Flashes of memories

Blood Red, Death Grey, and Fear Yellow

Waking hours turn to Replays

An unwanted Movie Show

On the screen of my life

Destruction, Assault, and Reckless Harm

A house of cards that fell apart

As I stumbled to fight back the Replays

This process has to end

One day I shall become stronger

I shall whipe these reels clean

They will cease to play.

Sometimes,
When I look at him,
I remember that grin.
The one from all my nightmares.
Some days,
When I feel any touch,
I remember your entitled hands,
Reaching for what isn't yours.
Some nights,
My breath gets quiet,
It reminds me of you,
Too close I could hear your breathing,
Too calm to care if I struggled.
Some days,
The birds are chirping loud,
I remember the woods behind your house
I remember the walks,
I remember the hands on my tiny waist
The whistling of the wind as I pulled away,
And your insistent tongue telling me I had no choice.

Quaking nightmares
the moment I blink
unable to talk
unable to think
don't believe it
it's what you said
it's all over
it's just in your head.

The riverbank in July
Is always a pretty sight.
There's something about
The way the light
Dances with the water.

And there was an electricity
In the air. You could smell
It from two metres away.
Like a virus. I felt a tension
When you smiled.

And then you took your shirt off.
Still don't know why,
Maybe you just wanted
Your skin to feel the symphony
Of the electric sunlight.

That added more complexity
To the smile that crossed your lips.
Fine wine. Onions. Layers.
I had only known you for a week,
Maybe that added to it

When I saw your stomach,
My face dropped, the old
Electric stars in my eyes
Died. Replaced with
Unmissiable scars.

I wanted to say something.
Anything. Even if it was
An "always here"
Borderline cliche,
But at least you would know I cared.

I wanted to scream "**** IT!"
Why are we this way?
How can we allow souls
Like yours to go to that
Place? I felt an ache.

And there is an old
Cliche. That scratching
Scars onto a page
Makes the feeling of
Failure go away.

I finished and said **** it again.
I started at it for a while.
Your stomach filled with scars,
And I almost forgot
That electric smile.

I remember this
I remember the pain of sleeping on an empty stomach
The constant fear I was about to die
Eating only what I absolutely had to
And even then, I was so weak...
I remember weakness...
Missing a step and falling
Dizziness... all the time
I was really sick...

But I’m not there now.
This is different.
I’m hungry because I simply forgot to eat
The weakness will pass
It’s not happening again
I’m okay. I’m okay.

Wind howling in my ears,
Sand slicing, biting, through my skin,
The faces plaguing my dreams of fear.
Their mouths all in a maniacal grin.

Pain flashing; arm burning;
Tumbling through the air.
An arm falling in my lap,
It's not mine but his.

My friend.
My driver.
The back I promised to watch.
The family man I know him to be.

No dont look at me that way!
Stop... please...
It's not my fault I survived.
It's not my fault you died.

No dont leave... please...
You're all I have left,
You're my last memory of him.
Stay... please...

The cracking of barrels,
Whizzing of bullets,
I'm sorry I have to go.
My other brothers need me.

You're eyes are already dead,
You're blood has run cold.
But they aren't gone yet,
Their blood is still warm.

A shot runs through my shoulder,
Strange voices coming from everywhere,
One saying to get back,
Another saying it's happening again...

What's happening?
What do you mean again?
Head hurting, splitting, painful.
Everything around me is fading...

No dont leave... please...
This is all I have left of them...
My friends who fell,
My brothers by creed not blood.

White lights, white clothe.
Strange voices speaking strange words.
A man in blue and white,
Red spatters of blood on his shirt.

It makes sense,
For now I see,
I was rescued.
One out of four.

I'm alive...
I survived...
It should've been them.
Why couldn't it have been them.

It’s a sin
It’s a fault
I kind of want to scream
I’m sorry
To the whole world
You’re destroying me
By building me up
Getting me down
By helping me reach the top
Oh stop
But don’t stop
Let’s stay away
But not give us up
Let’s have hope
But let’s give up
Let us laugh
Let us sob
I’m down the hill
But at the mountain top
I’m going crazy
But my sanity doesn’t drop
I’m alive
But my soul gave up

The end
of us
was the
beginning
of me.