In conscious hours the mask I wear,
Of indifference to cares,
Becomes more than a mere facade.
I too don't know it's there.

But in the night when darkness takes
The mask from off my face
I close my eyes and my dreams start.
Like torches to my heart.

I made my choice, I had to say
I didn't have a care.
But when the eve had ended day,
My mind's eye saw you there.

Your smile your lips your hair your eyes.
I played my humble part.
And while I lived my life of lies
Another took your heart.

At first it was all just a game
To watch the drama fly.
The ups and downs and go-arounds.
I really rolled my eyes.

When did it change? I couldn't say,
Cause I don't really know.
When did the cynic in me die?
When did my love start growth?

And here I am, trapped in myself.
My true feelings to hide.
As love evolved between you both
Myself I do despise.

You'll never know the pain I felt
To watch you two converse.
You smile at him, he smiles at you,
I feel my heartstrings burst.

I dealt with it the best I could,
The cruel punishment.
To be the third wheel of it all
When you two came or went.

I think the hardest part for me
Was when he asked advice.
He'd ask of me "What would you do?"
I tried to steer him right.

I helped him word his letters,
Advised him what to say.
I coached him as he talked to you
And silently I prayed:

"Oh Lord when will my time here end?
I can't take it anymore.
Emotionally beaten.
Inside my heart is torn."

Now here am I, defenseless.
My mask in shatters lies.
I can no more deceive myself,
As tears spring to my eyes.

I won't lie, I tried and tried
To lock away my heart.
But in the end I stood no chance
Against your beauty's charms.

As you now prepare to leave
Your family and your home
A part of me will go with you.
I'll feel very alone.

I'll miss the stars within your eyes,
The sunshine in your smile.
The way you laughed and talked with me.
The way you dressed with style.

I wish you both the best of luck.
You'll both be leaving me.
I hope you have fun in the States
While I'm across the sea.

To me you're the most beautiful
Girl that I've seen
While I've lived my time on earth,
And wherever else I've been.

I know that you and him
Really have a thing.
I won't get between you two,
Just let the love birds sing.

But if he ever breaks your heart,
Or if things don't work right,
You'll always have a friend in me
Through all the trials of life.

Thank you, Princess, for everything,
for letting us be friends.
I love you, and I bid farewell.
Until we meet again.

So I'm drowning and suffocating
And may not make it through
But I paint a smile for the world
You tell me to see the happiness
It's all okay
You tell me there's gotta be something positive
To make of it all
That's no lie, I can tell it's true
Trouble is, my mind doesn't care
Try what I do
But my mind ain't one to smile
Or yield with ease
So I know I'll be okay
Somehow see life through
But for now I'm simply smiling
Because no one loves an unhappy girl

I just dont know anymore
The shaky breaths I take
With every step I make
The motivation lost
This emptiness inside me
Prevents me from smiling

I grew up learning that
*** before marriage was bad
Being mean to others is bad
Smile to make other people smile
Get good grades
Make your family proud.
I was never specifically taught that
Suicide is bad
Starving is bad
Making yourself throw up is bad
Hurting yourself is bad
Faking is not okay
I was never taught that hurting yourself is not acceptable.
Maybe its because kids don't usually hurt themselves on purpose.
I was always told to be nice to others.
To be grateful for what you have.
I was never nice to myself,
I deserve much worse.
So ya I hate myself, I am just really good at faking.
Its easy when you've been doing it for as long as you remember.

The shiny, glossy shoes you wear to go outside,
and show the world how shiny, glossy your feel.
They are the shoes others will use,
to walk a mile in your life.

However bumpy, however ***** the road,
they won't feel the bumps and dirt,
wearing your glossy, shiny shoes.

Those old, everyday sneakers, they're not that bad,
the inside, shaped to your feet, years after years,
the outside a bit scarred, a bit battered.

Lend them, too, for a mile or two,
so all can feel how strong are your fee

Days like this
I want to drive away
Lock myself up
And will the pain away.

Bottle it up,
Push it down,
Into the vault
That is buried deep within me.

That pain will fade..
But the memory will remain.
I guess that is the price I'll pay,
For pretending to be okay.

But you don't know about the pain, the suffering or the robot that I have become.
If you knew even half of it, you would have been long gone…

I will never understand
How rocket science works,
How caterpillars become butterflies,
How languages evolve linguistically,
How genetics determine everything,
How faith is determined,
How hope is enduring,
How love is prevailing,
How any relationship works,
How I fit into my own life...
Stuff like that.

I will never understand
A lot of things,
But I'll be ******
If I don't make you think
I already do
Understand.

Playing at this empty calm,
Faking Simplicity.

Deepening hysteria,
Mesmerizing calamity,
Chaos abreast.

Hurricane destruction,
Twister tearing down,
But fake calm anyway.

"I am not a gifted faker like you"
I remember those words each time I see you

You said it so casually and forgot.
But never did it ever leave my heart!

To you it seemed like I could be 2 different persons
Inwardly I know how much courage it took me so.

Can I wear my heart on the sleeve for the world to see?
Is this what you want me to be, bare all for you?

Life is not been the same, since those days, I swear
I will not return to those memories of hurt again.

I fake it because, I need to make it through another day
You are here today, and somewhere else you'll be tomorrow

But I need to go on living and cannot stop for you.
You cannot take that away from me, my desire!

My dreams, my hopes, my ambitious are all I have
Paper boats and pipe dreams you may call it
But it is still my very own, my identity and a part of me

You on the other hand, outsider, stood by and smiled on
Never took the courage to dig deeper.
Shallow it may be for you
Afraid the road was steeper
A mess you never wanted to deal with
A part you never wanted to play.

Hence, I moved on, put a bright face and cheered on
Stronger you made me by your test
Till I could stand apart
from my feelings and look at it like the rest
I am fool to take you so seriously
You were having fun at my expense
Hence now, I can fake it and make believe
I can see it affects you now,
Why is it not the old me?