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i’m one month clean.

soon to be ruined because it’s unhealthy and i’m all about slowing killing myself.  


brb. . .

going to throw up . . .
jokes. but not really
Gray Dawson Nov 2019
I feel over my glass body
Everyday

Looking for the cracks
I'm sure will show again one day

Don't get too close to people
What if they try to crack me

I run my hand over the last crack
Like the last time

I open up and people are nice for a while
But then they turn

They lash out at me
And their words leave cracks

Broken and afraid
I stay away

It happens again and again
And my glass body is far too cracked

It can't be helped if I have to stick alone
It's the way I must live
Gray Dawson Nov 2019
Drown the child in the holy water
It must be a demon cause it struggles beneath the hand
It wants to live
Let it go limp
Dreamy pink and blue surrounds the child in the water
Watch as the light leaves it's eyes
And the colors fill it
At least now it won't ask so many questions
Gray Dawson Nov 2019
I am shaking
Fearful, as the shouts grow louder
Every breath leaves me aching
The hourglass has begun to fall slower and slower by the hour

Reality has crumbled into mere dust sliding through my fingers
Wordless, soundless, screaming
Avoiding the empty, shattered mirrors
Left to pace between thoughts, as my hands do the cleaning

I cut my arms on glass, but I'm not seeing the bleeding
Dripping down my arms from my veins are jokes gone wrong
Sitting, in the glass poured over me, I'm leaping
It won't be too long

I've done a bad thing and I can't be forgiven
I am smiling at the spots in my vision that look like stars
I'm dancing, swaying, to an unknown etheral rthym
The whispers are seeping through my gray walls

Words have become a mush of meaningless *******
I hear the floors loosen and soon I am falling through
Ego tandem videre stellas
Ad astra per aspera
Gray Dawson Nov 2019
What's next?
A **** test?
Why do we do this?
God, the things I miss

I used to see beautiful colours every time we met
Now all I see is an edge
Why did it have to end like this?
I yearn for one more kiss

What happened to us?
Your words still leave me with cuts
I'm sorry
The sky reminds me of you, so starry

Everything reminds me of you
That's true
I wish I could just let go
Say adios

But no
You keep coming to my head to steal the show
I cry tears of grief
Every night so the pain will ease

Try to make it up to you
But you say we are through
I'm trying to mend things
Let us try to spread our wings

You will of course refuse
I always lose
You are the king
and I, nothing

I'm losing my mind
A part of me has died
I stand on an edge
Ready to be led

I climb over the rail
God, why did I fail
I close my eyes
I'm sorry for all the lies

I say goodbye
I'm sorry I was so sly
I take a step
Why are you still in my head

I'm plunging towards the water
The sounds of your voice grow stronger
I rushing to my death
This was the test

Thank god
I am dead
Gray Dawson Nov 2019
Open those cracked lips
And let out croaks and painful yelps

Drag that bruised and bloodied hand
Against the stained floorboards

Flinch into the boot in the ribs
And let those purple tears swell

Give a broken smile
As you speak misery to me
Robby Nov 2019
Who am I today
Which personality has emerged from sleeping eyes
I don’t recognize this face
Or these mannerisms

Have I dissociated further
Shall I continue down this swirling vortex of psyches
How far can I or will I go
What evil things have I planned for myself?
f Nov 2019
first adult therapy session went... well.
she gave me her personal phone number which i haven’t texted yet. my number one goal is getting my momma’s ashes mailed to me. she’s going to send me the link and instructions. i just gotta text her first. i also want to grieve her properly and find some closure. then the social phobia is another goal, the therapist said she could help me find things to control the panic attacks myself. then to go to the gym by myself is the last goal.
momma, you and i will be reunited soon. i love you, and feel you with me. i hope you’re proud of me. haven’t self harmed in like 2-4 months idk, but that’s good.
11 - 24 19
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