Somewhere along the way,
My heart has stopped longing for
Your warmth and love,
The demons that run riots in my soul
No longer confide in your monsters.
I don't know you anymore and
I don't know
How to tell you that.

you smell like clean soap.
cold, soft hands
and skin that is wrinkled with worry.

your eyes shadow your cheeks.
i made you worry,
i'm so sorry
did i disappoint you today?

if you knew
what i know

would you care less?

i don't need a cup of water
no- i don't deserve one.
because my tiredness is made up of lies,
and my productivity is an endless maze of recycled warmth.

i am selfish.
i push myself underwater because i like the feeling of oxygen leaving my lungs.

GO AWAY
and
LEAVE ME ALONE
because
I HATE YOU

hello
your eyes seem to shadow your cheeks.
i made you worry,
but you smell like clean soap.
i'm so sorry.
did i disappoint you today?

the shadows the sun cast when it rises,
way beyond down
there I am

stuck as a soul can be on a plane not meant for the unsure,
I grab onto other souls who know what to do with their existence,
and ask, is this for me too?

no, no
it doesn't feel right
breathing here doesn't feel right
every breath feels forced, just to survive, because i need to.
but they breathe because they've found it

the purpose of their souls,


I think mine was lost.

wear watches without a battery
because the days can’t tick if the arms don’t move
nothing really has to move
in fact, it was all just a figment of our imagination

on this day i got out of bed
and i saw a dead person
i shut my eyes because it wasn’t real
none of this was ever real

tell me how to stop forcing myself to feel something
tell me why i must pretend to make it mean something

tell me about how the number thirteen always meant something special
tell me about how the number thirteen made you feel something

how do i tell Him that i don’t believe in him
but that i believe in you
how do i tell you that i don’t remember the sound of your voice

from he was a good man
to he was Probably a good man
you aren’t a god
He isn’t even a god
who is the real god here?
how unfortunate it must be
living in two worlds at once

i’ll let grandma know about my conversations with god

blink hospital room
blink grandma’s screaming
blink pray and everything will be okay
blink

i don’t remember the first day

blink burgundy rug
blink mama’s screaming
blink first grade teacher
blink standing over your grave
blink

i don’t remember the last day

I tell myself it's okay,
Even when the tears are streaming down my face.
Even though inside I'm falling apart.
I paste a smile on my face,
To hide the broken heart that's in it's place.
My forced laughter fills the empty space.
I tell myself it's okay,
Just to mask the pain.

They call us Madrasis
Incarcerated Buddhas
Not Cholas nor the Devadasis
But agglomerated Cheras.
Who knew the Pandyas, anyway?

They call us Archetypes
On Iridescent Thalis
Of Sambars and rice cakes in thin stripes
Slurping on leafy banana like malis.
Who knew the God’s Own Country anyway?

They call us Annas
Sandalwood Veerappans
Lemon for Evil at four annas
Skirting Lungi blooms and Hairy Chappans*
Where is Madras anyway!

The truth brings you a pain I don't wish for you to suffer;
Lie to me and tell me I'm beautiful, for I will readily accept it.