I want you
And I wanted you to stay
But now that your gone
I want you to stay gone
But I can't stop missing you
So you might as well come back

All the good times I ever spent,
I spent all of them with you.
All the harm I ever did,
I harmed only me.
Of all the lies I ever told,
the worst was that I was over you.

The air your lips used to warm
as you'd breathe into mine,
has become too cold
from the space
you left between us.


Now,
I warm my own air
with flames
set from the peelings
of a burning heart
you threw away
in a rusted can.


I don't remember winter ever being so cold.

I wish I had the courage to talk to pretty girls.
It’s not them; it’s their cold beauty that makes
my fingers shiver, and rejection that makes me
feel like I’m a white lighter that strikes out
nothing more than sparks.

I wish I had the courage to not take **** from
my superiors and remind them that when you
beat the life out of a man, you had better cut a deal
with Death if you plan to let him stand back up.

I wish I had the courage to rise above peer
pressure and see that a bulletproof vest isn’t so
dumb when you realize that the person you take
a bullet, for was actually the one who loaded the gun.  

I wish I had the courage to tell you that your ****
looked HUGE in those jeans,
and I wanted to burn every other pair you owned.

I wish I had the courage to get out of bed every
morning, because sometimes I forget that I’m
actually still alive, and my blinds keep hiding the
fact that this world is made of sugar.

I wish I had the courage to be vulnerable again
but trust is a treasure someone stole from my heart,
left a bag of sand in its place, and took off running.

I wish I had the courage to ask for help because I’m
not the sharpest cheddar in the fridge and I was born
with a head that could break down brick walls.

I wish I had the courage to own a snake but I was
brought up Catholic so I am conditioned to fearing
both the Devil and God.

I wish I had the courage to keep my commitments
so when the people I love open my promise box,
they actually find something inside.

I wish I had the courage to let go of the past
and get past the point of letting go.

I wish I had to courage to speak at your funeral . . .
but I’ve never been the fastest to pick up the pieces, and even when I do I always put them in the wrong place, so **** it. I filed down the jigsaw edges so now all I have to do is connect the dots, but every time I do, all I get are silhouettes of you; us. I see your face in a day more than I see faces in a week. It’s the reason I stand at the edge of rooftops, the reason all my mirrors are broken, the reason I wake up with my face floating in a pool. I wrote a paper this morning titled, “To Do Today:” It's crumpled somewhere on the floor because the only thing I’m really going

To Do Today:

-is miss you.

Ah, being so far away from you
is hard, my love, it's hard, my love
And I'm not sure how I'm supposed to relax
when I'm constantly wondering about you
Are you okay?
But I'll be back home
before we know it
And I know you would want me to relax
So I'll try to relax,
but I'll keep you close in my thoughts;
Your silver heart hangs close to mine.

12pm and we are walking back to the train station. I feel a little more regret with each step. Barely a word exchanged but our emotions are kept within each motion.
She says I wish I could show my appreciation.
11am and our nerves are driven mad. I try not to think back but the past bites at my conscience,
Now I'm biting the bottom of your back just slowly sapping your warmth.
Its a little past the time and I know this won't last forever. My lips drop a little lower.
Two gasps in wonder.
10am and I'm stirring to the sound of a breath, I realize you're here and that makes this okay.
You haven't left.
A wayward dream creates a shattered conclusion. I have you now and I want you now.
A hand slides into another. They fit perfectly.
Correctly. Surely this feeling isnt pure ecstasy.
9am and the first alarm rings. I hate the sound of it and reach to turn it off. There is a presence which makes me feel uneasy. My heart races and I remember you're here too. I should be at ease. My breathing slows as we match movements. I slowly kiss the nape of your neck.
Its a nick sparks moment but who's bothered with the motions?
Our true motives will come with this morning.
8am and I'm restless as there is another body here. I remember in an instant that its you and instinct pulls you closer in. Our arms wrapped in one another's.
I feel free.
7am and my dreams are as pleasant as they were once bitter.
6am and I can't sleep. I'm too stirred by the drink our flavors could mix and make.
Are we a creation or a fake?
I will find out today.
5am and our eyes are closed. But our minds race. I whisper are you okay, you no longer respond. You inch closer to me. Our breathing slows.
4am and we're dead to the world but alive to our touch. Slowly, but surely.
3am and we come inside from clumsiness.
Foolish trials to come close, I smile as improvement becomes insurance.
You will come back again.
2am and the black tar teaches us mistakes I will never forget. Your grace is embedded in your silliness. One more dance.
One more swaying motion. I'll find myself back where I want to be. Whether tonight ends or tomorrow begins.
1 am and I escape the world as I feel your arm in mine. Everything begins tonight. I know I'll feel alright soon. Just you and the moon.
12pm and my life includes a random encounter from you. I'm escaping a party with no intention of being held ransom for my company. A mere thought escapes my mind that this isn't where I want to be. But fate has said this is where I need to be.
11pm and I'm preparing to head out.
With a future so bright but a dull outlook on life.
Whatever I didn't know was coming,
Whatever lies beyond this night.
The future doesn't scare me anymore.
How can I lose,
What I already don't have?
.