Because fear
becomes essence
only if you let it be.
So stop seeing it
as a reliable friend
to whom you confide
how scared you are
of happiness.
Instead,
talk to your joy
and let it convince you
how fearless you are
of the fear itself.

My wall of steal standing tall against all men
Protecting me to ensure they will not get in

Past the wall of steal is a jungle of thorns
A meadow of bees
And a sea of sharks

My body stands tall enclosed in a glass box
These layers stand tall by years  of misuse

Five year old me getting choked by the boy
Nine year old me standing naked in-front of a male teen
Prior to being drenched by his own ***


Fifteen year old me sitting in a circle 
Preparing for a game of truth or dare
I am told to kiss the boy across from me
I can not do that
I have never been kissed and that is sacred to me
It's no big deal one little peck on the lips
I lean over and close my eyes for I cant seem like a wuss
His tongue touches my lip and forces it way in
My mouth feeling invaded by the unwanted guest

Sixteen  year old me making a new friend
Excited I was for friend were sparse for me
Our adventure  began exploring the woods
But soon my lucky ran out and he wasn't satisfied enough
Week after week he would convince me
Make out with me it will be as great as your favorite candy

Months go by when I realize my worth
His toxic being was eradicated away from me
This however was not enough

Naive I remained as he returned back to me
Laying in my bed cuddling watching a movie
He turns my head and begins kissing me
Dragging his hand down to my sacred places
My voice becomes paralyzed
Enabling me from telling him no
I use my  force to push his hand away
Yet without the verbal no he will not take my answer

Stuck in the circle week after week
Loosing myself from my own betrayal of my body
No courage inside me to scream the word inside me

Broken down I feel
Why didn't I protect me
The voice inside finally speaks rationality
Contact deleted
I don't need that toxicity

Eighteen years old me off on my own
Remains closed off from  all male species
A glimmer of hope shines through

I introduce myself to a man who seems awfully nice
Let's go back to your room and watch a movie
Sounds like a wonderfully idea we can lay down an cuddle
We cuddle up under the covers thirty seconds into the move
The iPad falls to the floor and his mouth is all over me
No question of weather I wanted it
Until his ***** was out and rubbing against me
I felt like a coward I couldn't say no now
I said I guess as I was flipped on my back

Panic takes over
A ****** I yell
I had hoped that would deter him
He told me that was cute
Not long he was done and leaving my room
I felt ashamed for months why did I let him do that to me

One simple word yet I never dare say it
Why not give my body the respect I fully deserve
Because that five year old me feared boys around me
Nine year old me felt like a ***** used napkin
From there it all declined
And that leaves me here

A young woman lost of all respect
Fearing men around me
Desperately waiting for the man that will surprise me

H-O-M-E-----Home....

Home is where my soul is free. The place that my maybe's are enough.
It is the only place that I feel safe, it is the refuge from the truth.
After all of these years my bones are finally free of all of the chains that bound me.
I'm finally able to leave my doors unlocked and not be fearful. I can let my guard down.

Then the day came.

Home tells me that she doesn't love me anymore.
Home tells me that life with me is a roller coaster that she doesn't want to be on.
The home which was my safety, in now sheltering another.
Now, I can't breathe in my home and it feels like my lungs are full of smoke.
As I watch my home burning, I want to burn with it.
I don't want to run. Just let me stay.
But, the truth is that I can never go back home.