I'm shrinking.

Further and further from sight.

You are 800 miles away and I am slowly but surely disappearing out of view.

You are the only one who matters to me but yet I continue to break your heart with my self destruction.

Forgive me for withering away while we were apart.

You just became so distant physically while I, mentally.

"I love you," a kind soul said.
"Don't do that to yourself," I replied.
"I take that love and use it for personal gain. Then once I'm done I throw you away, for who keeps the spare parts? I'll let you fill that void inside me for a little while and keep myself warm against the harsh and cold winter. I'll let you 'love' me then, just to be cruel, I'll drop you. You'll be sad and wonder, 'How could she?' or 'What did I do?' You didn't do a thing darling, I just grew tired and it was getting too hot for me (maybe i was getting attached we'll never know). So, ya, don't do that to yourself."

I find myself at such a loss.
Just wait.
Here me out.
What I'm bout to say comes straight from the heart.

Look, I get it, you dont have to answer any of my calls.
I'm believing..
Hell, I'm hoping, you'll pick up one day.
Please just know, I'd never want to add to your pain.
I'm praying that time makes a change in our life.

This is a strange place to be in.
This is a strange place I've put myself in.
Admitting things I never would.
Confessing things, that's just something I never did.

I find myself pacing, I feel like I'm going crazy, realizing how much you made a difference in my life,
And I don't want anybody else.

Hear me?
Don't nobody deserve myself, but you.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is..

You ain't gotta make your mind up
right now.
Darling, there's no rush.
So take your time, don't rush.
There's no pressure, I just gatta express this...

You took me by such surprise.
Never thought I'd take you serious.
But you came in and changed everything.
You came in and changed all of me


I miss your little hands and the way they caressed away all of my inner pain.
I admit, I took you for granted.
So now here I sit, on the edge of my empty bed with nothing but the reflection of all my bad decisions.

There were some nights, I'd find myself talking to my conscience.
I knew I made a few mistakes.
I knew I did it to myself.
I know I never admitted this,
but I'm the only one to blame for this.
I know you might need a little time to believe all of this.
To believe in me again.
To love again.

God, you must really not know it do you? How beautiful you are, standing there in front of me as I say all this.
Those beautiful hazel eyes staring back at me, unaware of how every cell in my entire body just wants to reach out and touch you.
You're not making this easy. Especially when I see you make that face, all I wanna do is make love to you all over the place.
  
I can't do this, I'm determined to fight for this.
I'ma put up a fight for this.
I cannot give up on a love like this.

So I'll be patient, I'll wait for however long you need because to me you're worth it.

I just feel like I’m dying inside without you here by my side my life in shambles from havoc that I wrought. No one to blame but myself  now living with the consequences of not having you the only one I ever truly loved knowing that I have caused you heartache and pain I’ll never be the same alone wondering in the darkness. Looking for that amazing life we shared in this universe as my soul gets pulled into the portals with nothing that I can do to stop it you’re my balance yin to my yang my elemental my soulmate

Dear mom

Mom I reamemer all the memories, you told me when you saw me the first time you said I was beautiful. You smile so bright, like I was an angle. Mom you and dad fought alot and I was so young I didn't know what was going on. Mom now I know, now I see the pain and the tears you have cried. Mom I reamemer sitting there looking at my dad and saking him if he is coming back, and him smiling/loughing he looked at me said " I have to go to work" I remember him leaving and feeling scared, feeling like maybe that will be our goodbye. When I woke up he came up and I huged him, I huged him tight. I was so scared. A few years later you became sad, you weren't happy anymore. You would be sick and you though dad didn't care. Mom i'm sorry I never saw your pain. Mom i'm sorry that I could't be the girl you want me to be.

Mom, I was bullied, I was hurt, I was done with life, I was ready to give up. But mom I didn't, you know why because I knew I wasn't ready, I was not leaving the people who need me the most.

Mom, My farther might not text me or call me since I moved in with you across country, going from californa to a small town. I knew he wasn't happy. I couldn't sand hearing him cry because it made me feel worst about myself.

Mom, I love you and never forget that.

And mom I know, I know that we are happy now, we have no worries in the world, you want me to have everything.

But mom I have everything I could ever ask for.

Mom, I am happy were I am.

P.S Dear Mom, I love you, I will not give up, not now, not ever.

And that is a promise

I'm sorry I'm like this
I genuinely feel insane
Because I love you so ******* much
But sometimes the bad stuff is consuming
And yet I just numbed myself with pain
Then took a couple dabs
And my positive emotions are starting to flow more freely
So I want to tell you now in case this fades again

I love you
Undeniably
I want to spend forever with you
Always
I'm scared to say I need you
But I know it's true

And I'm sorry I've been an *******
These states of mind scare me too
Which probably just makes it worse
But I'm really going to try this
For you and for me
Change is really intense
But for you I'd try anything

I dont know why this hurt so bad
We weren't even connected in any way
I was just her friend
And i was just a little in love with you
But you would never know
I never told you or dropped any form of hint
There was no inkling of feelings from you
So I dont understand why my heart shattered when she told me
That you and him were together
I never wouldve considered him as your type
But I guess I really was just her friend
I never knew you nor did i really get the chance
and its just causing confusion from my end

Am i just jealous?
Am i just hurt?
I don't even know
All i know is that i wish that it was me making you happy and not him
I know that I dread the possibility of him coming in May
I know that I still have feelings for you
And that this really ******* hurts