I looked at myself today.
I mean, I really looked, I saw.
I leaned on the bathroom counter and stared into my own reflection.
I took note of my dark, slightly greasy, hair.
It's  longer and thicker since I last paid attention.
My eyes are more grey than blue tonight.
Like dark water under a full moon.
My freckles are still uncountable.
I always forget how many I have.
I've been looking at them for over 26 years so I don't see them anymore.
Then there's the slightly puffy, red patches on either side of my nose.
Indicative of my sinus infection and dehydration.
And I find that no matter how many times I've seen my face,
No matter how many pictures of every angle.
I look so much like a stranger to myself.
And the longer I stare,
The less I recognize.
I want to know myself .
Find out what's past that dark water on full moon night.


****
I have this memory , I think it might be one of my earliest. so age 2-3 years old. I'm not sure, but I remember going into the bathroom,
Stepping up onto the stool and looking in the mirror And I was shocked at what I saw. I thought, "that's not what I'm supposed to look like." I was disappointed and confused. It was like I had never seen myself before. It's a strange memory, I don't know what it means , except that I've never recognized myself.
In movies people always know their clones immediately. I've always thought that was crazy. I am confident I'd never recognize someone that looked just like me.

Baby I'm fading
You're like venom
Spreading inside, infecting my heart
It's making me numb
I'm trapped
Inside your cruel game of love
You won
isn't that enough?
No...
You have to break every piece of me

Fading*...
Defined as the action of disappearing or dying gradually.
Usually used in context of a light,
But for some fading has become a way of life.

You keep your appearance neat.
Keeping that smile on your face can be a feat,
but that is not for them to know.
Don’t let the pain inside you show.
Just bottle it up and shine bright,
As you slowly allow your soul to fade from sight.

They tell you things get better..
Well that’s only true if this pain you could find a way to fetter,
But somehow it always finds a way to run free
And bring you weeping to your knees.

In the dark of your room the voices rage through your head
Making your heart feel as if it were made of lead.
The only relief you have managed to find
Was by the tip of a knife designed.
As the crimson makes designs upon your skin,
Peace creeps upon you as payment for your sin..
You broke your promise to stay clean,
But perhaps they would forgive you if they could see this scene..

Your eyelids droop heavy
As sleep begins to pull on your soul now empty.
The voices have ceased,
And you can sleep in peace for tonight at least.
Only the morning light will tell just how close to shattering you come again.
Maybe next time, if it’s not this bad, you can turn instead to a pen..

had we wrecked
am i okay
what about him
he was there with me
we were okay
it was all fine
then something happened
i can't see
why can't i see
where is he
i reached out
he hasn't grasp me
the sails flowed with calm jerks
the wind pulled us along
but the wind has stopped
the boat does not move
the currents have changed

am i dreaming or is that drift wood

Its starts with a weird look on your face
happy and sad grateful for a while
you are alive
then the cold hands touch you
Damm i almost forgot
she is there right next to me
as beautiful as she can be
getting ready to pout
you love her and almost hate her for it.
And so the craziness begins.

You are no longer my strange angel.
Every step that you take narrates a story that I am no longer part of;
The sound of your footsteps shall no longer affect the rhythm of my heartbeat.
You may look away whenever you want and it shall never make me shiver.
You may spit sunlight from your smile and it shall no longer hurt my eyes.
You no longer have the right to cause such blood rush in my veins.
You no longer have the key to unlock the room on which I wait.

I'm broken, like a light-bulb burnt out
Trying to figure out what I'm about
I'm a mixture of this ****** up society
Kurt Cobain's suicide is my ideology
Can anyone reset the breaker please
I use to shine so bright but now I'm a fading plea
Motivation used to be at an all-time high
****... now I'm just trying to get by