​
i am trapped.
trapped in my own mind and trapped in this family.
overprotective is what you are.
i can’t grow, i can’t spread my wings and be free.
i am numb, to the point of no return.

let me be. free me from this misery.
because i don’t think i can take it anymore.
i’ve debated a million times in my head if i should leave.
runaway from this place.

maybe then i’ll be happy, but what if i'm not?
living in this world is stressful.
worrying about what other people think of me.
trying to live up to the standard that is our society today.

worry about my hopeless future.
there’s no point anymore.
no point in living in this tragedy.
i shall take this gun to my head and remove myself from this tragedy once and for all.
god, let me join you.

My mind swirls in an endless trance, I see empty faces. I look at the food situated in front of me. I look at the people that I once loved, but all I see are strangers. They never truly understood me. I want to puke. Instead, I push away from the table and walk to my room, people knock and try to open the door but I need to be alone. I can’t be here right now. I jump out the window and run. I run as far as I can. I turn the corner and keep running. I cross the street and I keep running. My feet hit the ground, my lungs yell for respite that I can’t bring myself to give them. I collapse when I can’t breathe anymore. I lay on the grass of my favorite place in the world. The park, I can be alone here, no one comes here anymore, not since they destroyed all the equipment. I look around at the grass that never seems to end. I lay on it, crying. “I am truly alone,” I say to myself, as I drift to sleep.

I look through my heart.
When will the plague stop blocking my true feeling that hides in the far corners?
I look for art.
But all I find are mourners of emotions.

When will I find the sweet respite of hopes reassuring grasp?
Where will I find the sweet fruit that is a release from the pain I feel inside.
The pain floods in and freezes my soul like cold water, making me gasp.
I look for some a small piece of insight, of when I might be released from the iron hold of sadness its hold grip so tight.

I watch the shadows grow larger from my window.
With it, my fears grow until they cloud my vision.
I feel like a mother that has been widowed.
Of her husband, I feel a loss beyond comprehension, it makes me feel as though I am in owe to feel the pain night brings.

I curl under my blankets, trying to melt the ice growing in my soul.
I drift into a dark sleep trying to find my good friend hope.
But all I see are gaping holes.
I wait for someone to walk in and take away my pain, but like everything else I am let down, there was never anything to help.

I sought out just what I've become

Numb to trepidation, apposed to emotions
I choke on sensations, opening to oceans
Of blood soaked remnants I can't fathom
Begin to comprehend, or otherwise justify
To myself

And It's square on my shoulders

If I like it or not

Sating my lust for life, finding out how
To revel in spite, in spite of myself, honestly
Grating, the thoughts that haunt me through
Sleepless hours and all the mindless rambling I do
To myself

I wanted to change, and I did

I did change

Bought at the current rate
Life condensed to a price
I wanted everyone to pay
Besides me. Never me

I thought it free, until someone came around with
The promise that they'd take it all away

Breaking ground, like the words I said
What I say in my day to day
Breaking ground, foray into something
I'd call a grave mistake

Try to justify it, screaming at the sky
Trying hard to hide what I swear I left behind
Blame it on society. A scapegoat that never falters
Hurdles that I prayed would change, and yet
They never falter
So, I blame it on you, and then you blame it on me

I blame it on myself

...

I blame myself.

What it always comes down to

And I turned into what I had always planned to turn into
Go figure.