Your hoodie still hangs in the back of my closet...

It's been there for months

But i cant bring myself to throw it out
It's the only thing that still smells
Of your sweet cologne and shampoo,
The cigarette smoke and green smoke too

It holds the memories of your hand

And when i see it I'm looking into your face again,  as you say "I love you"
Something so often done that
I'll never again see you do

Ode to the most of it all.

Painted
Nation in white.
Rushing to and from the veins of agony.
Rash and amounted with seas of coursed grain.
& fog streamed from the consience waves of thought.
And Affection.


Garrett Johnson.

The reason why I look away when
I notice his blue eyes gazing at me

Is that I am afraid if I stared into
them for too long I will drown

Now that he is gone,
I long to drown

I am nothing
without a soul
just a hollow shell.

I am nothing
without my thoughts
just a fool on the line.

I have nothing
left to give
I am just running from myself.

I wish I had something
left to hold on to
feels like I'm drowning in the sand.

I feel nothing
running all alone
till I bleed myself dry.

I am nothing
without you
I wish you could've stayed
I don't know where you're gone.

If I couldn't feel
Would you call me strong?
If my eyes never started to well,
Would I be good enough?
If I was dependent
If I was putting out
Would I ever be liked
By someone that I loved?
Or would there still be no one

If I was less of myself
More of everyone else
Would you think that I was nice?
If I blended into the crowd,
Would that surprise you?
Would it make me
Just another victim
To your sightless eyes?
Or would I just be no one?

If I was a girl that could be loved
Just as easily as it spilled from my blood
Would you love me then?
Maybe if I was pretty enough,
Perhaps I had a smile,
If my defense wasn't to be rough
And live in constant denial,
Would you see me then?
Or would I still be no one

I am tired of living under a guise
Of words that cut like a knife
And being unseen
To the nakedest of eyes
They wonder why I am so tough,
Why I have never shed a single tear
They must think that my life is fine,
That it's better to hurt than be hurt
But they don't no how much hurt
Goes into being no one

Anybody there?
I ask in my head,
Answered by silence
Something isn't right
There was always a voice
Telling me I'm a loser
Or something of the sort
But today there was no voice
Not even a whisper

I want my enemy back
I want her to tell me something bad
To feel something again
But when I ask if anyone is there
I am answered with a lack
Something missing
That will probably be back
Goodbye for now
My long lost friend
I'll ask later
Is anybody there?

its pathetic how you could let me
lay here without trying to save me
i’m cold and scared
but this is what you wanted.
you wanted me too be empty
and soon there will be
a void in my chest
soon you can cut
deeper into me
and harvest whats left.
i won’t scream now
because I'm lacking breath
your hands never left a
mark when
i was full of blood
but if you could see
the inside my brain
the damages
had been done.

I try and I try
To prove I'm more than
Numbers and letters on a computer screen
But so far
I'm still a small fry
Still, I'm not a fan
Of those numbers and letters and their sickening sheen
Commanding my life around
My hopes tossed to the ground
Of everything I had dreamed of
I'm no dove
And my love?
Those letters and numbers took that too
Nothing's as easy as two plus two.

- Jay M
March 10th, 2020