On A Diet

The country is on a diet,
drinking coke with no sugar,
eating burgers with no bun,
running on the treadmill;
it's powdered protein for lunch.
It's straight tequila in the evening,
a light head and guilty fries at night.

The country is on a diet,
doing yoga over yoghurt pots,
training their minds with sudoku and solitaire,
rubbing salt and condition into their hair.
It's 6 a.m. gym sessions,
it's squats on the living room floor,
the country is on a diet, my friends,
and so we have no time for truth, or war.

The country is on a diet,
avocado in the breadcrumb,
aspirin in the salt-shaker,
food numb on the tongue
and those slim-shakes always failed to deliver.
Thigh gaps and mind-the-gaps,
all these signposts for a cleaner living,
no dust on the shelf,
no bags 'neath your eyes to hide
the lack of sleep
and your ailing mental health.

The country is on a diet,
drinking tea with no milk,
eating carrot sticks with best-value dip,
running on the treadmill,
we never get too far.
It's straight tequila in the evening,
it's "anything goes" in the dark.

I knew a girl in my school once who exchanged the water in her bottle for ***** to blur the sadness she felt inside, even if just for a moment.

I knew a boy who I fell in love with but instead of falling in love back he fell into bad habits to fill his empty, dark mind with colourful patterns.

I knew a girl who I became best friends with, she wrote horribly sad stories on her wrists because she couldn't afford pen or paper.

I knew a man once so heavily institutionalised that he'd rather put himself on his own death row then face the cruel world.

I knew a woman in my street, so lonely that she hugged a bottle of wine every night, temporarily comforting herself to sleep until the next morning.

I knew a man, so distant you could see space in his eyes if you looked close enough.

I know a girl. So within everyone that she can't see herself anymore. Blurred, empty, broke, trapped, lonely and distant she lays there, in her own thoughts, motionless, waiting for someone to know her.

it's become a habit of mine
to count the number of sticks i consume
but for each day that passes, each time
i lose track of the moments i can't refuse
i do realize what i'm getting myself into
i do understand the risks i choose
ironically whenever i'm on a break
a cigarette is what helps me breathe
and the longer i am without it, i'll crave
and its absence will make my lungs bleed

n.j.

don’t say it if you don’t mean it
because i won’t forget
i won’t forget like the
sidewalk forgets about the chalk
after it rains
i’ll remember
because as stoic
as cold as i
may seem
even though it’s easy for you
i can’t let it all go
i can’t forget watching the sunset
fade knowing exactly what time it
is by the shadows cast on your walls
or the day that you caught a glimpse
of the fire in my eyes,
starting a darting tango
a dynamic duo
two fires burning twice as bright
forest fire girl
burning down everything
built around her but
sure putting on one hell of a show
keep coming back on the odd day
that you miss me
it gets harder to find me each time
slow dancing in a burning room
maybe we weren’t meant to be
as this only burns things faster
the day you leave the rivers flood
but i cover the drunken riverbeds
in ashes just the way you left me
and it is quiet
you’ll come back, you always do
every breath is black
living in frozen, wasted fragments
our love is red
& you’re back
i am raw cracked and new
each time you touch me the
ferris wheel of my heart spins
and all of the seats don’t feel
so **** empty any more
you’ll leave and come back
and still
each touch is a violin string
plucked, a new instrument
in our orchestra
a new weapon in our war
burning bridges from who
i am to who you want me
to be
our love is red
but it would be a sin
to break tradition
you used to say I was your
favorite color
just shy of auburn
but as i burn,
i realize i am just shy of a
lot of things, somehow
dodging the love I lust
for the most
& you realized that just
like shy of auburn, the
color red wasn’t for you
no one wants the lonely girl
forest fire girl
the mess just small enough
to ignore
to sweep under the rug of ashes
& messes before
because like i said, i don’t forget
i’m an old habit & didn’t you
always say that old habits
die hard?

maybe it’s time to taste the sea

we go together like drug habits
and dissociation
there are bruises lining the places
you told me lies
(between my thighs)
i'm writing in secret
i'm drinking too much
in secret
no one knows
i would listen to you sing in the car
and wish i could be honest
i'd wish i didn't have to lie
i'd wish i could just ask you to give me a cigarette
and i'm in the backseat when  i used to sit shotgun,
she's in the front seat
and he's got one hand in hers and the other
on the wheel
i'm looking up
to stop the tears from dropping
i don't even care
i don't,
get out leave me
alone

As much as I love you
I'd rather a cigarette right now
Because even though it could **** me
It never grabbed my throat
And squeezed
Only filled my head with smog
And lungs with tar
And my mouth with a taste I could never forget
Unlike you
So yes
I'd rather a cigarette right now
As much as I love you

Sad? Don’t eat.
Upset? Grab a drink.
Hell, do both
And try not to think.

Stay up late? Work in 2 hours.
Angry? Get laid.
Do whatever it takes
To get yourself paid.

But in the end, don’t worry about me.
This too will pass, because I want to be free.

he looked at me
“friends… with benefits?”
i turned to him
“to be friends with benefits we’d have to be friends first
   other wise we’re just strangers ******* each other.”

                      [e.m.]

How long does it take to break a bad habit?

Some bad habits never go away. I don’t mean that you just learn to live with them, although you might. Biting your nails isn’t so bad compared to loving someone.

What do you do when your bad habit is a person? When they echo in your mind, when your eyes search for them when you walk into a room. And when they aren’t there, you don’t stop looking. You may not realize you are doing it, but just as if someone might bring their fingers to their mouth to bite their nails, your eyes glide over ever face, every set of feet. If they are there, you get calmer. You feel relaxed, almost comforted.

Then, you realize.

You look down. You curse yourself for even letting their name cross your mind, you try to distract yourself. You tell yourself that you don’t need them, that they are just hurting you and they don’t matter. You tell yourself that you will stop.

Someone that bites their nails might pull their hand away from their mouth, maybe put their hands in their pockets. And sure, it works. It works until you forget what you’re trying to forget. They start biting their nails again. And then, ******* it, they hate themselves.

Some people might try to accept it, and some might never overcome it. Maybe they’ll spend their entire life biting their nails. Maybe they’ll spend their entire life loving someone that isn’t good for them. But, who cares. After all, some bad habits never go away.