Dearest Parents,

I don’t even know where to begin, because there’s so much sitting in my heart. Some of it heavy, some of it aching and all of it quietly waiting to be heard.

I miss you both.
I miss home.
I miss the feeling of safety I used to associate with your presence. Even when things were hard, I believed, deep down, that love was somewhere in the room.

But now… I feel banished. Like I was pushed out from the one place I thought would always take me in. I don’t know if it was something I did, or didn’t do, or simply who I am. But the silence, the distance, it’s louder than any words you could’ve spoken.

I’ve been trying to be strong. To hold myself up without the foundation I used to rely on. To believe I still matter, even when I feel forgotten. It hurts. It hurts in the kind of way that lingers, that wakes me up at night, that makes me question my worth.

Still, somewhere in me, there’s a small flicker of love that hasn’t gone out. A part of me that wishes you could see me. Not as a disappointment, not as someone to cast out, but just as your child. I’m not perfect, but I’ve always carried love for you. I still do.

Maybe you’ll never read this. Maybe nothing will change. But I needed to say it, for me. I needed to let these words out of the cage they’ve been in.

With love and sadness,
Me

I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
Maybe a bit too much.
Maybe a bit too often,
With those depressing words and such.

I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
Carefully chose every word.
Desperately trying to tell you,
That to me you meant the whole world.

I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
It almost felt like a crime.
Put my pen down like a weapon,
And glance at you one last time.

Dear dad,

when you left, it broke mommy.
you hurt her
an then as soon as she tried to get better you tried to take me away
you hurt me deeply too you know
not only me
not only her
you hurt nana, poi.
you hurt us all
as soon as i was "old enough" i was used
and you defended your brother
because of course you did.
you chose him over me
i hate you.

i dont really.
i dont.
i love you
because im supposed to.

Love,
Holly.

dear mom,

when i was born to a 16 year old, do you think it was my plan to hurt you? to ruin you? i made your life hell, i know. but this was out of my control.
mommy i love you
mommy look im reading
look how smart i am
look how good i am
look how nice i am
look how kind i am
see how tired i am
see how lonely i am
how alone
how sickly
mommy why wont you answer me
have i done something wrong?
i did everything for you.
no matter how hard i tried it was never enough.
when daddy came back to get me
you fought
you genuinely loved me
and i never wanted to see him
i loved you
daddy had left
hurt me
hurt you
but as soon as you won
didnt you cry?
wish i had been taken?
i remember that night you prayed to god for me to go away
how i was hurting you
you were my age when you had me
nearly an adult
adult enough to go to that party
to go find your man friend
to lie and say you coud drink
but what happened?
daddy forgot he hated condoms.
forgot he didnt like consent
yet it was my faut after
im sorry mommy
im sorry i wasnt good enough.
fast forward me 2019
taking it out on my grades and never happy
put on a mask for the parents and bottle up my sorrow study and work til i see the light of tomorrow
suddenly im 13
hardly 3 days clean
picking up scraps and taking pills i cant seem
to pronounce the names of
my grades are slipping
my life crumbling
im turning fifteen in 3 weeks
its like you dont even know me.
like you kept having kids to fil the void
stopl hurting me
i didnt deserve it
i was always good
i did everything to make you happy

love,
Holly

You've gone through a lot
that much is true.
You've attempted to end your life
the outcome never as you wanted.
But soon enough you'll appreciate life
and the joys of being alive.
The road to recovery is a tough and long one
but it's one you're willing to take.
You haven't self-harmed in over 80 days
I know you can't fathom that.
Self-harm was your lifeline
in the awful house you lived in.
Yes, past tense, lived in
you escaped that hell of a house.
Your siblings have not
but they were always favored more.
You don't have many friends
but the ones you do are amazing.
Sadly, those friends live far away
but when you see them,
it's like you were never apart.
You still struggle with mental health
but you're getting better and stronger.
Life is more enjoyable now
even though we never wanted to be alive this long.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm still alive.
- Liam

Hey! Sorry, am I bothering you?
No.. It's just.. it's all too new.
Anyways I just thought if you are still awake,
Just maybe then, now we could make-
Some memories, if you don't mind at all,
Would it be okay then, can I start the call?
Or maybe not, you know what? I'll just write,
And keep writing till I pass the night,
You can stop reading, whenever you are too tired to read,
Wait let me quickly say the things, I really need,
I have never said "thanks" to you,
And I love…. Well it's nothing new.
Ah never mind, what I wanted to say-
Will you ever forget it? You know.. "that" day?
Ah, forget it. Am I being stupid again?
But I remember you said, you'd make me forget that pain
Hah that was a dumb promise, won't you agree?
You can break it if you want, you don't have to see-
What I'm doing alone, far away from all,
Why don't you run away? Then you won't see the fall.
It's stupid, you know? Just..  trying to be deep
Also, aren't you tired of reading? Why don't you go to sleep?
As for me? I'll stay a bit longer, not sure why,
Have you ever laughed out loud, when you tried to cry?
So I hope I might get it out, if I keep writing some more.
It hurts, you know? Somewhere deep inside my core.
I don't know why, but I don't hate it too, you know?
It's like the pain you feel, touching the year's first snow.
Am I making sense? hah probably not.
You did something to me, and tied my brain into a knot.
Also what do you think about darkness? Isn't it a thing you miss?
Does it make you feel lonely? Or maybe a bit of comfort and peace?
I don't know why, but it always reminds me of you.
When I look up, towards the sky dark blue
You know how it feels, when you are betrayed by the sun?
You feel small and ashamed, but you don't know what you've done?
But like a thunderstorm in a scorched summer day,
You are chilling breeze on an evening in May.
So I love you, just like how I love the night.
I wish I could be your moon, or maybe a broken streetlight.
What's the difference, yeah? In a grey dim eye?
L.E.D or sun, the moth is destined to die.
And I'll love to burn bright in your hand,
And feel the light, as I turn myself into sand.
Then blow it away, with a hand you've lend
And take me where, a golden hour may never end.
Anyways, I think it's time to stop, and send my cold regards.
So I'll end it here, with a dried up tear, and void full of unspoken words

Dear Universe,
I apologize for not reading
your messages before.
I just preferred to go
my own untraveled road.
You know me so well—

Youth, optimism
and stubbornness
were my strengths.
All these appearances
to decide for myself
with free will?
It was worth it.

Over the years,
I understood
that you are not my enemy.
You wished me to feel better,
and truly complete.
Now, I open your letters,
peacefully smiling,
without fear,
knowing I won’t find
false promises
or easy solutions.

You send me people,
situations, symbols, dreams,
and beautiful melodies,
carried by the solar wind—
that I take in surprising peace.
Even though,
sometimes it’s painful.

I think I'm cooked,
I feel the ache I longed for.
I'm restless, but I think
I got what I wanted.

I keep checking
and I keep thinking
about you and how you
might be thinking about me.

I don't think there's a future.
I don't think this will be
anything but the ache.
But I guess I never wanted more.

Looking at her.
Take a glance, there she was…
all over the place, yet so beautiful
you think to yourself, but you just don’t get it.
“How can others not get it?
they look at you
and not fall for you!
of course, they are going to regret it.”

She goes on about her heartaches and troubles,
wishing you could go back in time to tell them how stupid they were,
and with a smirk on your face, they would know,
it is now your turn.

You look at her worried,
about her smile,
about her lips,
about her arms,
about her weight,
and all the things that drive her crazy.
Yet you think to yourself
of how it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve laid eyes on.

You simply observe,
but neither does she understand the power she holds,
or maybe she does.
But she doesn’t make a big deal of it
and that makes her more beautiful.

All that ******* power
one “hi” is enough to poison you
one kiss on the cheek,
now you are impregnated with that perfume,
that smell…
it sneaks through your pillow,
whispers to your ear
reminding you to think of her.

You look in front of you as she stands so calmly
thinking how lucky you got
that you get to love her.
And now you promise,
You will take every chance to remind her,
that you love her.