Dear dearly beloved,
It's me, again.

I'm sorry for the
Pain and sorrow.

I just want to let
You all know that

There's only
So much lower
I can go.

There's a bullet
With my name on it,

But I don't want
To pull the trigger.

I promise I'm not a quitter,
But I'm far from
Being a winner.

I'm always pulled in
Every direction,

And I feel I fail
Every time, stepping
In the wrong direction.

It's hard to compartmentalize
And section my emotions,

I'm always one step away
From jumping off a ledge,
And it's getting harder

Just to hold on.

Dear dearly beloved,

Pray that I make it through,

So my soul doesn't get
Crushed by the weight
Of the world,

And delivered to the underworld.

How many times can I write a "break up" poem?

Screaming into my empty pages,

"This is it,
                  I'm finally
                                      DONE. " 

I still don't leave, though,
Of course I don't.
Is this what its like to be crazy?
You're the only place I know.
        
Am I insane?
Whos to say?


If you ask me, I wasnt always this way.
I'm almost sure of it.

But if I'm insane, how would I even tell?

For all I know,
I could be in an asylum right now, rocking back and forth in a corner,
just talking to myself.

How would I even know?
Could I even guess?


The terrifying part is,
I wouldn't.

Crazy people never realize they are crazy,
Do they?

So maybe none of this is real. ...

...Maybe HE'S not real...

Maybe we never fell in love,
never had our child,
never planned our future together.

But that was all before the abuse.

                       ...The abuse..... 

                        Was that even real?
I'm not sure anymore...

   Maybe it wasnt.
Maybe, we never even met.

Well if thats the case, and we never met,
I guess thats good.

Because never meeting me, is what you told me you wished for,

right?

                    ...Or...
                    I don't  know.
Did you?

I leave myself all over the place
then retrace my steps
and while I try to collect myself
there's pieces I forget

Here again, it’s all so familiar,
The empty space I carved for myself,
A void that brings me solace,
Far from the world's embrace.

This time, I entered willingly,
Unlike before, when ignorance guided me.
It’s different now; I can choose to leave,
Yet in this toxic, dreadful silence, I find comfort.

No longer weeping in the corner,
Everything shifts, but the feeling persists,
The heaviness in my chest—
As if the rain never ceased.

Bloodstained puddles on the floor,
Grim reminders of past hardships.
Each reflection a testament,
To all I've survived.

Maybe I’ll linger a bit longer,
Wandering endlessly through this void.
I’ll escape eventually, won’t I?
I can get out… right? Someone... please...

I live my life in a series of highway exits and parking lots. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of a world between traffic  and sob with longing

I understand there will be times the words I say won't be the ones you hear.
And you might lash out in anger
disguised as fear.
Fear that one day, we'll fight, I'll leave,
and never come back.
But once you calm down, like you always do,
I'll be there to remind you that sometimes, words get lost in translation.
And it's OK, because it happens to everyone.

mourning the little love lost between us,
the little left of you i know -
the more i know not to trust
a grin that doesn't fit your face
clothes you wouldn't usually wear
you talk a voice which bleeds white noise
i don't know you anymore
i find faults in friendly faces,
i recognize laughter lines into unfamiliar smiles
my sunken eyes with their well worn stares
my broken bones in their cold armchair
struggling to trust in my memory
recollecting conversations held between these
people who'd never remember me