everyday is exactly the same
there is no love here
and there is no pain*

every single day
consists of only
gray
though my sight
is not colorblind
I exist
in a monochromatic world

at first
when I discovered
my true self
hiding
in my shadow
I found I was
drowning
in the deepest sea
of dark blue misery

anchors of shame
sunk me
to the depths
unable to pull myself
back up
my soul died while submerged
and since then
this sunken vessel
has been empty

sea of sadness
I am
one with you
the pressure
is no longer
overwhelming
it has become
unnoticeable
as with
all else

no joy
no sunshine
can touch this
void
myself
immune to sadness
immune to all
the colors of emotion

please make me real
I just want to feel

Oho, how I love red nails
They mark a promiscuous woman
A lady of stature
Someone is trying to make a statement
But she is far too into her looks
They're so glossy!
As if they weren't in your face enough already
I just love the compliments though
So many!
Forget my brown eyes
Or chameleon skin that is white in the winter
And bronze in the summer
Never mind those chunky thighs
Nice and thick
Thick is in these days
But the thigh rub
It makes a rash as bright as my nails
Which are perfect for a girl who talks with her hands
You just can't look away
You judge in the morning and indulge in the night
You try
But my red nails are red
So they hide the dried blood underneath

I learned the difference
Between grime
And dirt,
At a very young age.
That they can be different
Yet look the same under the fingernails
Of a child.
I hid them,
Bit them,
For I knew what would come if I was not neat.

Disapproving glances at my mother,
How dare she raise such an animal.
Disappointing looks at me,
I never could scrub my nails enough
For the clean to stain.

Lady Macbeth washed her hands
cleaner than Pontius Pilate
with a new improved, bio-enzyme
oxy-bursting, 99.9% germ-scouring
recommended by dermato-logists
scented with rose attar
oils from Arabia
and spermaceti soothing
unguents from long dead whales.

She’s going to the nail bar
for a manicure and application
of semi-permanent, diamond-
tipped, acrylic base-coated
in red blood enamel.

She’ll scratch
and etch rich tattoos
on her husband’s back
with every ******, he will shudder
with pain and delight
He’ll soon forget long, dark nights
bewitched by ghosts and ambition.

© M.L. Emmett

What if I were to **** myself
Not out of love lost ,
Not out of a broken heart,
Not out of lost hope or misplaced faith
But out of the fact that I didn't want to live anymore
What if I were smiling for so long my lips feels like they will never be normal
Should I crease my heart and let my lips fall into place ?
What if behind all the concealer my skin is still broken and confused
What if underneath my sleeves there are lines left behind by filed nails ?
If suicide wasn't in your book of survival is fleeing away acceptable ?
How is that in anyway different ?
Easier to say but hard to perform.
For I'm so distraught now I don't wanna live anymore
What if the deed is done and you find the bottle half empty
Will u ever forgive me ?
Will you put flowers on my grave every new year.
Wishing I was there to see the pretty fireworks my eyes couldn't see anymore.
Would you ever buy a white dress and know I wouldn't ever see you wear it or wear one no more ?
Or would you diminish my face forever?
Shove my memories in a shoe box disposed of in the bottom closet ?
Would you hate me for it?
Will you give my choice a definition ?
Too cowardly not to go on
Too scared to fall
Too sick of being afraid
So let me ask you again
Will you ever forgive me ?

darling they've found the body
curled up among the leaves
echoing the quiet decay
savoring the dying day

darling they've found the body
crying under the porch
choking on the insects
still she swallows more

pull out the nails
unwrap the barbed wire
cut the noose
pull out the nails
unwrap the barbed wire
cut the noose

darling they've found the body
on you're side on the bed
shes wearing white sheets
there are no eyes in her head

darling they've found the body
sitting in your place
talking with your voice
wearing half your face

pull out the nails
unwrap the barbed wire
cut the noose
pull out the nails
unwrap the barbed wire
cut the noose

darling they've found the body
her hands are around your throat
settling into indents
she put there long ago

darling they've found the body
they dig her up
wherever we go

Lay flat on your back and staple yourself to a falling star, make yourself look like a wish burning out of the sky to save the person desperate enough to wish upon you.

2. Nail rose petals to your hands and offer them as the apology you won’t give them after you've left, but they don’t know that yet because you said you were different and they trust you.

3. When things start to fit together make sure you cut the silence with lies sharper than the razors that tear through skin cleaner than a blank page.

4. Tell them to take a breath of fresh water because rivers will fill their lungs better than any summer breeze ever could.

5. Tie yourself to a lightning bolt and hold it down. Keep its light to yourself. Make sure you convince them that you’re not as lost and hopeless as you seem because no one wants to love someone as broken as you.

6. I've heard it said that human ashes make great fertilizer so turn yourself into stardust and pollute the galaxy with your remains. Make your debris cloud the night skies. Grow false hope in everything you touch.

7. Find someone extremely flammable, make them trust you, then strike matches across their weary smile. Even if they don’t deserve to burn in your wake.

8. Make your touch feel like a gun in their hands, heavy with the weight of black steel promises to never leave, and then once they take the safety off…

9. Misfire straight into their chest. Let the impact of your leaving tear through where their heart used to be and mistake the throb of ripping skin and the dull snapping of bone as a heartbeat.

10 .Reload.

So… you want to be remembered? It’s easy really…

1. Make someone love you, and hurt them.