Pain in my arm from reaching out
Third time's supposed to be the charm
But I've lost count & don't know when I'll max out
Mentally taxed & received an emotional drought
Heavily deceived despite knowing the pattern
Opening & showing your heart & now it's shattered
With each day I feel more battered; it's hard
Wishing for a future that's bright
Whilst relishing in the empty mind space of night

If I'm worth the fight,
then I can take a hit.
It isn't whether I win,
it's if I refuse to quit.
That's funny, because just wait,
for about 24 hours.
Where I'll gain the tremors,
but lose uncertain power.
An inner conflict is my battle,
but one I don't think ends.
Should I be authentically useless?
There's a home I could transcend.
I could ascend upon my limits,
I'm a king to every kind of thinking.
I control my darkness,
in the rapid form of blinking.
Open, close, open, close,
My fists could match the sides.
They're knocking on my skull,
of course I'm gonna abide.
I lost purpose when I dropped value,
when nothing stopped me from the pain.
if all I give to the world is anger,
why shouldn't I receive the same??
---------------------------------------------

my heads aching, because my minds racing , holes in ma socks because of the floor that am pacing worried about these Demonds  I’m soon to be facing
up at night in a cold sweat ,  heads a mess ****** up mindset ,  clenching my fists whilst gripping that tight chest and i feel like it’s hard to grasp a ****** breath

how have I let

it get so bad was it because of how I acted , always naughty for mum and dad , horrible to my mrs and kids treating em bad, or was it because I was failed by the care system as a young lad ? is that why i feel like I’m going crazy  , insane or mad uncontrollable thinking flash backs in ma  brain making me sad , thoughts racing, changing  fast just please go away , how long will they last I will never forget but I hope that they pass

I no I got to open up but I feel hopeless , I feel uncomfortably soulless , probably not 2 hard to notice  , I no I need to be strong and get focused but right now I’m  at my lowest point in my life literally feel like giving up this fight but I need to do what’s right  I made this step forward so I hope everyone was telling the truth I hope that they are-right ,  saying we will all help you be there for you , telling me it’ll be alright

Kuz av bin like

awake with no food for more than 10 days in a row trying to escape my mind but I have no where to go , there used to be days  when I felt amazing have a vibrant glow but snap straight back , to vexin , supper stressin , this is real life no messing struggling finding it hard to cope , hopelessly falling back down depressions *****

for my family , friends and loved ones I no it’s got to be hard the things iv done the things iv said  , they never leave my head and it pains me so much feeling mentally scarred, so many times iv tried to change but I feel to weak to do it alone

so today I’m ganna try open up , I feel scared and it feels hard , but I’m begging for help to start  focusing good , a new chapter in my life am closing the last ****** one up , a better partner a better dad a better all round happier  man

the end seems so far but I hope there is light , amma hold onto that to get me thu this fight , I just don’t feel as tho I can do it without help , I feel mentally drained, emotionally strained help me please get these demons out , and get them tamed .

I want to disappear.
not physically, but mentally.
I don't want anyone to know me.
it would be so easy.

I rest but don't sleep.
I eat but don't taste.
I hear but not listen.
I linger but not dream.
I rise but don't wake.
I look but don't see.
I touch but don't feel.

i am just
so
**** tired                                                  
   of being
                                                          mental­ly sick

P.A.P 4/25/18