Slither within my spine
Wither, within my mind

Doctor Jekyll, Mr. Hyde
One coin, two sides

Goodmorning,
precious nutcase.
Which side will I face today?
The neurotic one, to my dismay.
I can never tell which one you truly are.
I know, it seems bizarre
that after all this time
still I’m
so painfully unaware.
And I can’t force you to care.

How I hate you, Kerouac,
you made me believe I can live
with the crazy ones.
Oh how wrong was I.
After all this time
I still can’t tell which one’s the lie.
The one that l have to beg
and twist my arm out
to get attention
or the one that sends me
'I miss you's
etched in the sand.

With everything I do
I will have the doubt in my mind
That the things I am doing
Are just to fill time

My empty accomplishments
My empty wall of fame
My empty heart beating
My empty full name

I lie awake tired
I lie here distressed
I lie here, my mind racing
My whole life a mess

I'm counting the hours
I'm counting the days
Until I can give up
This timeless charade

Dear god I'm not happy
Dear god I'm a fraud
Dear god are you listening?
Dear god, I've wrote you all along

When will this be over?
When will I feel full?
When will my life become everything everyone said it would?
When will I feel sure?

Dear god if you're listening
Dear god hear my plea
Dear god I'm begging you
Why won't you answer me?

The rumbling of the coming earthquake
echoes beneath my surface,
threatening the very idea of normality.

I'm smarter than
Most people i know,
But i've been cursed
With the ability to
Feel.

I have a multitude of thoughts
Being triggered every second.
Each with their own
Unique emotion.

I feel each one vividly,
And with amazing depth
Creating a storm in my head
Impossible to ignore.

My storm of emotions
Grows so strong,
It prevents the simultaneous thoughts
From being articulated
Or understood.

I can confuse myself,
And break my own heart
Because of the complexity
Of my mind.
An astounding talent, really.

My dad says I'm smart,
Too smart for my own good.
And he's probably right.

What good is a brain,
When your heart makes all the decisions?

She goes to therapy everyday with the angels
Tapping her shotgun to the beat of songs that sound like her situation
Tap water solids make her special needs
Wouldve been a worry awhile ago
Nows just a pleasantry that he's as dumb as me
Now

i can promise myself to you
because i've nothing to lose
if someone hurts me one more time.
i can be loyal
because i would betray myself.
can you do the same, honey, can you?
if you cannot , that's a good thing -
you're not as ****** up as me,
you've still got a sense of self.
but there is no 'me' - i am only made of others.

Racing thoughts are not an
internal contradiction.
It's not crying while laughing.
It most certainly is not an inept,
young adult that describes
their mood-swings as being "bipolar."
Don't fret,
because I will explain,
in depth.
At this given moment I can list pages upon pages of what it isn't. And that's the point, maybe, considering that these racing thoughts have created enough points to produce a stippling picture of an overall paranoia.

Four days into this headache, an unattainable inquiry is not reason.
It's not reason.
Not reason.
Not reason.

At this point in my life there is nothing to achieve by convincing strangers of my sanity. No matter how many times I may try and blink a person away, it just leaves me with tired eyes, and in the end, less credibility. I'm gasping for air with a plastic bag wrapped around my head, praying that my body can find peace and not twitch. But I'm fooling myself, like a friend, your friend. One that exclaims love and intimacy, but is given a kiss on the forehead, blocking my third eye.
Then after a tumultuous day of unknowing and racing thought, I'm left in a neurotic state, waiting for a cool down period before I'm left
toxic and unwanted.