“It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the sound I heard when I was 7 and my father slammed the front door so hard behind him I swear to god it shook the whole house. For the next 3 years I watched my mother break her teeth on ***** bottles. I think she stopped breathing when he left. I think part of her died with him too. I think he took her heart with him when he left. Her chest is empty, just a shattered mess or cracked ribs and depression pills. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s all the blood in the sink. It’s the night I spent 12 hours in the emergency room waiting to see if my sister was going to be okay, after the boy she loved, told her he didn’t love her anymore. It’s the crying, and the fluorescent lights, and the white sneakers and pale faces and shaky breaths and blood. So much blood. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the time that I had to stay up for 2 days straight with my best friend while she cried and shrieked and threw up on my bedroom floor because her boyfriend ****** his ex. I swear to god she still has tear streaks stained onto her cheeks. I think when you love someone, it never really goes away. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s the six weeks we had a substitute teacher because our teacher was getting divorced and couldn’t handle getting out of bed. When she came back, she was smiling. But her hands shook so hard when she held her coffee, you could see that something was broken inside. And sometimes when things break, you can’t fix them. Nothing ever goes back to how it was. I got an A in English that year. I think her head was always spinning to hard to read any essays. It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that I do.”

You sat there, trying to convince me
Make me believe in you
That you wanted to do something
Fix things
Gain some kind of redemption
Then the next day came
And you had given up
What the hell is wrong with you?
There is no redeeming
How can you expect that when you think this is trying
That bad taste, just gets worse and worse
And I just get let down
more and more

My heart is just
another guitar for you to fix.

I watch myself in the mirror
Falling apart with every tear
I wish I could get high
Like my friends
Without crashing so **** hard
I wish I could take pills
Like my mom and step dad do
But they always make me throw up
Even after one or two
I wish I could lose myself in games
Or books
Or ****
But they all bore me or only make me
Uncomfortable
I don't have a fix so I relieve myself of thoughts
By taking the blade of some scissors
And driving them into my thigh with force
It helps only a little because there's only so much
One can do
I'm depressed and stuck because I'm so different
To all of you
Nothing works but I'm willing to try
Writing used to be it
So was dancing and singing
And playing piano
And talking to my friends
But I'm older now and not as gifted
As the child I used to be
And no one wants to listen to a nutty chook you see
So now I'm alone with my thoughts
And they're slowly killing me

Thank you for bailing me out when i am a prisoner of myself,

…. for staying late when shutting my eyes would keep me awake

…for staying afloat when I drown in the ocean of grief

…for the tranquility while I fish In the troubled sea

am sorry am in the middle of a battle myself would need to win

…until i resolve this war am not worthy of anything

…i enjoy too much the sound of my silence

…i love this quiet violence

Thank you and am sorry for trying to fix me broken.

Some things that are broken can be fixed. Many things that can't be fixed aren't broken.

When you love someone,
You each hold bits of eachother.

When you leave someone,
You lose some of those pieces.

When two broken people fall in love,
They share bits and pieces
To fix eachother.

Here,
You're missing some heart,
Let's share this piece

When two broken people
Fall out of love
You lose way more
Than you lost
The first time

So never love me.
I'm in so many pieces,
Infinity doesn't describe it

But my heart,
Or what's left of it,
Is big

And I will give you whatever I have
To fix you
Which means,
It will hurt that much more,
When you leave

"inside out, you’re underneath"
"don’t let me be gone."
"i’m a goner"
"i want to be known."


those are the lyrics
that had my eyes in tears
that had my heart in pain
they hit so close
so close to home
they hit my heart
they hit my head

every part of me
felt this song
felt me knowing
that eventually
no one can fix me.

i want to know myself.
i don’t want to be gone
i have to stop myself
stop it from being gone.

"i’m inside out,
you’re underneath."

i have to get right side out
i have to get that underneath
back outside
my filthy mind
my filthy mind that won’t let me escape

i can’t take another day
feeling this way
feeling like i’m somewhere
stuck in-between
between these spaces in my brain

And honey sometimes I know you're not okay but
I can't get up the courage to ask
In fear that
I ask the wrong question