It’s been forever ago

It hurt so bad
it created a little hole
that slowly consumes me
from the moment I sleep in the morning
to the midday naps I took
sleep was never here

i moved my bed to where the sun
doesnt reach me anymore
i hated the heat
i hated the hint of
tomorrow’s glow

it’s been years you still
sit at the back of every forgotten memory
dusted furnitures you rearranged
and made a home

there was never love
for you
but i hoped
there was never anything
from you
but i held my neck like drying clothes

i felt ashamed
but never for loving you
it was just i’m ashamed i even dared to

create a space for you
though i felt empty
you never deserved
an inch of everything
i felt.

you never deserved me.

you never deserved the happiness
you stole from every night
and every sun light absorbed
waiting for the day
to kiss you.

You fall off
Not from a cliff but in a deep sleep
Turning to your dreams as an escape.
You asked yourself about what could make you happy
But answered silence.
You never really knew yet you said a name.
In that moment, he was
as you also thought,
and he really is, happiness.

Yet the girl...

You do not know her,
she started to like monsters and music that screamed their names.
you know she hated pickles but she orders them anyways,
she never liked staying at home, but saw her lying on his bed,
enjoying the warmth.

And you wanted all of that.

But you don't know her.

You never really knew yourself at all.

It reeks of sadness in this room.
I don't live in the same house, anymore
but I still got your shirt.
I look for you in every face I smile at every day,
they come and go.
So fast, that I wanted it to be you when I look away.
Your smell lives in my head like a song I never liked,
but the chorus screams your name, not the title.

I remembered when you clenched your teeth,
to me, it sounded like the crickets outside my window
that I never thought of closing.
It's cold but I still had the door open for you.

and yet I thought,

there's nothing left to come home to.

the tore down the walls we used to draw on and built a higher one.
the lights... there were none.
Only the blue light coming from a phone so bright that I never thought of putting it down,
in case you call.

in case you wanted to visit the emptiness.

I bet your eyes glitter like the ocean floor during sunsets
His eyes were like pink skies.
You might smile and laugh in a way that would bring life to the room full of sad hearts,
He was the life of every party
and to mine.

I'm sorry if I didn't get the chance to show you how he makes coffee at four in the afternoon, listening to songs of screaming pain and longing.
I'm sorry if you didn't get to hear how he sings his heart out and teaches me how to make barbeque in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry if you haven't got the chance to smell our favorite shirt, I was planning to keep it unwashed until you're here,
so in a way, you know what his hugs smell like.
I'm sorry if you didn't even see the same moon we loved.

You held on so tightly and I know it was hard, it was for me, too.

But I know, you lay in the bed of clouds softer than the cheap mattress I got from the department store.

In the next life we have, I'm pretty sure I'll hug you so tight that we'll never be apart anymore, my baby.
Now, you rest easy and wait for mommy.

**we  might not meet in this lifetime, but surely, I'll never let you go the next time I get to meet you, again.

Hand-written letters are overrated
almost non-existent.
Like love,
as a child, you have longed to experience and even rushed.
You knocked on hearts to know what it felt like but all you had were broken bottles of liquors
that made you dizzy.
Red champagne and Rosé
you learned to immune yourself to
like water and air you breathe in everyday.
Broken dishes on the counter and sink you never washed because you never went home,
because there was nothing to go home to.

*Everything seemed to change when I blew the candle on my 25th birthday cake

Another night you realized how tragic it is to be married.
You. Never. Wanted. To. Be. Like. Them.
Cold nights are normal.
Warm nights are just wrapped sheets and hot days, treated by air conditioning.

in most days, loving me is like taming a dragon
or a walk in a park.
you could tell your friends and family about me
or just have nights out in the dark.
i could be a genie and make your dreams come true
as long as it’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich or just a dinner for two.
you could wish for the world but I
can’t give you that...

‘cause you are my world and just look where the mirror is at.

in most days you feel sad, please know I’m here to talk...
you tell me anything and everything
it’s fine, I like hearing your thoughts...

though it’s not about me
though you want to be alone and leave—

but I think it would be nicer, to be alone with me.