he had a dream
where she slept in his lungs,
cleared the air and breathed his blood.

he made a universe
of stars made of her
they had her name and they breathed life.

he loved her
because he thought it meant
loving himself
but he should've known that
two explosions, when finished,
eventually result
in darkness.

he thought the universe was heavy,
yet he carried her to bed every night
for a week and a half
while she battled her tears
over “what if?”
and he would put her to sleep
with gentle cradling and soft whispering
because he knew stars needed to sleep too.

he made flowers grow
in her body,
he let their stems wrap tightly
around her ribs and hold her together,
and he was scared of the darkness,
but he'd come to love the eerie glow
of the moonlight.
his fingers were drowned
in the outpouring of her agony,
and they were fixed to her cheeks
like constellations in the sky.
the person she used to be
was now a faint ghost,
etched into his memory,
but it was how he kept her alive.

the things he thought about most
were the things he talked about least
often times,
the sounds of their children's laughter
stained the fibres of his mind,
but he couldn't recall those sounds,
for they had been replaced
by his wife's shaky breaths
and painful cries.

he had a dream
where she slept in his lungs.
perhaps that was where she should be,
for maybe life can begin to grow again
and wrap tightly around her ribs
and possibly, maybe, hopefully,
hold her together.

he wished the flowers good luck,
because even gravity
couldn't bind the universe.

6:15 am*                04/28/16


I’m sorry.

I just wanted to start out by saying that.

I should have fought harder for you; I should not have let myself be persuaded into letting you go when I knew I didn’t want to. The truth is, I was scared- I was scared that I wasn’t going to have enough. That I wasn’t going to be enough. I know now that I was wrong. I would have been strong and I would have been okay and I would have loved you more than anyone could have imagined. Even if it was hard I would have worked through it. But, I doubted myself, and that’s where I failed you.

I could just blame everyone else around me and say “I didn’t have a choice,” but to me that’s just taking the easy way out and avoiding my faults to try to put my own mind at ease… but it would only make me feel worse. I knew I had a voice and I knew I had the choice to speak up and use it but I didn’t. By the time I realized that, it was too late and my fight wasn’t heard. I tried… but it took me too long and it was already happening and I couldn’t stop it.

…

You would have been so loved. Everyone would have spoiled you rotten. The kids (my siblings) would have been especially ecstatic to have a new baby around. My mom would have been happy to be a grandmother (as I’m sure your dad's mother would have been as well). My grandparents would have welcomed you as a great grandchild and you would have been worshiped by my grandpa who absolutely loves babies. I’m sure your dad would have been upset for a while I was carrying you, but when you actually got here he probably would have been completely different about it. He would have had no choice but to love you, too.

And I would have loved you. I did love you. I didn’t even know you yet and I loved you already. I still love you and I always will. I know it’s easy to say “I’ll never forget you” and then stop thinking about it and move on and forget- but you were such a big part of me, even in the short amount of time that you were mine, that I won’t ever be able to forget you. You are a part of me now and you’re here to stay, even if you aren’t physically here.

You will always be loved.

You will always be missed and you will always be remembered.

R.I.P 04/25/16.

(never forget: 11/26/16)
                           ^Your birthday.

My baby is gone,
She's left to the skies,
Leaving me mellow,withdrawn.

I imagine her eyes,
Azure like the bluest seas,
Turning stormy when she cries.

How she squirms at a sneeze,
Those cherry, cherubic cheeks,
Enchanted by everything she sees.

The way her little hands seek,
My ring finger, her lifeline,
Listening deeply as I speak.

But alas! The babe I once called mine,
Left my side, without a sound,
Before her time.

I touch my belly which once was round,
The hollowness and emptiness within,
And envision you, heaven-bound.

Arms and womb
Are empty
No child
By my side.
But in my
Broken heart
My perfect child
Resides.

-ARI

“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
That's Arthur C. Clarke.
My wife always believed we are not;
She was convinced we are not alone.
11 months ago,
My sweet wife said to me,
“Wouldn’t a pair of tiny feet
Pattering around the house
Sound so sugary sweet?”
10 months ago,
The doctor told me how
My count was pretty low and
Asked my wife about a bike accident
From when she was 10.
My wife cried a little, and then
At home, she cried
More than I’d ever seen her.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said,
But I told her we’re never alone,
As long as we have God.
She told me, in one of the worlds out there,
We are complete.
The ‘S’ in universes keeps her hopeful,
And content.
8 months ago,
I sat in the waiting room
With my sweet wife who had
Been puking and aching for weeks.
The doctor called it a miracle
And said our lonely days were gone.
My wife said she was glad
We weren’t going to be alone,
With just her and me.
7 months ago,
My wife ate right, and exercised,
And sang to her belly, and
Did all of the things
She was told to do;
But it was not enough, because
1 month ago,
My wife — my sweet, lovely wife —
She tripped on the staircase-
That last creaky step I swore I’d fix-
And fell, and bled and bled.
The doctor said he was sorry,
That my wife, she’d be okay, but
That there was nothing to be done
About the young one.
My wife cried much more
Than she had cried 4 months before.
She said she didn’t want to be alone.
“But we are not alone,”
I held her and I said,
“We have God in our midst,
we are not alone.”
A week ago,
I put out a sign
That declared ‘Garage Sale’
(Unabashedly, as if mocking us)
And lay out a motley of miniature clothes and objects-
Unused cribs and
Tiny, unworn shoes.

One day ago,
I said all the right things,
And loved and supported her,
And held her through her tears, but
Right now, as I cry
More than I’ve ever cried before,
And ask why I couldn’t be enough,
She is packing up her trunk,
Saying she can’t take it, saying
*“I just want to be alone.”

The sudden empty feeling in my gut
That once held so much promise
The overwhelming sadness every time my period arrives with the searing reminder that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't stop the blood
Watching my body revolt the only good thing to come into my life an feeling so betrayed
trying so hard not to be spiteful of those whose babies are happy and healthy
laying in the hospital bed begging to god to please just let my twins make it
feeling all I had worked for slip through my fingers like sand.
they may have just been an A and a B but god to me it was so much more.
they were the sun finally breaking through the storm clouds.
I was supposed to be their protector  
but I found myself so drained from the pain
praying for it to just end
but the hours dragged by
not even being able to look at myself, with the guilt that it was my fault tainting every once hopeful thought.
It was not my fault.
I did everything right
Changed my life for them
the hope in my eyes emptying down my cheeks
But they came an went
like the tide at dawn almost as soon as they had arrived
the most beautiful specks I have ever seen.
they showed me how strong I could be an hugged me inside out
I know they would have been proud to have a mommy like me.
the baby commercials that used to bring such excitement an joy
now just bring sobs.
and the rifts created between those who just cant understand
with the friendly advise to just keep it quiet since "no one will
believe you if you tell them anyways"
the shame that comes when I passed someone who knows
feeling like a failure.
fighting back tears as people who do not know ask how my babies are coming along.
I  do not know what I did to deserve this, but I know someday when the time is right.
they will be back
to heal the wounds left by unspoken goodbyes.
or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

He didn't grow angel wings and go to heaven. He put on an astronaut helmet and found peace in the stars. A tiny soul floating through the galaxies, just waiting for mommy to join him. His dreams were to big for this planet. Curiosity, love, adventure, and fearlessness. He was soaked in those traits as he grew in my womb. The unknown was calling and I don't blame him for answering. He was concieved by two souls who desperatly wanted more than life can offer. We created something too beautiful for human form. All I can do is hope that the night sky is full of kindness. It brings peace to know he left this earth knowing nothing of pain. An artist like his mother, I know my son is painting constelations in the sky and sprinkling stardust over my head. One day I'll have the guts to put on a helmet of my own, and he can show me the universe through his eyes, resting in my arms for eternity.

Just in nine MONTHS time,
Thou will be brought to life -
Prithee mine heart sublime,
Into the seas so rife.

Right in front of me,
For a couple of weeks,
Below the giving tree -
Next to Heaven's creeks.

I'll hold thou in my hands,
Nevermore than truth -
My unmade plans,
Written in sand.

Come slowly, Heaven!
My lips are for thee,
When the months are seven -
My delicate bee.

Reach late my flower,
Hold tight to my thumb -
From your unborn tower,
The Chamber that hums.