So a guy asked me out the other day, but I was so scared he'd be too much like you that I said "no," and I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult anymore.

let's take a walk.
a walk back to history.
yes i'm aware that's in the past and clearly the past means nothing to you but at one point it did so please at least pretend to be attentive.

well we can start with
the day we met.
oh did you think that was something i could forget?
don't try telling me you don't know what i'm talking about-- we're both well aware of your memory.

kennywood park.
somehow both of our groups met up and we got to talking. only small chit chat. we ended up riding the phantom together. i pretended to be forced into it but not gonna lie i liked you. you made me feel something.
at the time that ****** me off. having a feeling made me mad. keep in mind i was a ******* then.
you liked me too. i knew it and that made me even more upset. i was a ***** to its truest definition. you liked me at my absolute worst.
at one point i was so awful that i finally pushed you away. honestly, i was upset that you stopped trying but i was in even more shock that you tried in the first place-- i mean, look at me. (i know you can't bare to anymore so i'm sorry.)
after my ***** phase, you were long gone and i pretended not to notice but here i am still telling you about it.
i hit rock bottom. i was in the middle of the ocean and i was touching some sort of ground and let me tell you it was deep but i guess mentally i had a choice in it all. i didn't mean to choose depression but i guess i must have. by the way i am an awful swimmer and i knew that diving in but maybe i wasn't hoping to come out alive.

so anyways, yes i was sad all of the time and no i could never figure out an answer of why. i tried to blame it on my friend dying and sometimes the way other people treated me but let's be honest here, i deserved all of that and truly i was just ****** up. still am though. but in that darkness of it all sometimes i got to see this little bit of light. i started to realize that you were often there when this light was on.
this one night we were at a fire together and it's funny because something else sparked between us and we had our own fire. ours lit up my dark room and **** it was nice to see again.
we kept talking and talking and more led to more and then we got into some deep **** but i wasn't scared of the deep end anymore because i knew i could trust you.
oh my. when you asked me on our first date i couldn't even handle it anymore. even my darkest corners were radiating with happiness. i had absolutely no temptation to go back down under.
and thank you. thank you thank you thank you. seeing above the water was so nice. i finally got a taste for life instead of salt water. and i was addicted. completely obsessed. i know you noticed it because you knew it wasn't a game anymore and maybe that's where i started to lose you.
i actually have no ******* clue where i lost you i'm just kind of on this guess and check process. and it's really ******* hard. i guess i'm good at math but only when it's equations and **** that makes sense but honestly i've used every reference sheet i've been given to try and figure this one out and i can't ******* get it. it's been bothering me. i can't stop scratching at my skin and pulling out my hair. i don't even mean to. i don't start to pick up on what i'm doing until an hour later and it starts to burn. but that's fine i can manage that. what i'm asking for you is some sort of clue. i need an answer jake and i don't know how much longer i can take until i go back under. i know i can't rely on you as my floatation device but i've found some stand-in replacements for the time being. i'll be okay. please just give me your solution. i am officially begging you i need this. i know you don't care about me anymore but i know you once did so please help me out just one last time.
i know you aren't who you were anymore because time changes us all but come on help a ******* girl out. i used to be your favorite girl in the world. doesn't that mean anything to you anymore? i guess not.
i can feel these floaties beginning to lose air and honestly i don't know how much i care. i think i'm starting to go back under. i'm pretty sure i told you i can't swim well. i'm sure you remember. maybe you're beginning to form a selective memory to try to forget everything behind us. i know. i'm trying too but this is definitely a scenario of easier said than done.
my goodness i forgot how much i liked the taste of salt water and i really do enjoy this darkness. i guess this is goodbye..

*side note: you loved me through a lot, jake. and thank you. you've changed me as a person and i can say i have no regrets. but you loved me through my worst and to my best. but then you started going downhill. you're changing and that's all okay i understand. but you loved me at rock bottom and now that you're just in a little bump you expect me to leave? i pushed you away at one point and then you came back and look at what blossomed between us. i don't know where to go. i know i can love you through this but i'm not sure if you actually want me to. you're so much stronger than me and mentally you could deal with all of my havoc but my biggest weakness is how i think of myself so i don't know how much longer i can stick around. i'm sorry. please give me something to work with.

How much can you love someone?
why cant I just leave and be done?
why do I have so many questions..
not a doctor but I think I have depression.

Im stuck, inlove and in pain.
I once took a blade to my vain.
I wanted it to stop.
I just felt sad enough to drop.

I was blinded by a boy.
who acted like I was nothing but a whorish toy.
I still loved him, it could have just been the fact that he was my first.
I hated myself I hated him but he was the answer to my thirst.

How do you get ride of your thoughts.
the one that for the longest of time you fought.
it is shameful I know this but it is also a lesson.
even if its all done you can feel the lingering essen.

it's not right.
for you or for me.
but regardless,
here we are.

and there we go.

it's not right.
but it's right here.
so here we are.
and we'll never go back.

i can give you
everything
that you want

except
my heart.

Since then, I've been better.
Looking back now
I realize just how sad I made myself.
I should have been letting them in
I should have been trying to be happy.
But I realize now that I wanted to feel sad.
Feeling sad, it was my poor excuse at a now.
I wanted to be something, so I became a monster.
Only it was too late that I realized I always have been.
Now that I'm letting them in,
I feel happy.
I feel slightly less lonely.
Slightly
There are still those days,
when too many things are running through my head.
All I can think is, "get your razor."
And I'll wait, until it's dark in my room,
until the sun has gone down.
It doesn't happen as much anymore.
They help......my friends.
Friends that I was keeping at a distance before,
Afraid that they'd leave as soon as I let them in.
But they're still here, they're still the same.
Only now there's less hurt.
Before it was hurt, witty words and playful fists.
Empty threats and I hate you's.
Now we have more hugs,
because I finally hugged back.
And she was so surprised.
Now he smiles at me, and I feel butterflies.
But I also feel shame.
Because he used to belong to her.
Even before he did.
They were best friends for years, she'd loved him....
Does she Love him still?
Do I?
Because naturally, as soon as one problem is resolved,
Another must come.