light recede.
Awaiting me, an unsteady
dreamscape of losing
things and beings
and never finding them.

But, there is also the ocean,
of waves cradling me to sleep
with the lullaby of my name’s
repetition- marooning me  
from the sound of others,
the fears, anxieties to come.

Yet, my unconscious tugs me
towards the new tomorrow, forcing
my drowsy mind to count backwards
from sixty to one, until the gravity and  
heaviness retreats into the
light and life to come—

the awakening that  turns
the dark blue inside to light blue sky,
the rising eastern glow that is
the morning star affirming
to my eyelids that this dark life
was just a dream of my fretful mind.

Awaiting me, the to-do list of my morning:
the ritual of the toilet, scale, finger ******,
Psyllium powder stirred in water, catering
to my dog’s and wife’s love language of
gourmet kibble and Nescafe— an  A.M.  life
measured out in watery tablespoons of love.

The cadence of my feet lives itself out in
thirty steps and half minute treks, a sacred
pitter-patter in rhythm with my breath that
allows the traumas of the past- the dead, the
cancers, the broken houses destroyed and rebuilt-
to exist in hidden memories and bad dreams.

Torpid sea, of stone cold blue
and grizzled leather gray,
It looks like you can’t be bothered
to rise from where you lay,
if you won’t make an effort
I’m not prepared to stay,
now get out of bed stop moping
and send some waves my way,

Dear… you,

Whoever you may have been is lost now.
Like a tide carrying away a clam, your fate was taken from you.
Was it gentle, like a beach wave lapping at a tourist’s toes?
Was it violent, like a riptide carrying a surfer out to sea?

I wonder what kind of pearl might have been hidden in that clamshell.
Was it beautiful, full of shimmering possibility and light?
Was it warped, shaped and formed uniquely to match you?
The world may not have liked the pearl, concealed by two halves of a whole.

But I think I would have. I think that sparkly gem would even be my favorite.  
Made unlike any other, its color, shape, size, weight, and beauty would make it
perfect, perfect for me. I would cherish that pearl, wear it around my neck. Like a medal, it would rest between my *******, shining in unison with my imperfect teeth.

But you are not a pearl. You are not anything. You could have been so much, and I would give all that I’ve done, all that I am, all that I know, to see who you would be.
If only I could… You could be so happy here. I’m sorry that chance was taken from you.
I took that chance away from you. Well, it wasn’t only me; it wasn’t a decision I made.

These are just excuses. I can’t undo what has been done, but please know I am sorry.

With love that was saved just for you,
A Mother Figure but Never a Mother

The tide waves goodbye as I drive back to the mountains of my home.
Though there is no snow at their shallow peaks,
I miss those fall colors which raised me to wonder.
I wonder where the mountains meet the sea.
I wonder if those who only see one or the other
will ever truly understand the beauty this earth provides.
The tide waved goodbye,
and then the leaves on the mountain trees waved hello again.

As the sea rises, the stern falls.
The moon is my last view before blackness consumes it all.
Waves beat me like an angry horde.
Ropes circle my neck like an assassin's cord.
I take my last breath, half of it water,
Before my untimely death. My body sinks under.

there's an ocean behind her eyes
an ocean in which she drowns
it's unlike any  
for no light reaches
perhaps,
it's the waves
which she can't pull herself out from
they tug her in
they drag her back
and she pours in
she melts
she returns
as if she had never left at all

there's a desert behind his struggle
and between the sun-kissed orbs
that loved to gaze on the sun
there's a hollowness he feels
it was as if he walked around
on naked feet
and upon broken shards of glass
but there’s a duty he bears
as if suddenly turning older
it meant becoming atlas
with the world upon his shoulders
and his own became ash

but he stays quiet
lips tightened shut
even if the silence weeps

and there's so much to say
but the words are already lost
between what couldn't have been
and between what was
at least most

and there's so
so many paths to walk on
but her bones ache
and he doesn't remember the last time
he had taken a breathe and had sat down

and they might meet,
between holding on and letting go
they might meet on the wrong road
or on the middle  
or in the end
at the right time
at the wrong place
and in between
just two strangers walking by

they might meet
in one gaze
in a single glance

and it would take little
to see the ghosts
of what they used to be
crawling behind
and the trail of blood
it would take very little
to see the ashes of dreams
upon their feet

to see the water
and to see the sand

it would take very little

Life wanders,
Winding like the waters.
An ocean word,
Sunshine on the waves.
Yet still nothing to compare,
To the shine in your eyes.
It's all dreams,
Wishes that came true.
Because when we kiss,
You say 'I love you.'

My wings failed me
They can no longer fly
Forgiven, I wished to see
The glory your fins could buy.

Completely different; reverse
Our destiny wasn't the same,
Foolish to assume a converse
Between reins of a different game.

And I shall make reasons,
For I left heaven with this fall.
I committed a treason,
Drowning within the blue hall.

As I die, I wish,
A swim with you
But foolish I must be to think a fish,
Would leap out ocean's blue.

Yet you glide with ease,  
While I, a feathered relic, sink—  
Wings too weary for the breeze,  
A fate far colder than I think.  

The sky once knew my name,  
But the sea whispers none,  
Drenched in salt and quiet shame,  
Falling where no light will run.  

Tell me, do you ever dream  
Of soaring where the echoes call?  
Or is it just my hopeless scheme,  
To think the sky could break my fall?

If you'll come with me,
I can bring you to the sea,
Show you the waves as they dance to the sand,
Wander through the dunes,
Winding like the winds in beach birch branches,
We can live like they do on TV,
Swear our hearts to each other,
Like I got down on my one knee.

my eyelids adorned with lead lashes
they sink into the depths unknown
helpless against sleeps ceaseless current
i am swept into its abyss
where darkness swallows all