Dear mom

Mom I reamemer all the memories, you told me when you saw me the first time you said I was beautiful. You smile so bright, like I was an angle. Mom you and dad fought alot and I was so young I didn't know what was going on. Mom now I know, now I see the pain and the tears you have cried. Mom I reamemer sitting there looking at my dad and saking him if he is coming back, and him smiling/loughing he looked at me said " I have to go to work" I remember him leaving and feeling scared, feeling like maybe that will be our goodbye. When I woke up he came up and I huged him, I huged him tight. I was so scared. A few years later you became sad, you weren't happy anymore. You would be sick and you though dad didn't care. Mom i'm sorry I never saw your pain. Mom i'm sorry that I could't be the girl you want me to be.

Mom, I was bullied, I was hurt, I was done with life, I was ready to give up. But mom I didn't, you know why because I knew I wasn't ready, I was not leaving the people who need me the most.

Mom, My farther might not text me or call me since I moved in with you across country, going from californa to a small town. I knew he wasn't happy. I couldn't sand hearing him cry because it made me feel worst about myself.

Mom, I love you and never forget that.

And mom I know, I know that we are happy now, we have no worries in the world, you want me to have everything.

But mom I have everything I could ever ask for.

Mom, I am happy were I am.

P.S Dear Mom, I love you, I will not give up, not now, not ever.

And that is a promise

I'm sorry I'm like this
I genuinely feel insane
Because I love you so ******* much
But sometimes the bad stuff is consuming
And yet I just numbed myself with pain
Then took a couple dabs
And my positive emotions are starting to flow more freely
So I want to tell you now in case this fades again

I love you
Undeniably
I want to spend forever with you
Always
I'm scared to say I need you
But I know it's true

And I'm sorry I've been an *******
These states of mind scare me too
Which probably just makes it worse
But I'm really going to try this
For you and for me
Change is really intense
But for you I'd try anything

I dont know why this hurt so bad
We weren't even connected in any way
I was just her friend
And i was just a little in love with you
But you would never know
I never told you or dropped any form of hint
There was no inkling of feelings from you
So I dont understand why my heart shattered when she told me
That you and him were together
I never wouldve considered him as your type
But I guess I really was just her friend
I never knew you nor did i really get the chance
and its just causing confusion from my end

Am i just jealous?
Am i just hurt?
I don't even know
All i know is that i wish that it was me making you happy and not him
I know that I dread the possibility of him coming in May
I know that I still have feelings for you
And that this really ******* hurts

I am God's one, and only mistake.
If our lord is perfect, why would he curse the world with my existence?
When i exist solely to bring pain and suffering unto others, what kind of sick joke was he playing at?

I hope one day my parents realise, that although i was the only planned baby they had out of 3, i was the only mistake they made in having. Im sure my parents are real proud of the monster their son becomes around woman. Im sure they're proud of their verbally abusive, short tempered, selfish and cold son...

I hope that one day peoples open their eyes and see the truth for whats inside me and not what i show them on the outside, i want them all to look at my grave one day and be thankful that the world was rid of a demon that day, that satan had finally recoiled and taken back his child.

Life is nothing but a series of moments that exist to remind ourselves we still feel something.

Right now all i feel is pain, drowning, and anger, i hate this body, i curse this mind, maybe if i wish upon a star, i can go back in time, and stop things from going this far

We were silently sitting
In such a busy afternoon.
The silence, it was hitting me.
I never knew what would come too soon.
What happened, my only boy best friend?
The knowledge between us,
It will never be the same.
My blind eyes and blind heart,
I just loved only one.
Best friends are who we are.
We cannot take it far.
The difference of his and yours,
I cannot even see. I’m blind.
You were like twins,
But I was the reason why.
Why me? Why me? Why me??
Why, my loving dear friend?
Why me? Why me? Why me?
Nothing could have been happening,
Yet I’ve been worrying.
I’ve hurt you all this time.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I never went deeper and loved.
I loved the knowledge of us…
Being just friends.
Too bad, I loved you too,
I adored you, my friend.
And even wondered if…
You would love me back.
Even wondered if you know.
Even if you wanted to know.
But you don’t.... You don’t.
Cause I loved spending my time…
With you cause you always been there.
But, you don’t know.
If you see this, you might cry.
Please, leave you emotions
Like how your tears will dry.
Hoping you’ll forget me.
I don’t deserve your love.
I left and I left this love untold.
Cause what would you feel?
Cause, I confess that…
I cannot accept this truth. Just can’t.
My words are like knives.
I sharpen them whenever I don’t know.
I threw them blindly to the air...
Not knowing where it would hit.
Until, blood came out of your heart.
This is a game of love
Where only one prince and princess win...
Or nobody gets the crown.
And for you to win,
Just rise and love someone else back.
I’ll be happy even if my heart splits in two.
It all comes back. It really does.
“I loved the knowledge of being just friends...”
Love me but I shouldn’t love you back.
I’m sorry. I love you too,
But, I just can’t.
I’m sorry…

I don't think I'm in love with him.
Not anymore, at least.
Now it's more than just him.
I think I'm in love with love.
Being in love,
Feeling loved,
Knowing that someone is there.
Holding hands in a crowded hallway
With confidence.
A kiss that wasn't a cruel dare.
Someone to wipe away tears,
Steady my breathing,
Something more.
It's just that
He was the first time I met love,
But now I feel like we're strangers.
He was the reason I pushed love away.
And now love has left me.

I've found that searching doesn't do much good.

Yes, I can stay here just like this,
And keep doing this to myself over and over, forever.
Eventually my mind will break.
Eventually I'll lose it and I can stop loving you like this.
Every single word that burns my ears leaves them ringing,
Because each time you do,
I know that's the last time I'll hear it.
Eventually I'll be deaf.  
Then I will stop hearing your song.
Then I can stop loving you like this.
Eventually I'll learn to associate your name with pain,
So that I flinch back at it,
So that I'm scared to come around,
All that will be left is a rainbow over a dead, burnt, empty field, amidst a gray sky,
And I'll wonder why it continues to shine it's colors in the darkness,
So deep light cannot escape it,
Then you will not reach me,
Then I can stop loving you like this.