Two pink lines, we knew it was true
Sooner or later we would meet you
We knew it would happen you even sent clues
So happy we made phone calls to share the great news

Suddenly Mommy was in pain
saw bleeding Daddy said something was strange
Praying together hoping nothing is wrong
tears in my eyes trying to stay strong

Up on the screen your sister was present
you weren't there you were sent back to heaven,
so confused trying to understand why
I had one baby and the other didn't survive..

As quickly as your life started
it ended, at only 9 weeks.
I was so ready, we were so close
so small, no eye could see
So early, yet you still meant so much to me

I long to know what you looked like,
and hold you in my arms
Loving you from a distance
your still our  good luck charm.

Never will I have the chance to kiss your sweet lips
or carry your loving body around on my hip.
Your mine and always will be
but oh I long to touch the baby I will never see..

Having you with me
for a short time is still such a gift
you will forever be my favorite "what if".

I hurt myself today...
Johnny Cash, he summed it up so well.
I hurt myself today
to see if I can still feel
anything other than sadness when
I fail.

What have I become?
Failure.
Everywhere, everything I do turns to ash.
I hurt myself today, my son.
You can ask Johnny Cash yourself up there
in heaven where you are.

I still think about the day I lost you.
Waking up in a pool of blood,
it wasn't long before I realized.
Then the tears began
and reason ended too.
It was a miscarriage, my son.

You were my second chance.
Now you've been ripped away from me.
What do I have left? Where can I stand?

I hurt myself today.
Missing you is all I feel.
Johnny Cash said it all,
And knew pain all too well.

It hurts so much to live
without my baby here.
Please forgive...
Please forgive me but
I have to let you go.
It's the only way I can survive.
I miss you, I need you.
But I have to live for you too.

I hurt myself today,
but I'm going to get better, baby,
I promise you that.
Sleep sweetly, my love,
and I'll see you again someday.

       Love,
       Mommy

Every human life is ment to change us
Rearrange us
Come into our hearts and remake us

They called you unviable
Not saveable
To come into our arms you where unable

But you where already in our heart
Right from the start
You in our lifes will always remain apart

Not even six weeks in the womb
Gone way to soon
In our arms you maybe absent, but in our hearts and memories there will always be room

My precious little peanut

he had a dream
where she slept in his lungs,
cleared the air and breathed his blood.

he made a universe
of stars made of her
they had her name and they breathed life.

he loved her
because he thought it meant
loving himself
but he should've known that
two explosions, when finished,
eventually result
in darkness.

he thought the universe was heavy,
yet he carried her to bed every night
for a week and a half
while she battled her tears
over “what if?”
and he would put her to sleep
with gentle cradling and soft whispering
because he knew stars needed to sleep too.

he made flowers grow
in her body,
he let their stems wrap tightly
around her ribs and hold her together,
and he was scared of the darkness,
but he'd come to love the eerie glow
of the moonlight.
his fingers were drowned
in the outpouring of her agony,
and they were fixed to her cheeks
like constellations in the sky.
the person she used to be
was now a faint ghost,
etched into his memory,
but it was how he kept her alive.

the things he thought about most
were the things he talked about least
often times,
the sounds of their children's laughter
stained the fibres of his mind,
but he couldn't recall those sounds,
for they had been replaced
by his wife's shaky breaths
and painful cries.

he had a dream
where she slept in his lungs.
perhaps that was where she should be,
for maybe life can begin to grow again
and wrap tightly around her ribs
and possibly, maybe, hopefully,
hold her together.

he wished the flowers good luck,
because even gravity
couldn't bind the universe.

6:15 am*                04/28/16


I’m sorry.

I just wanted to start out by saying that.

I should have fought harder for you; I should not have let myself be persuaded into letting you go when I knew I didn’t want to. The truth is, I was scared- I was scared that I wasn’t going to have enough. That I wasn’t going to be enough. I know now that I was wrong. I would have been strong and I would have been okay and I would have loved you more than anyone could have imagined. Even if it was hard I would have worked through it. But, I doubted myself, and that’s where I failed you.

I could just blame everyone else around me and say “I didn’t have a choice,” but to me that’s just taking the easy way out and avoiding my faults to try to put my own mind at ease… but it would only make me feel worse. I knew I had a voice and I knew I had the choice to speak up and use it but I didn’t. By the time I realized that, it was too late and my fight wasn’t heard. I tried… but it took me too long and it was already happening and I couldn’t stop it.

…

You would have been so loved. Everyone would have spoiled you rotten. The kids (my siblings) would have been especially ecstatic to have a new baby around. My mom would have been happy to be a grandmother (as I’m sure your dad's mother would have been as well). My grandparents would have welcomed you as a great grandchild and you would have been worshiped by my grandpa who absolutely loves babies. I’m sure your dad would have been upset for a while I was carrying you, but when you actually got here he probably would have been completely different about it. He would have had no choice but to love you, too.

And I would have loved you. I did love you. I didn’t even know you yet and I loved you already. I still love you and I always will. I know it’s easy to say “I’ll never forget you” and then stop thinking about it and move on and forget- but you were such a big part of me, even in the short amount of time that you were mine, that I won’t ever be able to forget you. You are a part of me now and you’re here to stay, even if you aren’t physically here.

You will always be loved.

You will always be missed and you will always be remembered.

R.I.P 04/25/16.

(never forget: 11/26/16)
                           ^Your birthday.

My baby is gone,
She's left to the skies,
Leaving me mellow,withdrawn.

I imagine her eyes,
Azure like the bluest seas,
Turning stormy when she cries.

How she squirms at a sneeze,
Those cherry, cherubic cheeks,
Enchanted by everything she sees.

The way her little hands seek,
My ring finger, her lifeline,
Listening deeply as I speak.

But alas! The babe I once called mine,
Left my side, without a sound,
Before her time.

I touch my belly which once was round,
The hollowness and emptiness within,
And envision you, heaven-bound.

Arms and womb
Are empty
No child
By my side.
But in my
Broken heart
My perfect child
Resides.

-ARI

“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
That's Arthur C. Clarke.
My wife always believed we are not;
She was convinced we are not alone.
11 months ago,
My sweet wife said to me,
“Wouldn’t a pair of tiny feet
Pattering around the house
Sound so sugary sweet?”
10 months ago,
The doctor told me how
My count was pretty low and
Asked my wife about a bike accident
From when she was 10.
My wife cried a little, and then
At home, she cried
More than I’d ever seen her.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said,
But I told her we’re never alone,
As long as we have God.
She told me, in one of the worlds out there,
We are complete.
The ‘S’ in universes keeps her hopeful,
And content.
8 months ago,
I sat in the waiting room
With my sweet wife who had
Been puking and aching for weeks.
The doctor called it a miracle
And said our lonely days were gone.
My wife said she was glad
We weren’t going to be alone,
With just her and me.
7 months ago,
My wife ate right, and exercised,
And sang to her belly, and
Did all of the things
She was told to do;
But it was not enough, because
1 month ago,
My wife — my sweet, lovely wife —
She tripped on the staircase-
That last creaky step I swore I’d fix-
And fell, and bled and bled.
The doctor said he was sorry,
That my wife, she’d be okay, but
That there was nothing to be done
About the young one.
My wife cried much more
Than she had cried 4 months before.
She said she didn’t want to be alone.
“But we are not alone,”
I held her and I said,
“We have God in our midst,
we are not alone.”
A week ago,
I put out a sign
That declared ‘Garage Sale’
(Unabashedly, as if mocking us)
And lay out a motley of miniature clothes and objects-
Unused cribs and
Tiny, unworn shoes.

One day ago,
I said all the right things,
And loved and supported her,
And held her through her tears, but
Right now, as I cry
More than I’ve ever cried before,
And ask why I couldn’t be enough,
She is packing up her trunk,
Saying she can’t take it, saying
*“I just want to be alone.”

The sudden empty feeling in my gut
That once held so much promise
The overwhelming sadness every time my period arrives with the searing reminder that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't stop the blood
Watching my body revolt the only good thing to come into my life an feeling so betrayed
trying so hard not to be spiteful of those whose babies are happy and healthy
laying in the hospital bed begging to god to please just let my twins make it
feeling all I had worked for slip through my fingers like sand.
they may have just been an A and a B but god to me it was so much more.
they were the sun finally breaking through the storm clouds.
I was supposed to be their protector  
but I found myself so drained from the pain
praying for it to just end
but the hours dragged by
not even being able to look at myself, with the guilt that it was my fault tainting every once hopeful thought.
It was not my fault.
I did everything right
Changed my life for them
the hope in my eyes emptying down my cheeks
But they came an went
like the tide at dawn almost as soon as they had arrived
the most beautiful specks I have ever seen.
they showed me how strong I could be an hugged me inside out
I know they would have been proud to have a mommy like me.
the baby commercials that used to bring such excitement an joy
now just bring sobs.
and the rifts created between those who just cant understand
with the friendly advise to just keep it quiet since "no one will
believe you if you tell them anyways"
the shame that comes when I passed someone who knows
feeling like a failure.
fighting back tears as people who do not know ask how my babies are coming along.
I  do not know what I did to deserve this, but I know someday when the time is right.
they will be back
to heal the wounds left by unspoken goodbyes.
or at least that is what I keep telling myself.