Her hand rests above her heart
Grasping for something that ain't there
But in her mind, she remembers that cross her father gave her
She does that whenever the weight of the world drapes over her shoulders
And when that dark cloud pitter patters rain onto her head
Inhaling the troubles that will come
And exhaling once her tears have dried
Her face as blank as a canvas before the artist splashes the paint
Yet through the windows to her soul, you see how hard life is beating on her
Breaking her spirit
But of course, she simply decorates her face with a smile that never quite reaches her eyes

And says, "I'm fine."

I go to sleep tired
and wake up exhausted.
But I still carry on each day as normal
and pretend that I'm okay,
so you don't have to feel this way.

- Keeping to myself to protect all else

I forgot that it stung,
Silver against my skin.
But the tickle up my nose,
Makes me feel okay again.

My heart is still bleeding,
Unsuccessful with moving on.
Thinking of you under the night sky,
Staring blissfully until dawn.

And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll let you knock me down to size. I'll stop this ugly petty show. I won't ask you to empathize.

And if tomorrow comes for me, I won't be so self absorbed, I'll do more for you and them, I won't leave you so ignored.

And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll tell my Dad it's not his fault. I'll take the blame for my side of things, I'll be more grateful for what he brought.

And if tomorrow comes for me, I'll fight the urge to rediscover what that needle's all about, I'll leave that up to another.

(and I won't have to write that note apologizing to my mother.)

And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll take the time to treat you right. I'll back off when you are tired, I'll back you up in the fight.

But today is no good, there's nothing left, I'm all alone. I burned each bridge back to life, I've blocked the route to hope and love. So, so long, goodbye tomorrow, I wont be there if you come. Tonight, I'm here, freeing you, as I become a setting sun. Just like that stupid song that was sang by Neil Young.

Snared upon a rusted hook
A hook that's known as Doubt
Deep in my skin
It stays within
As blood slowly seeps out

Thrashing against it's tangled hold
Is how I used to fight
But now I lay
In disarray
Sinking deeper into my plight

Closing my eyes I hear them well
The words they screeched and sang
Fatty, ******
Liar, Doozy
Deep in my mind these rang

I'm tired of my empty shell
Their opinions are quite right
I'm finally done
My demons won
I'll forever be out of your sight

After what we have ends,
I want you to know
that I'm okay.
I don't cry myself to sleep
neither do I stalk you on facebook

I don't talk to my friends about you
I don't stare at the pictures we took

I don't daydream about what could have been
I don't even remember that look...

That look you gave me when
you first saw me

the same look you gave me
when you said goodbye

The look you always gave me
when I wasn't even looking

The look I always loved..

I forgot it.

I'm taking my life. to the pawnshop on a dusty summer-fall morning
     Because at this point I'm not sure what to use it for anymore
               And they'll give me cash for trash
   Like a mountain of crushed cans in exchange for a dream money can buy in a clear plastic baggie

What if someone was out there?
Someone to wipe your tears
Someone to teach you new meaning of "I'm okay"
Someone to show you what happiness was
What if someone was out there?
Would you then come off that ledge?

Still stuck in this hole
I'm starting to like it down here

I'm going out for a bit
No, just up the hill
I won't be long
Don't worry
I know it's dark out, but I'll be okay
I can see the house from there

Of course what I mean is

I need a break from my family
No, I'm just going somewhere quiet and dark
I'll take as long as I need
Leave me alone
Yeah, of course it's dark, that's why I like it. Just shut up and let me be
I'm not even far away, you're overreacting!

Six missed calls, but I have my earbuds in and my music blasting
The same song on repeat
I came to write poetry, maybe some song lyrics
This is the pen I stole from the library
I scribble with it but the stupid thing won't write
It's freaking Broken
Now I know how He felt
He stole my freaking heart just to find out that it was already Broken
I hate being Broken
All I wanted was to come here and write
But I get lost in the tune
I finish drinking my sugarless chai tea that I brought with me
Every time I tip my head back to take a sip, I see the stars better
Forget writing, for just half an hour
Forget life
Forget school, and work, and deadlines and everything
Just forget it all
Let it go
Look at the beautiful stars
Pulling up my knee high boots
I get over my paranoia of being watched, or stalked
Nobody is hiding behind the tree or in the shadows, waiting to pounce
No one is going to attack me while I'm sitting on this bench in the darkness in the late evening
I'll be fine
I watch the winter frost along the tips of the grass sparkle and shimmer
The stars are so magnificent
I put the same song on repeat
A song that doesn't tell a clear story, but I can relate to any situation
I've listened to it since elementary school
And here I am years and years later
It is still saving me from myself
I am feeling broken and hollow
I hate myself, I hate life, I hate hating my face, I hate feeling so worthless
But forget that for a minute
I stop checking the time and I ignore the strange looks I get from the residents in the windows of the houses surrounding this little park area watching me and wondering why I'm out here so late all alone
I'm ugly, I'm cold, I'm stupid, I'm a waste of space
I don't deserve life
I don't deserve to talk to anyone
I don't deserve to annoy anyone with my existence
I don't deserve respect, or love, or loyalty or happiness
I think this daily.
I feel bad about freaking cars having to go to the trouble of stopping for me even when I have right of way at a crosswalk
But I have on my black comfy leggings
My black tank top,
My black slouchy cardigan
My black knit tuque
My lips are still slightly stained a faded red from this morning
My eyes are heavily outlined in black
The black is comfy for me
It makes me feel safer
I blend in with the night
I feel happier when I put all the black I have inside, on the outside instead
It's always better to externalize the darkness
Somehow, even though it looks pretty depressing, it helps
I stand up and begin pacing
I turn up the music and inhale, deeply
The winter air bites at my lungs, stinging my skin with its bitter icy fingertips
I let the cold seep into my breathing
To freeze all that burning self-loathing
I force a smile on my face
Somehow, in this dim starlight
I can see Peace so much better than in the sunlight
I breathe so deeply in until I can't intake anymore air
My lungs are at their limit
The smile I'm forcing stops being forced as the winter air and the music's melody washes away all those horrible Broken feelings
A strange feeling overtakes me as I wander around, pacing in spirals with my head tipped upwards, my eyes dancing along the constellations and the shining moon
Maybe the moon isn't whole tonight, but it still shines bright
Maybe I'm not whole, but that doesn't mean I can't shine bright
My phone is ringing, but forget that.
I can't stop smiling, I'm walking around in curvy lines my eyes staring up in wonder, my arms slightly spread
I'm happy
Oh my gosh, I'm happy
I almost laugh, I can't believe the burden is lifted.
The car pulls up, and I realize I've been gone longer than I meant
They've been searching for me.
They're angry, but I'm inexplicably happy
I smile and nod, then saunter home, my music still playing
The Happy feeling doesn't linger too long, but even when it fades out,
For the rest of the night
I'm left in a neutral state
Not *my neutral state, which is just sadness,
But a happy person's neutral state
Truly not unhappy
Peace.
That's all I wanted.
And I got it, tonight.