Today I will fake a smile
Today I will say "I'm Fine"
When it is all a lie
I will act like everything is ok
when the demons in my head are fighting
I will look at you and smile
When in the inside i'm dying
I will say I'm ok
When in reality
I'm not fine
This is me faking everything
This is me pretending to be the "Strong girl"
I don't know if I can keep all of this to myself
I don't know if I can keep fighting
someone: hey how are you?
me: I'm fine
That will always be my #1 lie
You gived me love
You saved me from myself
You showed the world
You showed me that I could trust you
But all that goes though my head is
What if you hurt me?
What if I hurt you?
What if it doesn't work
What if? Just What if?
With depression you can't just think postive it doesn't work that way. Depression is there it never leaves, with depression you can't get ride of it. You can't just think happy trust me if it worked that it would be a blessing, but it doesnt. Thats why people with depression have to get help and take meds for it. That's why I need help and take meds it keeps away the bad thoughs. And F.Y.I its not an episode there is no such thing as a episode. Trust I would know. You don't understand what people go through when it comes with depression. We get bad though, and we wish it would go away, but it doesn't thats why we talk about it because it helps. I need help, I know I do because if I don't get help then i'll be scared for the rest of life. I used to hate being alone and now I can care less if I am alone or not. Thats what happens. Depression is a disorder which means you can't get rid of it. It stays with you forever.
And when someone is having an anxity or depression, don't just say "oh it will get better" "just think postive it helps" or "its just a phase it will go away". It is not something that you can just say it will be ok it will go away, or I'm fine nothing is wrong with me. Because that does not help.
Or if we say "i'm fine" it really means help me
Or if we say "I'm ok" It really means i'm broken
Or if we say "oh i'm not hungry" it means i'm giving up
or if we say "I'm tired" it really means I'm tired of everything and everyone
so listen to what I say and what I mean by it. If you hear me say I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm tired,or I'm not hungry. Then that's when you want to keep an eye on me, watch how I act and make sure i'm ok.
The golden boy
Who is the star
Who is good at everything
Who the coach relay on
If you get hurt the coach gets angery
Every girl wants you
But not this one
Why? you may ask
It is because you are the star
And i'm not
You have a huge group of friends
And I don't
Why should that matter?
Because your the golden boy
Everyone looks up to you
If you fail a test
Coach gets mad
If you get in a fight
Coach gets angery
He counts on you
Just like everyone else here
But I don't because there is more in you then just being the "golden boy"
The golden boy
When my phone lights up I hope its you, but when I turn it on I see there isn't a message from you.
I get sad and I put it down, then I make a wish that you would call me again like old times.
But all we have our the memories that still haunt me.
When I hear your name my smile disappear and the thoughs come back.
I wish you could see me, I wish you could hear me and I wish you were mine again.
I miss you.
My phone lighs up
I don't bother to look at it.
But how would I know it was gonna be you this time.
How would of I know that you would call me this time.
How would of I known that you called to get me back.
That is what I though anyway.
You only called to tell me...to leave you alone.
That was the day I couldn't sleep.
I couldn't eat.
I couldn't stop crying.
Because you said thoses words
Those words that broke me
to this day
Fot that call
just maybe, just maybe
want me back
just as much as I want you back
I wait for a text or a call
But still nothing
Today I learn the word beautiful
I didn't know what it mean't
because I was never called beautiful
yeah I mean my mom and dad said it, but I never believed them.
But today is different, today I looked in the mirror and didn't see the broken girl.
Instead I saw me
The girl I am supposed to be
I didn't think I would ever see her again
But she looked at me and said
You are beautiful and you should believe it because its true.
You are worth it
You need to smile more because that smile could make someone day
That smile isn't ugly its beautiful.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
I feel like myself for once
Thats my name
That is who I am
People act like they don't see me
People tell me I shouldn't be alive
People call me a no body
I'm just helping out
I am who I am
If you don't like
Then don't talk to me
It's as easy as that
But not for them
They still call me that to this day