I do not know what is wrong with me
But I have a problem clear to see
When attempting to smile my muscles won't move
Like sorrow is a splinter I cannot remove
Sadness an infestation sprouting from seeds
Spreading throughout soul with greater speed than that of weeds
Roots reaching furthest depths of my ragged reality so dark
Squeezing skull so tightly it leaves a permanent mark
Scars nothing new to me
Wear them with pride
Whether on surface or invisible inside
I am aware of imperfections
Count them one by one
Internal self-critique is a cycle that is never done
There are always mistakes to look back on and regret
Unrealistic expectations too high to ever be met
At night lie awake
Unable to find sleep
Haunted by promises failed to keep
The sight of photographs on my bedside table
Makes atoms in my flesh excited and unstable
Igniting flames
Stoking intense yearning
Enticing while simultaneously burning
Pleasures forever lost echo in my head
Beyond my grasp are words you once said
Clutching pieces of past so tightly my hands start bleeding
It's the shattered fragments and broken bits I'm needing
Your presence rendered life beautiful on our hardest days
Can't help but wince when I hear the word "always"
Time after time you have shown your love to be only lies
Only have myself to blame for being taken by surprise
I was an easy target
In line of fire
Lured me where you wanted with powerful desire
I was a pawn for you to manipulate
Took advantage of fact for you I could never feel hate
Regardless of how bad you hurt me to your embrace I'll always return
Victim to games countless occasions because I never learn
I suppose had it coming after all that we've been through
Traveled all the way to hell for you and back again too
I've tried everything could think of to make mistakes right
Still threw them in my face each and every night
I ponder if our relationship meant anything to you at all
If the years we spent together to you were insignificant and small
It's difficult to accept you are happier without me there
Try to chart a new course but each direction leads nowhere
Perhaps I should teach myself how to survive alone
Have it as MY choice not answering the telephone
When it comes to you it's not possible to win because I'm weak
I don't stand a chance against the silky smooth words you speak
I watch you through a screen wishing that I was where you are
Sigh because distance separating us is way too far
You moved on and left me reeling struggling to understand why
I'll get by without your touch
Missing you silently until I die

dripping on my page
I can't take this pain
my eyes blur
I can't even see the page anymore
and the writing is doubled unrecognizable lines

I want to disappear.

It's easier for me
to die
than to try

but every time someone asks me if I'm fine,
I lie.

I repeated things so many times,
they've become lies,
and I can't breathe thinking about
the number of times I wished I could
just be alright and yelled why?!
Please,
God!
I yell in my head,
why why why
listen to me this once,
I just want to die.