thank you for your love, support, and most importantly your own self growth. the greatest part of writing is creating a community where people know they aren't alone through their hardships. It has been a great year, filled with so much growth. let's continue to write and grow together some more. much love.

- *CPM

Okay, let's be profound for a second, let's be cheesy, sappy, gross or whatever you want to call it for just a second. Because it's better to have it out there then to bottle it all up inside of yourself.

Do you feel?
I try to, in the shower. I attempt to feel something, anything, so I take off my glasses, and I turn the water temperature to boiling. And I just stand there, hot water streaming down my back, trying to feel something. I guess I do, I feel the heat radiating off my back, I feel the cold when I step away. But I don't feel.  
When I take off my glasses, all I can see are blobs of color, sometimes I prefer that to the world I see through my glasses, here, everything is whatever you want it to be, you can see a mixture of blues and reds and you don't have to just assume it's a balled up sheet. It can be anything you want it to be.
So when I take off my glasses in the shower I hope to be transported to this realm, but I don't. I stay, where the walls are white and shampoo bottles line the shelves. I stay in the place where I can't have creativity, where I don't  feel like anything.
Do you ever think to yourself, I exist, try it sometime. I acknowledge that I exist as a person, I exist, but for what purpose? Will you find that purpose with another human being? With an animal? With a job? Who knows. I just hope that I find mine soon. Because standing in the shower, hot water pouring down onto my body, I think of this, I think, is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Is this what I'm meant to be? Someone who tries desperately to cling onto people, someone who hates sharing her friends because I am scared they will run away, someone who can't trust her best friend not to leave just like the other ones who stole the label best friend has. Someone who doesn't think she is good enough for anyone.
Since I can't feel anything don't you think that I should be a thrill seeker, I'm the absolute opposite, I've tried stuff like that before, it doesn't help, it just makes people worry, makes people judge, I don't like that. The only time I think I feel something is when I'm in the shower or reading. Reading is my escape, I go into someone else, I see what they see I finally feel. People think it is weird that I don't think when I read. It's because I Feel when I read.
I don't enjoy reading in between the lines while enjoying a good book, I Like to just go with what the author is attempting to get across. When I do this, I feel something. Even if it's a fake rush of adrenaline, or anxiety because of something a character did in a book. I still feel something.
Do you feel?
I try to, in the shower.

Se⋅ren⋅di⋅pit⋅y n. 1. The uplifting, seemingly never-ending weightlessness brought on by a beautiful event of pure happenstance. 2. When light hits one's face, esp. a friend or lover, in just the right way, and every aspect of one's inner beauty is displayed: lying in the morning sun / the ghost of curtains over faces / dust mote flurries around sleeping figures / or under the dim glow of decorative lights / and digital clocks reading 3:06 AM / exposed hearts, exposed minds / out on our sleeves / your inner beauty visible externally / to the world, to me / your face aflame with embarrassing thoughts / my face aflame with visible affection / or lying out under the Milky Way / under the Universe / constellations and bodies of memories hang above our heads / and watch us grow from millions of years in the past.

And sometimes it feels like I make so much effort for something that doesn't even know how much it costs me.

///

I shouldn't expect anything back.

Out of the blue
And into the black
A thought passed through my head
It was you who crossed my heart
And went right out
The exit wound

Mirages caress the air in celebration of hope once lost
they will breathe now but wither at dusk
when the sun has lost its patience seeking a worthy companion
no one ever shines like him, he thinks
not in arrogance but longing
in an exhaustion of otherness
and he knows he has busy hands.
whorish and predictable
he will always leave eastern shores for western ones
gently touching bodies of water
or angrily scorching the audacity of land still being there without him
at times the earth trembles at his powers
breaks
protests
and the sand's shoulders go limp but rest assured
tomorrow
the sun will ****** those lands not in heat
and will still be lonely
will still not know the life he gives
or hope to barren lands and northerners
still not know that he's a part of everyone.
he IS the celebration

You are a month of new beginnings.
You carry snow on your back and cannot
let go of the frustrating challenges you lay upon us.
You can be irritable at times but know how to
make up for the bad memories.
Your as bitter as black ice but as sweet as
the sparkling snow I mistake for sugar.
Promise me one thing, be sure to make each day
last, because soon enough you will disappear
behind another season. Behind another day.

I never know what to say when people ask me what I fear the most. Because yes, spiders are gross and weird and yes, ghosts terrify me, but how could I explain that at night instead of nightmares filled with monsters, mine are just of someone walking away? how can I say that I stay awake going over everything wrong I’ve ever done? how can I tell them that my biggest fear is me not being good enough? All my life i’ve worried too much about what people think about me, and lately i’ve gotten better at not thinking about it so much, but there is someone in my life right now that I really don’t want to lose, and I’m scared. I’m scared because I know I mess up a lot, I know that I get repetitive and boring and I ramble when I’m nervous. So how am I supposed to say that I know my constant asking for reassurance that they want me in their life gets tiresome, but it's because its hard for me to imagine that someone actually would? How do I explain that I have never loved myself enough, so the thought of anyone else loving me seems so strange? I am bad at expressing myself, I either show too much emotion or too little, and I'm scared that that's a good enough reason for someone to walk away.

Why are Sleep and I no longer friends?

We used to spend so much time together, used to be so close, wasting hours in idle chatter about meaningless and skewed ideas and figments of our imaginations.

But now, when I come knocking at her door, there is no response. It's like she's ****** at me, for reasons I can't understand. But it's not unlike her to leave me alone to the tortures of my Mind when I need her most.

While I lay and wait to hear from Sleep, Mind weasels his way into my conciousness, sitting down and pretending to feel sorry for the thoughts he has created within me.

And that's where it all starts.

Example; last night.

Remember? Hannah, do you remember?

Do you remember when you had it all within your grasp and you said NO to spare someone else's feelings...but didn't spare your own?

Do you recall the two hours of waiting between words that would make the suicidal feelings within me rise from a puddle to a tsunami?

Do you recollect the pulse that assaulted your eardrums as you tried to block me out, but couldn't?

Do you?

He taunts me thus until an ungodly hour until he finally allows Sleep to enter, and I am too tired to socialize with her.*

Someone, please tell me why.

Why does my mind hate me, why do I shake more than smile, why do I cry more than laugh...

And why can't I ever get it right? Why do I always hurt everyone I know? Why can't I make myself as happy as I wish I could by making others?

And God, why can't I have just one little sliver of happiness? For just an hour? A minute? A nanosecond?

How little do I deserve?