Every second that passed, I realized that I preferred being secluded
Whatever that surrounded me, whether it was rotting wood or decaying books
I'm sure I would love the idea of having the pleasure of their company
Mornings meant dragging my feet across the concrete
And nights consisted of me pulling the covers over my head
Making sure that my thoughts were exclusive and not occupying the spaces underneath my bed
My house was a connection of walls
Yet I always felt that they were never enough to keep me from harm
But what terrified me the most was knowing that monsters weren't always physical representations
They regularly creeped through the keyholes and cracks on doors
They spoke to me when home alone
They were the words that I wrote on paper
They were the scars on my body
They were the spaces between my fingers
No matter if I have curtains shut and windows locked
Even if I cut myself loose from the friendships I built to burn back down
The monsters will always be there in my head
Almost as if they were the friends that never left

n.j.

They call us vampires
because the moon is our sun
and our day is their night.

They call us vampires
because all that we've done
to inspire true fright.

They call us monstrous creatures
for our pale, stone cold features.

They lock their doors, hide in fear.
They can tell when we are near.

Try not to listen when you hear us say,
"We are the hunters, and you are the prey."

Dust suspended,
in sins I've committed.
Eyes of my innocents
reflect back at me.
Why they scream
the shame is to much for me.
Monsters lie inside my head,
expose the truth,
crushing dreams.
Dust and shame is all I eat.

Took me 18 years to realize I didn't want to really live because I wasn't living.
You're not living when you feel like you're dying everyday.
You're not living when you break down & cut lines across your skin like tally marks.
You're not living when you can barely breathe.
You're not living.
But you're alive & there's nothing you can do about it.
Pain & suffer.
It's a game.
You're facing your own monsters because you learned they weren't hiding in your closet but instead they're hiding inside you.
You're fighting against your soul.
Your body.
You don't know how to defeat them without defeating yourself.
So what do you do?
You give up.
You lost.
It's over.
Good night.