looking back I see
where it all went wrong
it was when I saw her
her in bra and a thong
you weren’t denying
you’d only been implying
this friend you said
is only a friend
it may not have been a lie
it was enough for me
to say bye.

this music’s sound is unlike anything
i’ve ever heard.
it makes my soul smooth,
it makes my heart cringe
yet it doesn’t over do it
with the sounds they let you hear.


the sound of someone falling,
falling farther from that cloud
that cloud that was their love,
filled with glitter and soft whispers


the song makes break ups beautiful
something you’d like to not fear
it makes you want to work out
your plans of i do and not
end up shivering from the dry heaves
your tears made you feel

your love is like a sweater
without it i’d be cold and bitter
please stay on me
and keep me warm
like you did that one night
when we sat beneath the moonlight
and you told me you’d be staying
here by me, with all my sad stories
the sad stories you’d keep
reminding me of all the hurt they did
you’d said you’d never leave me
and you, you never did
you always had me guessing
if i would leave you
and up in this misery
this misery that i can’t keep
because it just creates all this heat
that i take out on you
when i had too many drinks
and made a fool
and gave you two black eyes
with my fists because
i thought you knew me better
because you were always my sweater

You’re in my house
and I can’t let you out
every time you’re near the door
I slam it closed
and lock you in your room
I keep you safe
away from everyone
-everyone that’s in there, too.
I keep them away from you.
I keep you safe,
safe and sound
I’ll keep you bound until I’m safe..
safe from this place
you call my mind.
you’re the only thing
that seems to coincide.

I never fully understood what we had;
there was never a time we actually felt sad
   but anger, frustration, shame
all the suffocating rising waters to the ceiling
scarcely time for the things we were feeling
   until the end we knew finally came

Everything you ever wanted to say
was spoken before we were ever in play
   night after night a game of chance
like thieves jumping between cars
and walking backwards between stars,
   we mastered the secret science of romance

We played every song we carried in our heart
as for that one moment we would never be apart;
   it was a time to talk about the last one
as if we were leaving a library the final time,
satisfied that this love story was the ultimate crime
   against the things that we had become

Long away memory standing near smiling,
without normal inside a heart that remembers crying
   was our mistake the only thing left?
or were we waiting for the pride the we carried
to expose itself, naked fearless ready to be buried
   if our goodbye was not loves final theft

My body was ok
My heart
Not so much
I wanted to be close
I wanted to feel your touch

Then I had a dream
But it was the same
Only pictures of you
And now you're gone
Along with the love I knew

We were lovers
But that day is done
For a moment we forgot blame
Now we live apart
Our desire lost its aim

We were standing so close
You couldn't hide your smile
You remembered how it felt
But you are too strong now
There was nothing left to melt

I do not want to blame you.
I fell hopelessly, desperately in love
and that was not your fault.
Our summer was smiles and laughter
and sleepy morning *** and cuddles at 2AM.
How could I not love you?
All was golden in your presence
and nothing hurt.
The demons of yesterday were banished
by the warmth of your adoration,
and I slowly forgot the sorrow
growing around my heart like a sickness.

I do not blame you.
But no one taught me the difference
between love and dependence.
No one taught me that I could love you
and still say no.
I let you tie me down, hold me,
Hurt me,
because I was terrified to lose you.

I know I shouldn't blame you.
But I still flinch at unknown hands,
still pull away when I feel threatened,
and I feel threatened more than ever.
Anxiety claws my throat,
hands shake, vision blurs,
His eyes are your eyes are his eyes
and I can still hear your voice.
"Kneel ****"
I don't know how I stand up now.

I hated the way our relationship began with a text
I hate the way it ended with me wishing you the best
I hate the way you only shop in a thrift store
Like you were Macklemore
I hate the way you avoid my eyes
and I hate the way he lies

I hate the way you clawed your way in
I hate the way you gave a truth a great spin
I hate the giant sigh you let out
and I hate the way you doubt me

I hate the way you made me something new
something made just for **you

Yes, I miss you.
It's not everyday and its always brief.
Every once in while there is a moment when it is so still that I can-
i can remember, I can feel, I can taste us.
The nights we stayed up just being in each other's existence, it washes over me like that first air conditioned breeze on a hot summer day.
And as quickly as it comes, in a flash I remember our downfall and I take it all back.
I take that moment, our one singular moment and I place it in a little box and lose it on an unforgotten shelf in mind.
Because if I go there, if I stay in the memory of what could have been, if I pretend that what we had was real... It would be unfair to me and my pursuit of happiness. And that is something that I deserve: true, unadulterated and formidable happiness. Not because I need it, but because I deserve it.

So yes, ex lover, I miss you. But not more than I love myself.