Anxiety
Fear Nausea
Pacing Crying Nervous
Sleeping Eating or Lack Thereof
Restless Worry Panic
Distress Mistrust
Suffering

the envy of water is truer than i
ever imagined it being. i can look
through you, i can see the charade
you are playing every moment

i reminded you i existed under
you, that i needed air and room
to breathe in the starlight of his
voice and the thickness of the sky

and i see you push me away, repress
me further into oblivion until i cannot
see the light for which i yearn, the
dampness of a tomb is all which reaches

this far down. and i know that to you-
and for you- at least this time, i am small
and insignificant. you are afraid of me and
the voice i possess and the cracks in your shield.

you can't put me away for much longer.
not unless you want to wonder why i
am around every corner shaking you until
you are afraid to move, why i cannot stop

thumping on your chest until the hurricane
on your tongue hushes itself and dissolves
into a perpetual calm, or why the mildness
of winter can't invoke a reaction anymore.

you colored me a funny shade
of aquamarine

but you faded me out until
i was more infinity than ivory.

there is so much i'm afraid to ask you.

i want to know what it means
when it feels like a knife's blade
is trailing down your back whenever
anyone says ma'am or miss
but it doesn't carve into your flesh
the way you'd assume it might

i want to understand why i want
to carve and shape my chest
but don't mind if my curves stay
if it means i could wear a corset
and compress the rest of my body

i want to know why i am afraid to tell you
even though you're my best friend
and i know that you understand
and i know that you're here for me
but i'm afraid you will think
i am making it up as i go, like this
hasn't been long enough

but i have known something was wrong
for over a year

i didn't talk to you much then
even though i knew you for years

but i couldn't figure out why i was scared
why i am scared
why i have been scared of myself
and my body
and my mind
and i don't know where i am or what i'm doing
but i'm scared if i tell you now

it will be too late.

i know you know.

i don't have to tell you anything

but at the same time i know
that if i don't, you won't mold your words
around my mind, you won't plant
the flowers of change in your collar

and it's not because you wouldn't,

it's because i haven't given you a name for it.

one is a name you said reminded you of carnations

two is a name you told me existed

three is a name that even i am afraid to utter
because i don't feel right taking it from you
even if i tick all of the boxes perfectly.

it is a name i am not familiar with yet.

it is a name that would steal my parents' daughter
away from them

and it would not grant them a son either.

i want to talk about it so badly
but my lips won't form the words
and everyone around me has already
begun assimilating their language
without my telling them

i wish you would ask me what is wrong.

and i wish you would choose
'them'
for me.