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sophie Dec 2014
I remember it
all too well
her tears were there
and she was unfixable
at 2 a.m., she was
taken for granted
and she thought
how sure it was she'd be outlived
I remember her
voice cracked, raw
as she said
I can't
and I can see it now
those doe eyes filled my vision
and tears swam round her lashes
so tired of crying
I remember it
I can feel it in my bones
how the air grew hotter
between spaces when no one spoke
but most of all
I remember me
speechless and dazed
filled with sorrow
my words were nothing
against her pain
she was still screaming
when I said to her
softly as I could
don't give up on yourself
for we both know
it isn't fair to you
stay away from your razors tonight.
look me in the eyes
you are so loved, and by so many

memories may fade
but flashbacks are forever
coming back
haunting my nightmares
refusing to die.
Once upon a time, two of my best friends had a nasty, horrid breakup. I hate one of them now, and I love the other like a sibling. This poem is about my experience talking to her until really late (into the morning) while it was still unfolding. It's about me trying to convince her not to hurt herself.
Refal akram Dec 2014
you
I've fallen so many times hoping i'll get to you
been down for the longest time still waiting for you
It got me so long to realise i had no chance with you
guess now dead or alive it wouldn't matter to you
Days now shall pass by differently,time is all it takes to make my pain fade tardily ..
it's me who's hurt & it's you who's gone ,looking at it this way makes it even harder to move on.
jls Nov 2014
I can hold my breath for
1 minute and 15 seconds.
I still practice sometimes
in case you come to hold me again.
You held me a lot back then-
up against walls and doors and even as we lay in bed.
Your fingers left ever-present bruises on my neck.
You convinced yourself you left them with your mouth
but your hands were my enemy.
*****. Wuss.
They are still curses to me.
Pet-names
You called me when I clumsily ran into your fists.
Or maybe it was the other way around.
I can’t remember anymore.
Nor do I want to.
Jackie Andary Nov 2014
Well well
It's been a full year
And I've finally gotten
"over you"
I still get flashbacks
From when we were close
But they've been
Far less frequent
I'm just glad I finally realized
I'm complete without you
Or any other boy
I'm a person too
And I finally know that
After one year
Without you
NitaAnn Oct 2014
I am hurting
Deep in my soul

Pain
Tortured
Memories

Make it stop!
How do I make it stop?

Flashbacks
Tormented
Relentless

I am hurting
Deep in my soul!
alice Oct 2014
Feeling the need to let my mind just unwrap itself into whatever past present or future place it guides me to.

September 14, 2014 - 7 years ago it was less than a week before my world would forever be altered.

Nothing to prepare her.
She thought she knew what she wanted,
what she was doing;
none of it made sense
and it frightened and intrigued her
all at once.

What splendor lies in the forbidden unknown;
behind the curtain.

Close your eyes Julia,
just keep them closed and this will all be over soon.

You don't really feel him inside you,
on top of you,
behind you.
He's not there.
Not really, not if you don't want him to be.

Dissociate.
You can do it.
Just leave the room.
Can't you see it?

There.
You're getting ***** flat on your stomach.

I know you see him.
You see the anger in his face from way up here in the corner of the ceiling.
It's okay.
Don't cry.
Just numb out.

Think of ****** and of Brian.
Brian.
He doesn't feel like Brian.
Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.
This is your life now.
You chose this.
You deserve this.

Can you breathe?
Your head has been jammed between those pillows so long.

Are you sure she's ok?
She thinks she is but just wait.

He's been clipped.
You won't get pregnant.

I have to let him do this.
He's waited so long.
I have no more reason not to.
The postponing is over.

Pleasing him, her, anyone, always comes before what you want.
Do as is expected, Julia and it'll all be over soon.

You can make this all go away if you want.

Run, run fast into the back corner of the house
where your little room lies.
Stay there till it's over.
Till he's finished.

Don't worry about the warmth inside you,
spreading.

Just remember the balloons on your wallpaper,
that toy box right below the window in that first tiny room of yours.
You look up and see the blue sky
and the clouds twist themselves into animals for you.
The purple crayon loops on the wall behind the door.

The night light, the bear with the stocking cap on.
Where is it?
Where'd it go?
It's dark again, it's so dark and I can barely breathe.

Why are my clothes off?
When did he take them off?
Did I?
How did all this begin?
Where am I?
His bed.

I can hear the fountain outside.
Turn your head, Julia.
It's Friday, the day after the chaos.
6:31pm.
I'm on my back.

This is the first time?
Yes.
This was the first of 2...or 3.

**** is an ugly word.
It sounds just like the act.
It feels ***** and painful in your mouth.

Hate comes easy when I see that print of the pillowcase.
It smells of ****** sweat and clean sheets.

My hair is getting pulled.
"I'm gonna make you mine."
Cringe.
Hold your breath, let him do what he's going to do and just wait.
Stay in one spot and do nothing,
nothing can hurt you if you just lie there.

This isn't really happening.
Go away.
Go away, Julia.
Just run,
run as far away as you can.

You're in bed with a monster
and you don't need to see the life he's steeling from you.
Taken from my personal "Panic Pages" - free writes for therapeutic means.

Alice is Julia, Julia is Alice.

This piece, like myself, is confusing, unclear and messy; my apologies.
annvelope Oct 2014
Yes,
You were on my mind lately,
I hold back on making tons of flashbacks,
How you split me into bits.

If Purge was real,
I'll make you be the first to ****
Sade LK Sep 2014
I wanted to watch a movie.
Knew you would appreciate horror.
Figured you could use some company
And I could use a nice entertainment system.
So I drove out to your house
Where no one ever goes
Cause you're always all alone
And I felt bad for you.
We smoked a bowl and that was fine.
I was already strung out and we
Went into your kitchen
You gave me candy and a coke.
Downstairs you let me pick the horror flick
I sat at a comfortable distance
Across the couch.
You said, " Sit closer."
I could feel your loneliness
Burning through my skin with
The way you looked at me.
So I moved a little closer but kept my
Torso as far away as possible,
Kept my eyes focused on the movie
Even when your hand crept across
My belly, I was
Extremely uncomfortable, and it
Was not because I am self conscious.
I was nervous,
But not because I liked you, I just
Felt bad for you, and so I didn't push you away.
I should have.
Credits rolled and I almost ******* ran
For the door.
I knew you wanted more, you
Stood behind me and grabbed my
Waist, pushed me into your room and said,
"Stay with me."
I half stumbled and sat on your bed.
It was comfortable, but I got
Up and grabbed my stuff.
Making excuses as you picked out my
Pajamas, you said,
"It's a long drive, don't use anymore drugs tonight,
We don't have to have ***, if that's what you were thinking."
I should have left. I should have left. I should have left.
But I put the pajamas on, even after several sayings of,
"I don't want to."
I laid on the opposite side of the bed.
Said, "Let's go to sleep."
You pulled me close to you
With a force that was much more frightening
Than that horror movie,
And I froze.
Just like when I was a kid. I laid there
Let you touch me and pretended it was
Just another flashback.
I rolled onto my stomach so there was
Less of me for you to have, but you
Pulled down my pants and took me.
Just like when I was 7,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16
I told myself, "If you pretend to be numb
You might not feel so much pain."
Thank god you got off quick.
But I should've known you weren't quite finished,
And it happened again, at least I had
Practice giving in and
Blacking out-
Separating mind from body
And they all wonder why I'm so
D i s s c o n e c t e d .
You said, "That's the best I've ever had." They
All
Say
That.
I got up, got dressed in darkness with shaking hands
Searching for something to
Cover my shame.
Angry, you said, "You're just gonna **** me and leave?"
I just wanted to watch that movie.
But all I could feel for you was pity.
And I walked myself out.
Didn't cry in the car,
I never do.
At home I smoked
So
Much
******
That I really hoped it would **** me.
I cut 12 gushing blood gashes
On my arm, the first time in 5 weeks.
I deserved it, needed to be punished
So ******* disgusted by myself for
Letting that happen, again.
All my fault.
Just like when I was 7, and it all started.
Every single time, it was all my fault.
In the shower I desperately tried to
Scrub my sins away
'Til my skin was raw and red,
Wished I could blow my ******* head off of my
Broken body.
Couldn't talk about it for days.
Today I confessed
To a friend who said,
"He ***** you."
But those words make it too real
I cannot deal with that again
Not now, I am not a kid.
Adding 20 to my list.
Adding scars to my wrists.
How to tell my therapist that
Our year of weekly outpatient progress
Has been destroyed in one night.
Wish I'd died when I was 5
The first time I tried on suicide
It was the perfect size that I never could outgrow.
I can't believe I've made it this old.
A shattered spirit, hollow soul.
I wouldn't **** you if I could, because
You'll probably **** yourself
And I feel bad for you.
Cause you probably believed, somehow
That I actually wanted you.
It is only pity that you filled me with
A filthiness that will forever stain my memories.
Scrubbing in showers, but never feeling clean.
It's all my fault, after all.
Maybe I
*Deserved it.
Written September 1st, 2014
NitaAnn Aug 2014
I need a break.
  A respite from my feelings.

I know that must sound strange
assuming that most like to feel;
it is how they know that they are alive.

  Me,
my feelings taunt me
and remind me that I'm not dead.

  Flashback after flashback invade
my frazzled mind and body
until my pounding heart is breaking
in the wake of no relief.

I need a break.
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