Someone once told me
that butterflies only live for a year
so could you tell the ones you left in my stomach
that they've overstayed their welcome?

After you left, I catch myself running my fingers
over the things you touched the most.
I just want to feel the warmth of your fingertips.
I just want to know if the sound of my heartbeat
still sounds like windchimes to you.
—J.N

it was my cigarette break
when i wrote down on a lipstick stained napkin
every sight of the smoker's lounge
i fought so faithfully to make out you face through the mask
of smoke you hid behind,
but since i could not tell who you were
i made up who i wanted you to be
and now i can pretend that i'm the one running the game
after my last hurrah that ended in my typical
hissy fit that a man did not worship me
(even when i ignored him and gave him my cold shoulder, i expect the world)
but it is you with the eyes that taunt
i, your cigarette,
wrapped ever so intricately between your index and middle
i- your drag
but you are the fire that boils my water
the force behind my words,
my fear,
the ruination of my reputation
for being closed off so much so
but these are too complex of thoughts for an afternoon smoke
and you seem to pick up on that, too
easing me back to my state of cold, bitter
your cough the only thing that echoes on.

it is difficult
to find the right words
when you don't want to be with somebody
and yet
when you envision them with another
your bones are rattled with urgency;
a feeling that occupies places in your body
you didn't know existed
the type of thing you can't seem to shake off
you feel it under your skin
and then, you are faced with two options:
do you send him away because you don't truly love him?
or do you become selfish
trailing him around like dead weight
knowing full well nothing will become of it
but wanting to drag it out for as long as possible
I looked you in the eye,
felt your hands linger around my neck
and knew in my heart I would only bring you pain as I have others
but foolishly I clung to you like you were gold,
not knowing that once you left
the fools gold I had mistaken you as
would turn out real, promising
now you and I(because there is no "us")
sit amongst mixed company,
you in the back of the blue kia,
I in the passengers
your eyes bore into the back of mine
I look out the window to drown you out
and as you notice my disengagement
you reach your hands to the back of my neck
wanting to make me better again
wanting me to save you from the grasp of my rigid behavior
but how the **** can I save you when you were the one who was going to save me?
don't touch my neck like you never left
don't touch my heart
don't make me shiver under your embrace
because it was you I had to myself
and it was you that I lost

it was then that i saw you were gone
that i let you slip through my fingers like sand
and that same sand collected at the bottom of the hour glass
i became mesmerized
obsessed
when would the glass be filled with the gritty substance so i can flip you over
and we can go back to square one
like the strangers we are
and the sand keeps dripping until you come again
because i can pretend that i know you
and that our souls are somehow synced up
but when it's all said and done
and i lie alone on a Friday night
wondering why you haven't materialized in front of my eyes
i know there will be no more visits by my ruin
my ruin
the one who can do no wrong in my eyes
but will leave me with bumps and bruises and aches
my ruin
who left one day and never came back
whose presence was not felt in four months
until now
i haven't felt you calling
since September
something is reaching out to me
calling you to my attention
you need me
or you want to believe you do

I was never
A demanding man
Or a smothering being.
I was never
A shameful soul
Or a jealous person.

...that is, until us.

I was never
Your ruler
Or the breeze that took
Your breath away.
I was never
Some cruel cur
And I was never
The one to question
Who you were with
Or where you were.

Love brings out the best
In a few of us
And it makes a huge mess
Of the rest of us.
I was never the one
To pick up a gun
And put holes in the heart
I had promised to love.

I have gone on days
Stumbling down alleyways
Rummaging the ground to find
Any footprints you have left behind
To illuminate this path I've taken
And ease the pain of a love forsaken

Unwillingly,
I will spend the rest of my life
looking for something that cannot me found.

The way you never cease to smile,
the way your nose wrinkles when you're confused,
or the way you grip my hair when you
fold me into your arms,
and laugh to hard,
and get too close for comfort,
and manage to brighten a room
without doing a thing,
and never understanding the use of a semi-colon.
Or, how you could never seem
to write your sentences correctly
and end up rambling on and on
until I can hear your thoughts through cold lips.

Can I just say,
I will spend the rest of my life,
hoping to find another you.

The Big Dipper
Dripped starlight
Into the silent
Dark pines.

Orion shot his
Arrow right on
Target into my
Cracked heart.

The Milky Way
Ceased to run its course
And instead
Spilled your name into the sky.

And still, the North Star
Kept on sparkling
Reminding me of
A stability like yours.

It was cloudless and
Moonless and the
Meteor showers were over
But not the hole in my chest.

The only hope I
Had left was that
Somewhere in the world
You saw the same stars.

Its 12 am
And I'm dreaming of your eyes
How I wish they were peering into mine
Instead I'm peering into an empty bottle of *****
Wondering when things got so bad
Where did I go wrong
I blame myself
I wish you would miss me
Like I miss you
I wish you were still around
So our bodies can tangle and twist
An wind into a mess
of lost love